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Still In Shock

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I guess writing this will be a big help for me. see my Mom died June 17th, 2004. It was such a shock because she wasn't even sick and then she got soo sick and it was awful. I was her caregiver and right after she was gone I kept waking up and thinking I was having a nightmare and then looked around and realised that it was happening to me. There are so many thoughts stuck in my mind having taken care of her night and day. She had lung cancer and could not breathe. It was worse than if she were in pain. But I talk to people everyday whose parent suffered for years. She didn't --only a few weeks. But it must have been so frightening for her. it was for me. I kept asking what do I do when she can't catch her breath and they kept telling me to give her more morphine. Finally what happened was we were together sleeping at her house and we both got so tired. she woke up and said she couldn't breathe and I gave her morphine. she fell back to sleep and even though she didn't have enough oxygen she was too tired. And so was I. She started going into a coma. And the nurse came. And she was getting really bad. And then the nurse fixed her up and put her on her back. I knew she couldn't breathe on her back. But what was I going to do. Sit her up in a semi-coma? So I left her like that and just a few minutes later she went. And I still hear the sounds she made and all the fright that was in her. And I tried to calm her. But I'm sure she was scared. but it did not last long. It was like a birth. And I know she went to a better place. And that she is with her daughter and grandchildren and her mom, and her sister and her husband. And she is ok. its me that's got to heal. So thanks everyone who knows what it feels like to lose a parent. And I feel for you too, all of you. Sorry for the vultures in your family. I'm still hoping not to get beat up too bad. its been pretty brutal just trying to be friendly. but they will be civil, I hope. take care. Leslie

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You are so Brave. I have to say that first of all. My dad was home from work one day and said he had a chest cold and two days later he was dead. He had had a heart attack and no one knew. That was last August. I cannot put it together as to come up with an answer why.

How old was your mother? My dad was 55. I am 32 and all grown up with my own family but it still hurts. He was my dad and I am sure that at one point I called him Daddy and bounced on his knee. What I do is think abotu all the fun times. I have no regrets or guilt. I loved him and I know he loved me. As long as you think of that you will get through it. The shock will wear off. Lots of days now I am still in shock. I will be dusting or something and see his picture and remember that hes gone. Grief is a long path we take. It takes a long time to understand, but once you come to peace with it you will heal.

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