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11 Years And It Still Hurts

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Hello, I also am new to this sight. I found this sight out of pure desperation that someone out their could understand how I am feeling..It has been 11 years and I am still hurting so incrediably bad..You can see this hurt on the outside if you look closley it is disquised by all the extra pounds I have put on.. but eating does not help the pain go away..all that is doing is causing more problems for me..here is my story..

Growing up it was me, my brother, Terry and my sister Kelly..My dad was an alchaholic, and he beat my mom.. this caused a lot of tension and made for a not so good childhood..Well I graduated in 96, and got married in September 96.. Soon after we learned that Terry's girlfriend KC was pregnant..He wanted to keep the baby, but she did not want to..Then on November 2, 1996..Terry wanted to go downtown so my mom took him thier but told him to stay in town..(they had moved to the country but we had grown up in the town, so all of his friends were there) Well Being a 16 year old kid..Terry went to a friends house and him and his best friend got in his friends car and headed for the next town over.. The driver, Ray was in his early 20's and Terry's best Friend Dan was in the Passengers seat, and Terry was in the back seat of the car..This was the first snow day of 96 in our area..and the car had bald tires..Well Ray lost control of the car and it went into the path of a Crossett Truck (SEMI) and when the emergency crew found the car they did not even know my brother was in the car..He was in the backseat.. and Dad had always told us if you see a big rig comming at you and you are in the back seat get on the ground.. It kills me to think he was the truck comming at him before he died..At the funeral he looked like he was just sleeping..and I swore I saw his chest rise and fall..but obviously common sence tells me that I really did not..His Best Friend Dan was not so lucky, in the fact that he had to have his entire face reconstructed for the funeral, and Ray lived one day, just enough time to donate his organs..There was a hearing for the Truck Driver.. but he was found to have no fault, and I catually told him I forgave him.. I know and understand he is going to have to live with thsi his entire life,, and I don't honestley in my heart feel that he was at fault. I think he appreciates me saying that to him..

Now remember that pregnancy I told you about..Well they had a Girl.. her name is Kari..She is 11 now and what a beautiful little girl she is.. She looks alot like my brother..in fact some pictures you would swear it was him..And when she was little she used to talk with him and get her shoes on to go out and the garage and talk to her dad..and she new things she would have had no other way of knowing.. and the saddest part of the whole situation with her is that when she was born.Mom, Dad and Kelly were living at home and got her every weekend,, So Kelly had had a very close relationship with her.. thats good but I don't have that kind of realationship with her because I always felt like I was taking her way from my parents when they were greiving and never wanted to interfer..to this day kari goes over to my Moms house every other weekend.. That is wonderful for her and for my mom.. I just feel quilty I do not have a special place in her life..my own fault.. I know have 3 children.. Hunter is 7 Brandon is 3 and Samantha is 2..They are all adopted so real gifts from heaven.. I have been really blessed.. I sometimes wonder when my turn is to die.. I feel like I am going to die..sometimes..I know it can happen.. and just recentley I have started to have anxiety attacts when I am comfronted with Winter snow covered roads driving..So I went to the doctors and he put me on Lexapro..That should help with my depression and my anxiety.. I think about dying so much.. I just need to enjot the life I have but I can't for some reason I know I can die and will die.. and If I keep up with thsi weight It will be sooner than I want it to be..I love my children and I want to be around to raise them and LOVE them..another thing that has been happening is were the guilt in all of this stems from..Before my brother died and my sister and I were at home, some Jahovia whitnesses came to the door, and they asked us if thier was anything you could remove from your life to make it e asier what would it be.. and being sisters to a stinker of a brother we said our brother..well he died.. and the day he died Kelly told me that the Jahovah whitnesses came to the house of my mom and dad.. witha brochere on a boy in a coffin.. I too living 3 town over from them in the country was visisted by them and recieved the same brochere.. and then again today while here and really missing Terry and feeling depressed most of the day..Who comes to the door you guessed it the Jahovas.. We DID NOT MEAN IT ABOUT OUR BROTHER DYING.. But because of all of this I can;t help but feel that we are in some way responsible for his death..This is all so hard.. I just want to live my life again, and feel FREE AND NOT AFRAID OF DEATH< AND NOT THINK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME THAT I AM NOT LIVING MY LIFE....Thanks to all who have read this.. I write poetry and that has gotten me through alot.. I guess it is another time for one of those poems.. Not to mention I have a wonderful supporyting husband who has been thier for me through this whole thing..I just miss my brother soo much.. Just as we started to get along he was gone..

Edited by missingterry
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Dear Friend,

Your post reminds me of a topic that appeared in this forum in September of 2006. I think this thread will have resonance for you as well, as it deals with the matter of delayed grief. Just click on this link and you'll go right to it: Is This Grief?

See also:

Grieving Seven Years after the Death, and note especially my comments about finding someone to talk to, and

It's Too Much

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