Ok, I Just Want To Break Down And Cry Now

[shauna marie]

Well, it finally hit. Mother's Day is coming and coming too soon and I'm turning into a wreck. It hit me full force like a ton of bricks this morning.

I'm having trouble doing what I did last year. I bought something for my godfather's wife. I don't know if I can do that this year. Seems just wrong. If I want to give her a thank you present for all she's done, it can wait, right? But then I think that last year I got her something. But then I think of the other side of the coin. She's lost her daughter (this hasn't actually happened though, thankfully). Say they had a, "Daughter's Day"...would I want her to give me something just because something happened to her daughter? Nope, not ever. But as I said, I did last year. Maybe last year I wasn't strong enough to not celebrate the day. Maybe I was just too exhausted to spend the time crying about it. Whatever the reason, I know I cannot buy her a present for Mother's Day and that's that. I just can't.

Is it Monday yet?

Shauna

[leeann]

Shauna.. just talk to her and let her know you appreciate her support but are not up to shopping or much celebrating of Mother's Day this year. I bet she will understand.

And go ahead.... break down and cry.. it will probably make you feel better in the long run. Don't judge those tears.. just let the tears come and go as you feel them. I find not thinking too much about how I grieve to be helpful. When the feelings come.. I feel them, express them and then keep going til I feel them again.

((((Hugs))))

leeann

[shauna marie]

leeann,

Thank you for your reply.

I have decided what I will do about my dilemna. Instead of giving her something now, I will wait until the first of June and then I will give her and my godfather a thank you present. That way, I've thanked them, but left the special day to them. I think there's a part of me that wants to leave the day for her kids, too, if that makes sense. And I know last year I had major guilt issues when I gave my godfather a Father's Day present.

I should mention that my father was an (insert profane word that starts with the letter a.) He was never there for me emotionally. He actually did quite a bit of harm to me as a child regarding my weight. He always made me feel fat. Well, almost my entire family did--except for my godfather. He was the only one who ever made me feel like a person and he knew it. We've always had a special bond. Well, I decided to use Father's Day to open up and tell him that. It was so horrible after though. I'm glad I told him, but can't believe that I told on my father and other family members. I also can't believe I used that day to tell him. In the long run, am I glad? You betcha. But there was a price to pay and that was about two weeks of being depressed over the whole thing. When I moved here, I promised my dad that I'd never tell on him. No one but one of my brothers knew how badly he really treated me and the effect it had on me. But I owed it to my godfather to know the full impact he had on my life.

The problem with being upset over Mother's Day is it brings back horrible memories. I should also mention that I had a horrible tooth infection that affected my jaw, I tend to end up with TMJ at times. But the last time I had a bad flare up, I was back home with my parents. It just triggered me to back then and how I was. This whole week has been (insert word that begins with the letter h) on earth for me and I just don't like this. I guess I'm worried that I'll go back to that and I don't want that.

I guess I need to take the weekend for just me and stay away from other humans. Turn my phone off, not leave my apartment, just stay around people that don't trigger me into feeling bad about myself. Right now I'm just teetering on the edge. I don't want to resort to medication. I want to say I survived this weekend on my own. I do know there's a little park at the end of my street, so maybe I'll take a walk there and explore it for exercise and I'll spend the rest of the weekend cleaning my apartment.

Thanks for your reply.

Shauna

[leeann]

Shauna

I can definitely identify with the feeling of not wanting a whole lot of human contact. Sometimes I just need to hibernate here & there and just chill by myself.

Your plan for the Thank You gifts sounds great. I think you have made a good choice there and one that will work well for you.

As far as this weekend goes.. if you have prescribed medication ... and if you need it... there is no shame or weakness in taking it.

The walk sounds like a good idea and so does the cleaning.. believe it or not.. I find that cleaning can distract me very well.

So make it about treating you to some peace this weekend maybe. You surely have earned that!

You know I'll be thinking of you and everyone here this weekend.

leeann