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Derek, it seems that our times are quite similar. It will be 9 months in DECEMBER, for me, so it sounds like i can expect things to become a bit easier...How is that possible, being CHRISTMAS AND new year. Please explain to me what the positives were at 9 months. I am aware that I must not dwell on the fture, and I dont want to..please let me know.. Other friends too, what were the "improvements/ growth at 9 months

i took a walk on the pavillion this afternoon and i did not feel as upset as i thought i would, when i saw grandparents with grandchildren..realised that would never be for Walter and i...we were looking so forward to spoiling grandchildren..missed him alot this weekend, and did feel some pain. i just thank God for His amazing presence with me. it is Him heling me...

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One big thing for me was I had to file bankruptacy after Karen died. So in October it became final and I was able to get on with living at that point. It lifted a huge burden off of my shoulders. I was able to keep the small amount of life insurance that her company had provided so for the first time in a long time I had what I consider to be a substancial savings. I no longer had to rob Peter to pay Paul, and have more income than expenses. Yes Thanksgiving and Christmas were difficult at times. I had to figure out how to make the stuffing for Thanksgiving. This is something that was handed down from her mother to Karen and only Karen knew how to make it. I knew what it is supposed to taste like before it is cooked and what went into it, I just didn't know how much. It worked out and came out perfectly. By that time I had joined the church and choir. I found a church that has a great singles ministery, one that involves single parents so I am with a group of people my own age that have children still living with them instead of like most churches where the singles are in their 20's. I guess the biggest thing for me is that I looked towards God and decided to let him have all of my worries. I realized at that time that he had carried me through a lot of stuff even though I didn't think he was with me, I realized that he was. I guess it was at that time that I finally decided that is was time to start living and accepting my situation and try and make the best of it. I would have to say that was the one thing that has gotten me to where I am today. I didn't choose for this to happen to me, I can choose however what I do with it. I know in my heart that Karen wouldn't want me to be sad all of the time, she would want me to live and to be happy. She would want me to be an example to my son on how to handle a tough situation. I could have given up on life and mopped around just surviving which would not teach Carson anything or I could choose to live and teach Carson how to do the same. The holidays will be tough, I am lucky that I have family around me, I used them to help me get through it all. It did take awhile for me to get the Christmas tree up, that was always her thing. Once up it was February before I finally took it down. All I can say is hang on, there will be a lot of ups and downs, but it was around the 9 month mark that I really started coming out of the fog and started being able to look at the future. I hope this has answered your questions and look forward to being able to answer any more that you may have.

Love always


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