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Dear everyone,

This evening I feel like I'm having a relapse of many of my feelings...

Although I feel like my head is above water in most ways, inside there is this sinking feeling of sorts and the last couple hours the sinking feeling is growing bigger and bigger.

This evening is tough as today is one of those days I just can't believe Mom is gone. I'm sure everyone goes though it, one moment I feel like running down the street screaming and the next it's like I feel like I'm in shock like I've just been jolted back into a bad dream of sorts. I don't know why but I've been thinking more of her again when I pass the funeral home - it's on my way home from work, so I think I'll have to alter my route again, but with the other route I take there is the memorial place and that reminds me just as much.

My daughter and I went for Eater at my sister's place. She has a large house and tends to host family gatherings. It is very generous of her, we all bring something to contribute to the meal. It just was hard for me because I missed my Mom so much. I didn't know what to do with out her. I was't able to go out to my sister's place previously because it really reminded me of Mom. But I was able to control my tears. At dessert, my sister brought out my Mom's sponge cake. My heart sank to my knees. It was so nice of her to make, but it was just too much for my poor little eyes. I only had a couple of tears, but we probably all had to consciously think not to cry.

Today it's like it was a week after my mom died. I just can't believe she has passed away!! Intellectually I understand, but my heart just can't accept this. I just feel it can't be true and I want my Mom back from what seems like a long vacation away from us.

I went to the dentist today. I made the appointment because in the last month I have felt I can finally handle it. I was scared I was going to completely lose it at the dentist because with inordinate physical stress I break down. I made it through the appointment - the last time I saw my dentist was about six weeks before Mom died. I told him I just didn't think I would be able to make it through the appointment without breaking down if I had come any sooner than this month. But I think now the stress has worked in the completely opposite way, the strain from the dentist is making me fall apart tonight. I am terrified of the whole dental situation. I have a fantastic dentist and he is awesome, but as a child I suffered abuse from a dentist. I'm having a crown put on a root canal that I had last year. I just wanted to go to my mom today and cry in her arms as it was A LOT of drilling. I think I have a slight allergy to the freezing as I've been loopy since and other weird affects.

Additionally, I've tried to wean myself slowly off the anti-depressants a bit because I'm trying to lose weight and not feel so lethargic. Last year just before Mom was diagnosed, I finally had weaned myself off of them after many years. I seem to feel more energetic when I don't take them. I know this sounds weird. I take them because about 10 years ago when I had to be tested for ADD. I knew I had an anxiety disorder since I was a teenager, but the Ph.D. physchologist/md (but not psychiatrist) diagnosed me with OCD. I had tried other antidepressants targeted at OCD but they made me suicidal. Unfortunately as I wean myself off these tablets I can feel and see OCD returning :( When I am not taking these tablets, I don't feel nearly as hungry and my house gets much cleaner. When I was younger I never knew enough about OCD but thought if people were to know my inner thoughts they would put me away. Now I understand I just have OCD and it is controllable.

I think overall these tangential paragraphs that I'm absolutely sobbing over as I write it all boils down to I really miss my mom I just want her to come back to me. What I would give to have her hold me in her arms and for her to tell me it's all ok and she loves me.

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I'm so sorry you are feeling so depressed, but it is normal, though that doesn't help much to know, huh? I still can't believe my mom and dad are gone, even though I know they are, of course. But it still seems unreal to me. I, too, wish more than anything that I had my mom back to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. Nothing can replace that. I wish I had some magic advice, but I don't. We just have to keep plodding along and hope that we can do ok, which we will in time.

You may want to talk to your doctor about your meds and if you should get off them or change or whatever. It sounds like you need an accurate diagnosis of your condition. It's not always wise to adjust our meds ourselves.

Just hang in there and know that it will be ok eventually. It takes time and it's normal to feel pretty good, and then feel pretty bad, for sometimes no apparent reason. But you will feel better again.



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I am sorry you are struggling so, right now.

I am too. I just keep thinking as time goes on it will get easier and some days it does..but recently its been really hard. My mom died Dec.06. And today, it seems like it was yesterday. My mom's birthday is March 20th, this one was harder than last years.I am on vacation right now, and at the same place we have always come with my parents for over 20 years.Its bittersweet. So many memories...my sister-in-law is trying to keep all the same traditions, watching sunsets together,same actvities, even the same meals...its just been too much. As silly as it is, I dont want to eat my mom's chicken salad, without my mom. I know my mom and dad are here with us, but I just want to be able to hug them and talk to them. Sorry I wasnt much help, just wanted you to know you are not alone.

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