New To This Board

[cathycnyrs]

I've been reading a lot of the posts and wish I had came here months ago. I've also heard the get over it. I HAD a friend at work that had the nerve to say that a few months ago the day I had a panic attack at work.

My Dad was 72 in great health. He walked a mile or two almost everyday. He had been working on my car that week and couldn't figure out what was going on with it, and we finally took it to a mechanic two days before IT happened. He also cut my grass that week. I was a 41 year old Daddy's girl. My parents keep my daughter who is 11 when school is out. It happened on a Saturday. I'm a mail carrier and I dropped her off at their house at 7:30 am. The night before I was at the hospital with my ex and my daughter, his great aunt had had a stroke and was not expected to make it. That woman was like a grandmother to me for many years, she was 87. I had cried on the way to work. I had went outside to smoke with a co-worker at about 9am and was crying then. I went back to case mail and was inside my case for about 2 minutes when the phone rang... and I knew what the call was... I had dreamed this phone call several times over the past year. It was my mother who never called me in the office, especially never in the morning. It was 9:14 am. She said, I hate to tell you like this but I think your Daddy's dead. I said have you called 911? She said, yes they are on their way... you need to get here Valerie (my daughter) is still asleep, you have got to get here and then she asked me to call my sister and I said I can't and I took off running through the post office with 50 or so people looking on. I was screaming and shaking and slid on my knees into my bosses lap. I was hysterical and I don't remember alot of it. I kept screaming I can't drive someone has to take me and a supervisor did take me to the house and I knew that it was true. I called my sister in the car and she didn't answer and called back moments later screaming. I got to the house and we had to park 1/2 way down the drive and I ran 200 feet to the ambulance and looked inside. A police officer met me at the door and said he was still warm and they were doing CPR. I knew he was gone. My mother was worried about my daughter and wanted to keep her asleep and she was asleep in the room across from him and I could see his feet from the door. I opened the door and she asked what was going on and I told her the paramedics were there doing CPR. I took her our of the room where she wouldn't see his feet and by the time we came back into the livingroom my sister and her kids were standing there lined up. I walked outside and then the fireman called us in and said they would be stopping CPR (I was petrified we were fixing to drive to the hospital and he was gone... I knew that... in my heart I knew). My sister freaked, me and my mother said ok and we had to explain to her he was gone. They probably worked him about an hour and a half, although I lost sense of time.

This is what I relive over and over again. Mainly the phone call at the office and me losing it. I don't think I've ever lost it in my lifetime. It is the time I don't remember that haunts me and as time passes I remember little things, like a co-worker kneeled behind me rubbing my back or seeing a face on the way out the door.

I'm on anti-depressants and not quite so weepy, however I want to spend days off in bed. I want to hybernate. My mother is doing better than I would have thought. I have a new sense of responsibility to her now. We are getting along for the first time in my life. She says we've always fought so much because we are so much alike. Me and my Dad only argued about my attitude towards her.

I have great friends. The "friend" that said get over it... well I have since distanced myself. I'm getting through it. But, I still hurt. My daughter has emotional spurts. He was a Dad to her. She took trips all across the country with my folks and they have helped me raise her.

My best friend, I work with... came in the building as they took me out one door she came in another and someone told her my Dad died and she said no it is the Aunt. They said no it is her Dad. She pushed the girl and called her a liar, and said he was at my house yesterday. Then she turned and saw another friend of mine crying and she fainted. My boss got her out of there and convinced her to go to me. We had traded car keys (long story) and I had my Dad's car... she fell apart again knowing she was going to have to drive his car. She saw all of the emergency personell and called me from the end of the driveway and it was at the exact moment that the fireman said they were going to stop CPR and I clicked the phone and hung up on her. I did call her as soon as I could and she had driven home. SHe came back and took my daughter for a little while.

The night before this happened. I had called my Dad at 9:05 to tell him about the Aunt and ask if he and my mother would come to the funeral with me (being on the inlaw side) and he said, she may be ok. I said she will either die or be a vegetable. He said, she would want that and of course they would go and we talked an hour. My sister called five minutes after I did and talked to him an hour.

The next few days my mother and I kept saying, she can't die (the Aunt) until we get Daddy buried. She waited til the next Thursday. I saw her grow old though. I never really saw my Dad grow old. Sometimes I think I haven't had time to really grieve her because of my Dad dying at that moment. My daughter lost two very important people that week.

It's been 7 months, sometimes it is like yesterday and sometimes it feels like longer. My emotions have traveled places I never knew they could go. I'm comforted reading these posts and knowing I'm not the only one feeling these feelings and hurting the way I am.

