Emotions

[teny]

Holidays are over but I feel the same pain .I try to get up in the morning late so the day feels shorter.There are times that I want to scream and cry and try to understand what is happening .Emotional strain and stress are folllowed by confusion .Having no one to share the day to day living keep asking myself since the most important person in my life is gone nothing seems to matter.I know that all of you dont like the new way of life it was not our choice .I feel tha loosing the past the fear of future beeing as painful as the present moment gives me no purpose in life.Is there any hope? TENY

[KathyG]

Dear Teny,

My heart goes out to you, and I wish I could help ease your grief. Our losses bring us pain, and the pain makes us afraid that more heartache awaits us in the future. So not only do we not want to look ahead, sometimes we can't do it at all. I'm know I'm still not able to make any future plans for myself beyond next week.

We both lost our beloved husbands, our soulmates. What could be worse than that? So if the worst has already happened to us, we have to believe that life will get better, though it may not be for a long time and we'll have to work to make it happen.

When I pray, I ask God to help me cope with and adjust to this new way of life that I never asked for, but that He chose for me. Many times I feel like nothing matters, but then I remember how proud and happy my husband was whenever I accomplished a goal in spite of tremendous obstacles. In my heart I know he wouldn't want me to give up now.

Neither you nor I can predict when the Lord will call us to rejoin our husbands. But until then, we can ask Him to give us the hope and strength to deal with whatever life brings us next.

[DesertBob]

I feel that loosing the past the fear of future being as painful as the present moment gives me no purpose in life.Is there any hope?

Teny,

If I understand you, you're saying that:

What you had is lost

Your present is painful

You fear the future will be just as painful

Yeah, that is a pretty hopeless stance.

The only thing we ever really have is the present. The past is the past, it can't be changed (which is both good and bad). The future will be what it will be whether we worry about it or not, so worry is pointless. Worry, by the way, is not the same as planning ahead. Worry is just imagining everything that could go wrong. Deciding what you want and working toward it as best you can is a completely different activity.

We are only made to deal with today. If you worry about the future -- especially just the future in general and not some specific part of it -- then you are trying to take on decades of pain and trouble that may or may not happen, instead of just dealing with today. (In addition, the future can and will bring pleasure and happiness too. Personally I think it's just as self defeating to COUNT on that as it is to WORRY about the bad stuff; deal with it, good or bad, when it comes).

Many years ago I read the autobiography of a woman's childhood in the Netherlands, growing up during the rise of Nazi power. She tended to fret about the future, as you can imagine, and her father asked her, "When it's time for you to visit your aunt, when do I give you the coin to pay for the train?" She answered, "When it's time to go". Her father said, "And that is when God give us grace and wisdom to deal with things in life -- when we need it, and not before. Don't worry about how you will cope, because right now you don't need to cope. When the time comes you will be okay."

I do, believe me, understand that this cozy little story unravels a bit because you probably don't feel like you have the grace to deal with the present moment, either, which calls future moments into some question. But I still think it's a valid illustration why, as we say here in US, "don't borrow trouble from tomorrow". Or as the Bible puts it, "Today's evil is enough for today".

Besides, part of why you're not dealing well with the present is because you're dragging the future into it. It's a mental habit. If you can spend the next three weeks thinking about something other than the future, you will fall out of the habit of worry. Whenever you worry about the future, direct your mind to something in the present that is not stressful and mine it for positives. It's hard work at first but it rapidly gets easier.

Another technique I use on myself is that I tell myself, "I'll worry about it later". We're all procrastinators, right? So use it to your advantage. "Why worry about something today when you can worry about it tomorrow?" If you put it off long enough then eventually your worry moves into the present, when it is legitimate to concern yourself with it. And the funny thing is, quite often, when you set a concern aside, the solution just sort of appears all by itself. Sometimes we can't see the answers that are right there in front of us because we are trying way too hard.

--Bob

[LarrysGirl]

Hello Teny, I hear your pain. Please know that this is the grief you are experiencing. I know that you can't see a future without Yanni. It feels too painful. I don't know what my life will be without Larry, and I struggle still with whether its worth going on without him. You and I have both asked the same questions about when the pain will improve or will it ever feel better. Its confusing when some people seem to be coping better than others. I would say I'm one of those on this site, that time has done little to change my feelings. It feels impossible to imagine a life now without pain. I can't say what will be true for you but for me I still am in alot of pain and sadness but on a hopeful note, I can say the grief doesn't feel as desperate as it used to. My heart still aches everyday yet I am still here trying. Thats all we can do. I wanted to offer you some comfort and let you know you don't have to fear the future. All we can do is deal with today and remember you are loved and always will be. Deborah

[WendyJ]

Teny,

I agree with Bob 100 % ! I do the same thing...I am a worrier and I have always been one ! I am scared to death about my future and I worry about what I would do if I lost my job or if something went wrong around the house and so on. Why ? Why do I do that? I could die of a heart attack tomorrow, then what would I have been worrying for? I could win the lottery next week, then what would I have been worrying for? NOTHING ! Because like Bob said worry about the future when it gets here, that is what I am trying to do. I allow myself now to try to plan for the future but not worry about the future. Nothing in life is 100% guaranteed so we need to just live for today and worry about tomorrow tomorrow. Teny like you I am still hurting so so much, I still cry daily, I cant concentrate on things, I sleep too much and don't smile and laugh anywhere near as much as I used too. I hurt too much. You are not alone in this venture, I am here with you !

Love,

Wendy

P.S. Deb I am like you also, I am not as desperate as I was in the beginning, I no longer pray for God to take me too but I am still feeling the pain as much as in the beginning. Now with my Mom having cancer I am being brought down even further. Life just isn't fair !!!