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I Don't Understand

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For the past week and a half I have been in a good mood! I think about Sam all the time, but it hasnt made me sad! And I thank God for that cause my eyes needed a break! Today is starting out like it has been in the past, I come to work and every little thing irritates me! And I find myself maybe being short with people (which if you knew me that isnt me) but no matter how hard I try not to be, I am! People are telling me their problems and just the little things that are bothering them and I have no sympathy for them! I wish I had those little problems! Losing Sam has taken all of my time, physically and mentally! All the small problems I have just seem to pile on top of losing my brother! I cant even get past losing him to deal with the rest of my life! I feel so numb to life and just so in denial! It will be 8 months on March 21st! My life has just flipped around! Since Sam has passed away I have lost 21 lbs and I cant even eat evryday! I feel like I am melting away! I can sit in my room and not talk to anyone and I would be fine with that! When I first lost Sam I couldnt even go to work without stopping by his work everyday where him and my boyfriend worked together and seeing Taylor and just having him tell me that I would be ok, and that I can call him when I get to work and talk to him some more! I would have to stop by there on my way home and if I was home alone I would get panic attacks! I would wake up in the middle of the night with night sweats and I would panic that something was wrong with me! And that I might die too! I am still that way but I have the panic attacks under control now! Im just so scared of everything! I just want this all to pass...I want Sammy back but I know that he isnt comming back! I just dont understand why, why all this is happening! Im so lost!

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  • 1 month later...

I totally understand the feeling. I lost my brother Desmond in April of 2007. After that month, I have constantly thought about dying. I lost a lot of weight and for the first time started having panic attacks. As a teacher, I try very hard to separate my grieving from teaching, but when I go home, that's when it hits me. If I have absolutely NOTHING to do, I will fall into a depressed mode. I would rather drive a quarter tank of gas away before going home sometimes. You're not alone.

One thing I can do is honor my brother through painting. He painted several abstract pieces on large canvases and I have 2 in my apaprtment. I think that if you can find something your brother loved to do and participate, it will help you fill in that empty spot in your soul.

Edited by LadyLuck13
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