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Today Is My Dad's Birthday...i Want To Tell My Story.


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My hero died October 28th 2005. I've never told anyone the guilt of my dad's death.

Aug 25th, is his birthday.

Let's journey back almost 2 years ago.

Before I started my own company, I worked as a manager for 22 stores in the wireless industry. So, anybody in retail, on this site understands the holiday times. Every year I endured Christmas time, no time off, work every minute and every hour.

So, I decided that I would take a few days off, before the Big Christamas holiday would come.

October 28th, 2005:

My first vacation day:

I was getting ready to close on my home/ Nov 1st 2005. (so thankfull, dad was able to help me with the bidding, and drove by my new home). So I went on a shopping spree for my new home.

I live in the midwest, it's October, beautiful change of color, (I remember the colorful leaves fallen at my dad's buriel, and I thought, ( thank god for showing me he is here). It was if the yellow, orange, brown leaves flying around, spoke to me and said, "Here I'am Child, do not cry"

Anyway,

I woke up that day happy, (NO WORK) I went on my shopping spree for the new home. I thought about stopping and seeing my dad that day for coffee, we always would drink coffee together (morning, noon, night) and would talk about, work, polictics, anything. (my dad lived 10mins away from me).

But, I remember...

A beautiful autumn day, and I shopping for my new home, that I thought was so important. I remember even having a spring to my step that day.

5pm comes, I pick my boy up from school, a neighbor calls and ask if he can spend the night, (must have been god's call, because you see my dad had died already @ 4:30pm) My son Nathan, wants to go.

It is 7pm, I vacuumed, mopped, started a load of laundrey, before anyone could get the courage to call me.

A call from my older brother (22mos' apart, same town) I remember being happy to see his number popp up, "oh something to do" and (I've always looked up to him, he is an electrical engineer for Cat, smart, handsome,etc. ) Silence for awhile, and then, come to the hospital, dad is not well. What's wrong? I remember asking, and the choke of his voice and I KNEW something was wrong..dad's gone. I dropped my phone and fell to my knees.

He calls back, "Are you coming to the hospital"

Honestly I didn't want to go, but I'm glad I did. I got to the emergency room (my dad's room with just a white curtain drawn) I walk in...silence, cold, death. But, I put my head on my dad's chest and wept. When I left my dad in the room, all I could think about (@ the time) how many times I laid my head on his chest and cried, but this time, no hand to stroke my head or any words of encourgement. I knew I was alone.

I remember a song coming on the radio, called "Hurt" On the way to my dad's funeral. (Johnny Cash, I think a remake of a Nine Inch Nails song).

I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel

I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real.

Chorus:

What I have I become my sweetest friend, everyone I know goes away in the end.

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Deonna,

Thanks for sharing your story. I, too, put my head on my moms chest and cried and cried. I had the same horrifying feeling that she couldn't comfort me and I would never feel her touch again. It is so painful. It is a pain that will always be with us, but we learn to live with that pain. And sometimes it seems like the pain is the only real thing in our lives. We have to learn to slowly incorporate better feelings back into our lives and eventually they will seem real too. Hang in there. Happy birthday to your wonderful father.

A big hug,

Shell

Edited by shell
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