For Every Death A New Life?

[Elizabeth A.]

Someone once told me that for every death in a family there is a birth. Oddly that seems to be making my life harder. Everywhere I turn someone new is pregant. Yippie, Horrary Right? All I can think of is the 10 deaths that have happened since November, with each new person that shares their happy news my heart seems to get heavier.

(sigh) At least the circle of life seems to be working.

I have thrown myself into making a quilt for my own dear daughter. It is perhaps the most adventurous thing I have ever embarked upon alone. Each day I've been working at it to ensure that I have noticable daily progress. I know that some people around me have doubts at my abilty to finish it, so I have built in safeguards for myself (I'm planning on having it long arm quilted for one). It's almost as though I have to prove to others I can do it, instead of just doing it for myself.

[karenb]

Good for you, Elizabeth...

Having a project to pick up each day is "a good thing." I always have projects waiting for me, some I don't pick up for a while and others I stick with until they're done. Keeping my hands and mind busy are important to me. I'm older so I don't have someone else in the house to care for, something I'm sure not used to, so I do have to keep busy. I start now making presents for next Christmas or whatever. Again, good for you. Hang in there and take good care of you both.

Your friend, Karen

[shell]

Elizabeth,

To echo Karens words, good for you. I am like Karen, in that I try to stay busy. In my case, it hasn't been hard, because I have so many kitties to take care of and now my friend, who has dementia. And my house, grocery shopping, all the daily stuff you have to keep up with! But even when I have a chance to "do nothing", I find I start cleaning a drawer out or something, anything to keep me busy. It keeps me from thinking too much about things that make me sad, although I think there are times when I need to get sad and cry, which I do too. Keep up with the quilt!

I also know what you mean about happy events (like births) for others can sometimes make you feel sadder. I get that feeling sometimes when people are telling me all about how great their life is and what's happening. Sometimes I just want to walk away, or hang up the phone, or say, "Well, whoopie for you". I know that's terrible, but normal I think. I'm really trying to "forgive myself" for not being kind sometimes. I'm not perfect and so I'm cutting myself a break when I think or do something that's not "right". Doing the "right" thing all the time can wear you out, and so we're excused when we don't!

Hugs,

Shell

[Elizabeth A.]

Thanks, it would appear that once again I'll be doing the "right" if painful thing and will plan to attend my cousins baby shower. I went out today and bought a parent survivial kit, which is really just a box I filled with the stupid things we all seem to forget to have on hand like Gas Drops, etc. It was the only collection of things I could get excited about putting together. So there it is on the counter. so

As nasty as it might sound I hope it's the only baby shower I feel I "must" attend over the next few months. The mean part of my heart wonders if all these babies would be being born if there hadn't been so much loss and pain. Yes, yes, I know, I know... This is just one of those hard evenings I suppose.

(soft laughter) I didn't work on the quilt at all today, maybe that's my trouble. What is that saying about busy hands, or idle minds?

[shell]

Elizabeth,

I'm glad you brought up this subject, because I try so hard to do everything "right" and when I get those little ugly thoughts about certain things, then I feel guilty! But we all need to realize it's normal and we aren't bad people for these thoughts!

See, you are "marching on" anyway, going to the baby shower! We may have hidden thoughts, but we do the right thing anyway. The quilt will still be there another day!

Hugs,

Shell

[Elizabeth A.]

Oh those dark hidden thoughts! I suppose what we keep in our own heads... isn't awful, if we just keep them their. This shower might very well leave me with a sore tongue as I bite it, not to spew out the wrong thing. My cousin, oh boy, she thinks she's ready to have this baby. Can I please be a fly on the wall when she finds out she wasn't really ready yet? Now there's one for the less than proper thoughts. No, I wouldn't want to witness that. I'm sure she will cry when she discovers it, and then I would feel awful. It's kinda cute the way all-new-to-be-future-parents think "okay we're going to have a baby". Right, hang on to your hats ladies and gentlemen, that baby will be a baby for like a second and then you have something else all together different. A CHILD! Wow, with it's own thoughts, feelings and emotions. OKAY, that's enough, don't you think? So sorry about that, that's the real problem with those ugly thoughts.

Oh would you believe I am now out of stabilizer for my quilt again? I'm rather upset about it, because it leaves me with very little to do until I get more from the store, that must be why I have time for to much thinking.

[shell]

Elizabeth,

Hahahaha...those aren't bad thoughts, just "knowing" thoughts! Well, try not to bite your tongue off!!!!

Maybe the quilt is meant to be put on hold for now, maybe you NEED to be having thoughts instead. Anyway, good luck with both.

Hugs,

Shell

[Elizabeth A.]

Dear Shell~

You're right, you're so right. I made an instruction list for the parent survival kit I bought for her (I bought a Sterilite box and put in it all the little things that parents forget they might need and then have to run out at all hours of the night to buy). I mean it's a serious instruction list complete with Brand Logos, I worked really hard on it last night actually. So this morning I was looking for a drool bib to pin the diaper pins I bought on (as a bow or something I not sure yet) and when I went looking for the bib, I found lots and lots (half a kitchen trash bag full) of fabric that can be cut to work on the quilt. I suppose that's a case of "all in good time".

[shell]

Elizabeth,

What a good list and what a great gift! I would never have thought of that, you must be very creative. That's funny about finding all the material for the quilt! An omen? When the time is right, you'll get to it!

