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Four Months Ago Today

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Feb 2, 2008 is the day i lost my mom. i can't believe it has been 4 months. At times it feels like it has been forever, then other times i wonder where the time has gone. How have i survived these 4 months without seeing her, touching her, hearing her sweet voice? i don't want to ever forget that day i was called to her side. She was non responsive, with an oxygen mask to keep her comfortable. She was like an angel lying there, so peaceful. No pain, thank God. Just like she was sleeping. Where normally she would be scratching constantly, they never could determine what the itching was from. That day, she was not itching for the first time in a long time. Just sleeping. They said she had an enlarged heart which was filling with fluids. Sometime between 11:30 and noon, she turned her head up toward Heaven and her breathing changed. The nurse came in and said she will take 2 or 3 more breaths, then she would leave us...and she did. Every night when i go to bed, i relive that day..over and over and over. My biggest regret is that i did not visit her the day before she died. I went to see her on the Thursday before, but skipped Friday. That hurts so much. I am so happy that the four of us kids were there with her when she left us. I am very glad i found this site because i do not want to bring my brothers and sister down by talking about her. i can come here and pour out my heart knowing there are people who care. My family is hurting as much as I and i don't want to hurt them anymore. I love you and miss you, Mom.

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Dear DebFromLodi,

It will be a year June 11th for me- the day that my world started spinning and has not stopped. Will we ever be the same- NO Will we ever find joy again-I don't know Were we loved-YES Can we go on without her, not as well- somedays I don't even want to- but what choice do we have? We were blessed.

Life does not seem fair.... I have so many feelings going around in my head... so many WHYS!!!!! They will not be answered. I needed my mother so, she even made that comment God will not take me because he knows how much you all need me.............

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