Are You My Muvva?

[mike dorsey]

"Are you my muvva?" was one of my mom's favorite memories and she would laugh each time she shared it outloud with me or my siblings. Because I have mild cerebral palsy, I have a speech impediment as well as being hard of hearing. One time when I was four or five, I was playing with the esclator buttons that has, "Stop" and "Go". When I pushed the red button, an older woman had flown off the esclator, I had no clue that she had fallen and I walked up to mom with my head kinda bouncy from the cerebral palsy. I said to her, "Are you my muvva?" My mom said, "Yes dear, I am your ever luvin muvva". (I believed the older woman was okay because mom did not say anything that she was hurt. If you are the older woman reading this, please forgive me.)

My mom died on March 4, 2007 and I truly miss her terribly. She and I were very close. I was the youngest of four children and she took great care of me as I had been stricken with RH and almost died after birth. My dad was the one who took me to the hospital after a few days at home as I had just been born. The RH was a blood incompatibility which caused me to have the high fever and then almost took my life. Because my dad took me to the hospital just in time in spite of his own struggle with Hodgkin's Disease, I had to have blood transfusion which saved my life. My dad also saved me. My dad died when I just turned four years old.

Mom raised all four of us, my brother, two sisters, and me on her own. She did the best she knew how to take care of us. She encouraged us to believe in God, appreciate the little things in life, and be happy.

Honestly, I already had difficulty accepting my own struggles of having cerebral palsy and having to wear hearing aids. I had difficulty dealing with the fact my dad was not around. Now, I have difficulty accepting the fact my mom had died. I have a hard time accepting that she had died because of lung cancer from smoking. I feel so bad about one of my last words to her were of anger instead of comfort. I yelled at her saying that dad had died of a natural death while she had taken her own life.

I had thought I was being a good son to her at her last days though. Because I quit my job shortly after I learned my mom had cancer, I was available for her. I stayed with her much as I could. I drove frequently three hours both ways from my home to mom's. I am married and my wife graciously allowed me to take as much time to visit her. One night, I tried to cheer her up by renting a comedy movie. Instead, she looked at me and cried. She asked me what was I doing here with her. She said that I should be with my wife instead. I felt horrible. I stopped the movie and turned off the television. I did not utter a word. I had sank. I tried to tell myself that maybe it was the cancer doing the talking. But I then believed she had truth in what she said. I believed I had worried her tremendously. I had no job. I was not at home with my wife. I lost it. I had done this before when I was living with mom. I did not move out of the house until I was 35 even when I had gotten my masters degree. I would quit jobs and still ended up being at home. Mom would not utter a word. She still took me in. But because I am married and my patterns for quitting had been abrupted with a rude awakening. What I was doing had broke my mom's heart. My heart sank because that was the last thing I wanted to do was to break my dying mother's heart.

My mom's twin sister died about three years ago. Nana, mom's mom, died about six years ago. I considered myself close with all of them and my mom because we all experienced a death of a father when we were all four years old. My dad's mom, my grandma, died in 2001. I was also close with her as we were both sober from alcohol and always had a good time during my visits with her. One morning I went to visit her at hospice hoping to see her again. Her body had already been taken away as my uncle, my dad's brother, was there doing the paperwork.

Honestly, I am having a hard time grieving. Because I am sober from drugs and alcohol for over 11 years, I almost relasped in December 2007 when I found a bag of pot on my way home from work. Fortunately, I flushed it down the toilet. I am experiencing a lot of anger. I am angry at home with my wife. I am angry at my job. I am angry in public places. I am seeing a counselor but I am having difficulty talking about what is truly bothering me.

My brother, two sisters, and I are going to be together at mom's condo for mom's one year anniversary of her death on March 1st of this year. I am not comfortable with this upcoming event as we will sort out mom's things. It was on March 4th of last year when all four of us were together weeping as mom took her last breath. Her birthday is March 16th so she would be 66 this year.

I will always love you muvva.

[Cindi]

Mike:

My heart goes out to you. I lost my mom five months ago from what I believe was medical negligence. What started out as low glucose ultimately turned into seizures which ultimately took her life. We weren't ready for her to go and I doubt she wanted to leave. She did tell her brother and sister that she didn't think she was going to make it. But Mike, my dear, your losses have been much more significant than mine.

Go to your mom's condo and take an inventory...you don't have to part with things at that time. All of my mom's stuff is still here and I'm not ready to part with it yet. Somehow it reminds me that she really was here because these last five months have been 100 years long. Grieve when you have to and don't worry about what others think. So many just don't understand.

Stay here with us, and we will all do our best to comfort you.

Love

Cindi

[mike dorsey]

Hello Cindi,

Thank you for your response. I truly appreciate it. I am sorry about your mom. I think losing your mom in a such short time and unexpectedly must be hard to cope and accept. Your mom must be proud of you though for you are doing a good job in helping people here on this hovforum site. I will go to the condo and just take it one minute at a time. Thank you for your encouragment.

Have a good night and more later,

Mike

[shell]

Mike,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. I lost mine last June. It takes a long time to feel any degree of life being "normal" again, so be patient with yourself and be sure you grieve as much, and as long, as you have to so that you can begin to heal. I think being sober for 11 years and flushing the pot shows what a strong person you are and that strength will help you in this grief journey we all are on. I'm sure your mom was very proud of you.

Hugs,

Shell

[mike dorsey]

Hello Shell,

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I appreciate it.

I also am sorry about your mom. I believe your mom is smiling with you as she is proud of you for helping others like me here on this forum.

More later,

Mike

[shell]

Mike,

Thank you...what a nice thought.

Hugs,

Shell