Hugs,

shell

[Elizabeth A.]

Thanks Shell~

Would you believe that it all started with my friend telling me all the things she had to buy when her foster daughter was placed in her home? I think she must have scared me over it, because I bought an actual kit that had everything in it except the Tylenol, for the gift all I did was buy the really great items (bigger bottles and better expiration dates) and put them in a box together (the box is the key, because it keeps all the baby meds together and handy!). Yes it cost me a little more to make it, but like I said everything is at least a little bigger.

Also my mom tells a story about our cousin sending the fire chief to the drugstore to buy Tylenol in the middle of the night because both my mom and my cousin didn't have a car handy (husbands were away) and I was running a fever. The fire chief (who was a friend of my cousin) said he'd rather come out when he did, than come a couple hours later with the ambulance. So I guess it's a gift close to my heart.

[shell]

Elizabeth,

What a wonderful story! It's not only a gift close to your heart, but a gift FROM the heart.

Hugs,

Shell

[Elizabeth A.]

Oh wow, I'm so done. I'm completely maxed out on the happy factor. The baby shower was well I suppose it was an "average" baby shower. We watched a slide show that my uncle I'm sure worked very hard to put together. It ran around 30 minutes. The trouble was it was I'm sure made with great intentions. As it was supposed to be photos of the mom-to-be growing up, but instead it was 3 or 4 photos of the mom-to-be and all the rest were photos from the wedding. I went to the wedding. It wasn't that long ago (last Spring), I didn't really need to watch it again. I feel bad that I feel that way, but the end result leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth, as though they are trying to prove the child is legitimate to anyone that wasn't at the wedding. So it was rather sad.

On one side of the room was all the women giving the OMG! This is the most horrible thing anyone will have to go through (labor, delivery, contractions, even breast feeding according them is painful). I mostly kept my mouth shut, knowing full well the mom-to-be didn't want advice and most likely wasn't listening. I only lost my cool for a moment, when the huge lady sitting next to my cousin said "I give you three days using cloth diapers". One can only handle so much negative...

That's exactly where I'm at right now, "one can only handle so much negative." I feel like I need a day, just a single day when I don't have to do anything, except perhaps work on my quilt.

Does anyone else feel like everyone around them is pregnant? I seem to be really struggling with it...

Where can I buy one of those frozen, glued on happy face? That way maybe I won't feel like I need to try so hard.

Shell~ Thanks for the compliment Shell, no one at the party talked to me about it, so here and my blog are the only places my tale was told. It was just a line of presents to open and go through. The mom-to-be didn't even open the box. Perhaps she thought it was prepackaged Someone else wrapped every single thing, but that seemed to be rather much.

[shell]

Elizabeth,

Well, I'd say you did really good! I don't think I could have sat through the whole ordeal! Don't feel bad feeling the way you do. It's perfectly normal and we can't feel genuine happiness for every other person on the planet, especially where we are at right now. I have been feeling somewhat the same things. I've tried so hard to help others and be happy and blah, blah, blah. I'm tired...plain, simple, period! And just tonight I said to my brother that I wished I could have even just two days to not do anything! Not have to deal with anything! So, yeah, I know where you're at! A very good friend of mine, who has to listen to my whining about feeling guilty because I get irritated with people, tells me the same thing I just told you. It's normal to have these feelings and we shouldn't have any guilt about them. She's a wise lady and so I just remember that I can only handle so much. When I'm fed up and tired I try to just blow everything off, and retreat as much as possible to re-fuel! Hang in there, Elizabeth. take some time off and do for yourself, treat yourself as well as you do everybody else.

Hugs,(and a big pat on the back for getting through the shower),

Shell

[Elizabeth A.]

Dear Shell~

Thanks for your kind words. I'm personally not very sure how I did it, mostly by telling myself that the mom-to-be didn't want to hear it, so why waste my breath.

Oh how I wish it was different. I wish my cousin wanted my advice. I wish I didn't feel so unhappy about the birth. I can't even begin to explain how that shower made me feel, at one point I missed Jenn so much, I wish she would have been there with all of her amazing pearls of wisdom. I missed her so much at one point it was all I could do not to cry. I even feel a little weak tying this I miss her so. Even when Jenn didn't have the answer she would say "I don't know what to tell you". I can still her her voice echo in my head. The tv will make me a little crazy sometimes, when I hear her accent.

It was so different for me with my daughter. I worked really hard and I built this amazing circle of love and support. I filled it with wonderful people, with Jenn at the core center of it. "If you ever need me, call" she would say. My cousin is young and thinks she's a grown up now and doesn't need/want that circle of information, etc. A perfect example of "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." Here I am standing at the water with the horse looking into the ripples only to know that the ripples aren't water at all. It's the gate between the living and the dead. The horse doesn't want to be there, and I just want to reach in and snatch my friend back. So now my eyes are misting and here comes my cat Tiny, who thinks playing rough is the best help for me.

[shell]

Elizabeth,

It's too bad your cousin is being the way she is. She is missing out on some very good advice and support from you. Look around a little...there may be someone else out there that needs some help, ya never know. I have been surprised at the people I would never have suspected that wanted my advice or help or support. I just didn't know it and when I realized it, I felt good being there for them.

I'm sure Jenn was there with you. The people we loved and lost are always still with us, I believe. And don't feel bad about feeling the way you do about the whole situation....perfectly normal and acceptable!

Hang in there.

Hugs,

Shell