I've Just Found You

[Mama Bear]

Hi,

I lost my dad on Dec 20, 2006 to cancer. He had only been diagnosed 5 weeks before and the past couple of months has been an absolute blur. He was 65...very young and vibrant...most of all, one of my best friends. I guess I came looking here because I'm having a little trouble coping. I've literally been numb, or as some have often referred to me over the last month, strong. Within the last week though, the numbness is leaving and reality is setting in. I'm sad, having trouble sleeping, trying to help my mom cope as best as I can. I'm having trouble concentrating or even just being nice to people in general. I'm wandering through life, hoping that people will understand why I'm not myself and really dont want to be. Most of all, I think I'm just worn out. I'm back to work, busy with the kids and my mom and trying to grieve myself. Any advice on how to get through this and still maintain my sanity anyone???

[AnnetteAZ]

Mamabear,

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your dad. This is certainly a horribly painful part of your life you're going thru. I wish I could tell you how to maintain your sanity but I'm sure I've lost mine completely in my grief. A few pieces of advice that helped me:

Really, you will feel better with time. Sometimes all you can do is get through one more day and that's what it takes...one more day, every day.

Don't expect too much out of those around you, especially those who are also grieving. In fact, I have found that no one who has not had this kind of loss understands at all. Even those who have been down this road sometimes cannot give you any comfort. At least here you can see that what you're going through is somewhat normal. And here it's pretty non-judgemental.

Try to eat healthier foods. I have lost almost 25 pounds in the last 9 months...the Bereavement diet, you eat all you want, of anything you want, whenever you can choke it down. At least with healthy foods you won't be suffering from a lot of other diet-induced maladies. And for me everything tasted like clay anyway so I tried to eat mostly fruits and vegetables.

Get a little physical activity every day. Walk the dog, do some gardening, join a gym (and go regularly). I vacuumed constantly for weeks. It was physical and gave me a small sense of accomplishment.

Remember that there are those who need and love you and really do want you to feel better but don't know how to help. Try not to shut them out of your life.

Be very patient and kind to yourself. Grief is hard and painful and is a nightmare that never seems to end. You really can't be expected to be your 'normal' self. You will be crabby and emotional and irrational. It's okay, it's normal. Forgive yourself, every day. You'll have enough misery without beating yourself up too.

Read some of the older posts. You may find help with specific problems you might enounter.

I wish you peace and comfort.

[LoriS.]

I am so sorry about your loss. I just found these boards last week and feel a lot better since I have found them. Just knowing that there are others that can truly know what you are going through. I ditto everything Annette said. Be kind to yourself. Read through some of the well written articles that Marty has written about grief. Keep coming here and post all you want. Everyone understands. Ask a friend or neighbor for help with watching your kids, groceries, etc. Take a warm bath. It feels so good, even if you're sad.

Take care...Lori

[shell]

MamaBear,

I'm so sorry for your loss. My dad was diagnosed with cancer and died exactly a month later. I know what hell you've been through, and when it's so fast and unexpected, it adds another dimension to it. The only advice I have is to take one day (or hour or second) at a time. And like Annette and Lori told you, take care of yourself as best as you can. I know how hard it it is when you're taking care of everyone else! But it is essential you take some time for yourself too, to grieve, to cry, to feel and to relax.

Hugs,

Shell

Edited January 17, 2007 by shell