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I went to my parent's grave yesterday to put fresh flowers and came across something that disturbs me and leaves me to question why.

Someone had taken the roses that my brother had put in the flower urn for my mom and stomped on them and my sister put two small resin birds and one of them was also stomp on and strewn.

We have had rain, but the way the flowers were at the grave it was not from the grounds keeper lawnmower or anything like that. I wanted to believe that at first as I couldn't fanthom that anyone would do such a thing. But then again my stepfather had threaten to exhume my mother so anything is possible.

I'm pretty sure it was either my stepfather or adopted sister as no one else would have any reason at this time to do this. I emailed this to my siblings - my sister seems upset and of course rightly so. My siblings wouldn't do this as we all miss and respect our mother too much. My suspicions are cast towards my adopted sister and stepfather for a few reasons 1. We are in a legal battle with my stepfather 2. When my mother could no longer get out of bed, my stepfather took the blooming orchid that I got for my mother, brought it into the backyard and mowed over it several times and 3. My adopted sister has admitted to me she takes cocaine and she was always extremely abusive towards my mom. Therefore, in connecting dots, potentially one of them could have been the culperit. As I said, no one else has any reason to do so but then again, one never knows.

I simply cannot comprehend "why" anyone is like this. This is disturbing behavior for many reasons. Someone is not dealing with their grief properly, has many anger issues towards my mother and our family and of course it leads one to ponder if it starts as this and will things end up in a much worse situation. It goes without saying that it is completely disrespectful to my mother, and it is targeted to hurt my siblings and myself. Why would anyone do something so bizarre and stupid? I can understand that each and every one of us is in pain, but what does it accomplish? It's not like this behavior won't be recognized for what it is - a feable way of lashing out. I can't understand why anyone would display such mentally unstable behavior like this.

It also makes me once again consider and still arrive at the same comclusion where I could not understand why my mom stayed in such an abusive situation. It just continued to get worse over the years and both of them became more and more complicit in the increasing abuse towards my mom. If we stepped in or did anything it would make things worse and she wouldn't want to talk to us.

In many ways seeing the roses and the resin bird like that doesn't surprise me, but now that my mom is gone, it seems that someone cannot leave her to rest peacefully and respect at the very minimum her memory. Yes, there is some extremely sick and unbalanced individual or individuals. So along with mourning my mom we are led to believe that there is some sicko(s) out there. I know my mom would have said feel "sorry for that person" because they are so unstable. And to some degree I do feel sorry, but one has to be really deranged to start doing that to someone's grave. I'm left to think why doesn't that person get help.

I suppose there is no sense in wondering why. I just have to shake my head and think that my mom is in a good place where she is at peace and no matter what anyone does, there is nothing that this person can do to hurt my mom any more.

Sorry for the rant.

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I'm so sorry you have experienced this. And yes I agree, probably not all that productive to think about "Why".

No... they can't hurt your Mom anymore. And I sincerely hope they get the help they need someday. And maybe once the legal issues are resolved one way or the other.. you may not see any more behavior like this. Well, that is my hope anyway.

An idea.... Your Mom could have some flowers and some favorite resin figures right in your house or backyard. Yes it would be nice to be able to put them on her grave... but.. it may not be worth the upset of finding them smashed as well. So maybe consider doing something for her right where you are. She will see them and know. It doesn't really matter where they are... she'll know.

As far as trying to understand why your Mom put up with the abuse... it might help you to look for a book by someone who survived an abusive relationship. But only when you are ready for this... I wouldn't rush into it.. but someday when you are ready.

That may give you some insight & understanding into why your Mom did what she did.

You have a good attitude about all of this. But I know it hurt you.. and I'm so sorry it happened.


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I went back out to my mom's grave today. My sister was out there and replaced the one resin bird that got smashed to bits. Also some of the peonies I placed out there removed - the ones that were sufferign from the heat. I put some fresh peonies there and talked to my mom for a bit.

I don't feel she is around anymore. It's weird - it felt like she was with me for a long time, but it doesn't feel like that anymore. I guess it is just another step to accepting that she is gone.

Thursday night was the first night she talked to me in a dream. I dreamt we were in Europe and then at a church back here at home. I knew something was wrong and I kept on asking her until she told me. She said my sister's name and my cousin's name. I said ok, what's wrong with them? She said oh, you're just trying to trick me. I said no, I just want to know what happened that's all. She told me they had both been killed in an accident. She started getting upset and walked away. I woke up. I still haven't phoned my sister yet.

I just miss my mom.

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If this is any consolation to you, your mother is so surrounded by her peace where she dwells, in whatever shape, or form, that the meaness acted out by the persons who did that cannot reach or touch her.

It is these people whose anger rages within them that are being eaten up from the inside out. They are miserable people who cannot be happy and will never find their own peace. Unfortunatly they reside here and the people they can touch become their victims.

I hope this situation comes to a better end for you .


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