I Don't Understand

[babysister left behind]

For the past week and a half I have been in a good mood! I think about Sam all the time, but it hasnt made me sad! And I thank God for that cause my eyes needed a break! Today is starting out like it has been in the past, I come to work and every little thing irritates me! And I find myself maybe being short with people (which if you knew me that isnt me) but no matter how hard I try not to be, I am! People are telling me their problems and just the little things that are bothering them and I have no sympathy for them! I wish I had those little problems! Losing Sam has taken all of my time, physically and mentally! All the small problems I have just seem to pile on top of losing my brother! I cant even get past losing him to deal with the rest of my life! I feel so numb to life and just so in denial! It will be 8 months on March 21st! My life has just flipped around! Since Sam has passed away I have lost 21 lbs and I cant even eat evryday! I feel like I am melting away! I can sit in my room and not talk to anyone and I would be fine with that! When I first lost Sam I couldnt even go to work without stopping by his work everyday where him and my boyfriend worked together and seeing Taylor and just having him tell me that I would be ok, and that I can call him when I get to work and talk to him some more! I would have to stop by there on my way home and if I was home alone I would get panic attacks! I would wake up in the middle of the night with night sweats and I would panic that something was wrong with me! And that I might die too! I am still that way but I have the panic attacks under control now! Im just so scared of everything! I just want this all to pass...I want Sammy back but I know that he isnt comming back! I just dont understand why, why all this is happening! Im so lost!

[LadyLuck13]

I totally understand the feeling. I lost my brother Desmond in April of 2007. After that month, I have constantly thought about dying. I lost a lot of weight and for the first time started having panic attacks. As a teacher, I try very hard to separate my grieving from teaching, but when I go home, that's when it hits me. If I have absolutely NOTHING to do, I will fall into a depressed mode. I would rather drive a quarter tank of gas away before going home sometimes. You're not alone.

One thing I can do is honor my brother through painting. He painted several abstract pieces on large canvases and I have 2 in my apaprtment. I think that if you can find something your brother loved to do and participate, it will help you fill in that empty spot in your soul.

Edited April 24, 2008 by LadyLuck13