My Story

[shauna marie]

Well, I'm new to this board, however, not new to grief.

I lost my father over four years ago, on Jan. 16/04. I was only 25 at the time. He had been having chest pains off and on for about five weeks before, thought it was the cold, but refused to see a doctor. Early that morning, I heard my father gasping for air. I was in the living room with my mom, we were watching tv. I ran in to see what was wrong and realized that something was. I called 911 and tried to start CPR, but it didn't work. My father was in his bedroom which was about 25 feet from the living room. It was useless, he died of an ischemic heart attack. He was gone in probably less than 30 seconds, died in his sleep.

My mom died Sept 7/05. I was only 27 at the time. She had suffered from pain for over 10 years. She had had every test done, everything. We now think it was possible it was schizophrenia. She was on medication that is prescribed for that medical illness, but we were never actually told. The medication did help, until she stopped taking it. And then she slowly went downhill. She couldn't handle the pain and often didn't want to leave the house. Once we got her to leave, she was usually ok. It was getting her to leave. She always wanted to see the doctor, to get a diagnosis for her pain. We tried to tell her that she needed to lose weight, etc, but she never listened. She just wanted a magical pill. She became very difficult to live with in the summer of 2005. She was smothering me. She'd do things, like take a ton of her blood pressure medication to get me to get her an ambulance. We were at the outpatients at least once a week. She'd wake me up in the middle of the night to cry about the pain. Wanted me to fix her, but I couldn't. She wanted the doctors to, but they couldn't. She'd call other family members--like my uncle, grandmother, brother--and tell them how she was being abused by us at home; saying that we called her crazy. But she never did anything to help herself, even when my dad was alive. She wanted us to do it for her. How could we? Everything was planned around the pain. Could never go shopping with me, etc. And I think she had schizophrenia. She certainly had all of the symptoms and it would be like her to leave that little detail out. She wouldn't want us to think she was crazy. It might have helped us. And I couldn't bear to look at those medical documents and her psychiatrist has since passed away as well. I could get a copy of the records, but I don't want to see them.

I still have trouble with it all. Her estate still isn't closed out yet. My father's wasn't fully done when she died, so we had to start back with his before we could deal with hers. It just seems to be one thing after another. That will be done shortly and then hopefully I'll be able to get on with my life to some degree. I can't believe that I'll never see her again though. It doesn't seem real and it certainly isn't fair. I've had to become a completely new person because I can't do anything that I did with her. Even going to church makes me cry. I've had to move away from where I grew up because it hurt so bad. I am around my godfather and I do have a wonderful, healthy relationship with him and his family. I finally have someone who can take care of me and who doesn't wake me up at all hours to fix his problems.

Shauna

[leeann]

Welcome Shauna.. Glad you found us.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your parents. It must be tough to be without them at such a young age.

However, I'm very happy that you have what sounds like a great Godfather to be around to support you.

I also found/find attending church very difficult as well. Right now it is too difficult and I do my worhsip outside the "building" kinda anywhere. I was becoming so emotional during services that it became all about that instead of feeding my faith & worhsip. So I practice differently now and look for other ways to feed myself spiritually.

Glad you will be able to wrap the estate business soon. For me, it helped to be finished with all of that. Hope the same for you.

leeann

[STARKISS]

Hi Shauna Marie,

I am so sorry to hear about your dear parents but I am glad you found this website... The people here are so very caring and understand... I will also keep you in my prayers Take care and God bless Shelley