[leeann]

Cathy.. Welcome! Sorry you have to be here with us.. but glad you found us.

I'm so very sorry about the loss of your Dad and your ex's Great Aunt.

So close together... must have been a terrible time.

Your Dad.. that must have been such an awful stunner & shock. And I yes, I'm not surprised you have trouble recalling things from that terrible day. Maybe our minds protect us somewhat.. I don't know. It is a good sign though that some of those details have come back to you as time as passed. I would try to feel confident that the recall will continue and not allow yourself to be haunted by the gaps in your memory. As your mind protected you that day.. maybe it still is and you may recall certain things exactly when you need to.

Your Dad (and your Mom) sounded like they were such a help to you with your daughter. And the grace under pressure your Mom showed in the moment.. so concerned for your daughter... bless her.

Wanting to hibernate.... that's so familiar. Of course I have to push myself.. especially for our kid's sakes... and I do. But I also try to take some time for me when I need it.

The new responsibility you feel towards your Mom and the improvement in your relationship... is a positive to counter all of the negative you have gone through. I'm so happy for you that you have this now. I bet you both help each other.

And it is awesome that you have such great support from friends! That's another blessing that I'm sure you feel ever so grateful for.

Your daughter.. that's hard isn't it?? When mine hurt...sometimes all I can do is hold them ..... we can't fix this boo-boo. So I can sympathize with you as you help her weather her storm of grief too.

Thanks so much for sharing your story.. it does indeed help me too. It sounds like you have done/are doing some real good things for yourself.

Please continue to stop on in here and let us know how you are doing.

leeann

[shell]

Cathy,

Welcome to the board and I'm so sorry for your losses. It's a long, hard journey, but it will get "easier" to cope with eventually. Leeann was so right about the positive (with your mom and you) being mixed in with the negative. Build on that and you can all help each other through this. Your daughter will need both of you and it is wonderful that she is close to your mom. Hang in there.

Hugs,

Shell

[MariahC]

Hi Cathy, welcome to the board. I'm sorry about the loss of your dad and your ex's great aunt.

The loss of a father is so, so difficult to deal with - I lost mine 5 weeks ago. Like you, I was also a daddy's girl. The feelings you describe "wanting to spend days off in bed" and wanting to hibernate I can identify with. It is difficult to face each day and to face the world sometimes after having lost the people that you love.

People who tell you to "get over it" sound like they've never experienced the loss of someone close. Really, if they haven't got anything helpful to say, they really ought not to say anything at all. It's times like these that you realise who your true friends are. I'm glad to hear that your close friends have rallied round and are helping you.

It's also great that you and your mother are becoming closer. You'll help each other through.

Please do continue to post here when ever you need to.

[cathycnyrs]

Thanks everyone. I think I have learned throughout life, that there are circumstances that you really find out who your friends are. I lost a few, so called friends during my divorce six years ago and haven't missed them a bit. I had a few friends that were close but became family during that time. I had a guy friend who was married and lived in another state, we had hung around during our single days. He called a few weeks after my seperation and I told him what happened and he yelled to his wife to pack her bags they were taking a trip. I was in such bad shape, his family came up six weekends in a row that summer. I had another girlfriend that was married and lived 2 hours away and she started calling at 9am everyday and somedays I didn't want to get out of bed and just hung up. She would get in the car and drive down and beat on the door until I let her in. She and her husband bought my daughter school clothes and Christmas that year. My husband had let me quit my long term job to do a home based business and left with another woman two weeks later. I called her as soon as I could the day my Dad died and she pulled up before the coroner... she lives 20 minutes away now. She dropped her life for a week, my daughter spent that first night with her while I spent the night with my mother. The guy and his wife out of state, made it for the funeral... although he had just started a new job. I knew they would be there, no matter what... it was a given. I also remember during that time my so called friends implying that my divorce was my fault, and even if that had been the case it wasn't supportive friend behavior. Some people are shallow and self centered and really don't want to be around anyone that isn't on the top of the world and I'd love to be on top of the world all the time, but life sucks sometimes. Love me when I'm pitiful or don't love me at all. I sometimes think, well if it happened to them they would understand... but, then again I think some people do just get over it... they don't care that much or feel as deeply as I do and I wouldn't change being me for the world and if that means I hurt deeper, it also means I love deeper.

[leeann]

It is so great that you have such dear and faithful friends. I'm sure that must be a comfort to you.

Yes I agree.. ya love deeply... you hurt just as deeply.

leeann