LadyDebra Posted June 30, 2008 Report Share Posted June 30, 2008 Hi again, I know I've written a lot, but I wanted to tell everything I've felt this past month, from Kitty Grey's passing, burial to this 1 month mark. The timing might be off but here are my combined posts. Thanks for letting me vent. I can't stop crying & stressing about burying my baby 2 weeks ago, in my back yard in Sedona, next to Gizmo, my angel orange tabby. It was a 3 hour trip full of emotions, tears, near hysteria, panic, sadness, & an incredible hole in my heart as I left to come back to the city until my health & that of my CRF blind cat, Whiskers, is more settled. I don't believe he'll make the journey home & the thought of losing him is too much to bear. I sound mean, but I wish I was as close & connected to Whiskers & my other tortie, Little One II, the same way I was to Kitty Grey. I love these cats, but they don't need me, sleep with me, or comfort me like Kitty Grey did. She was the cuddly, clingy one who needed a mama. KG was there for all the ups and downs of the past 20 years. She always wanted me to hold her, play with her, be with me. If I was doing anything else or with anyone else, she'd wail for me to come get her. If I was on the computer, she was next to it. If I was in bed, she laid on my chest or draped herself over my shoulder. When I'd cry, she'd gently put her paw on my cheek, or if she was on my chest or lap, she'd lick the tears away with her sandpaper tongue. She read me better than anyone. She possessed intelligence, gentleness & grace I'd never seen in such an abused cat. She had every right to be mean, but she never was. That didn't mean she didn't have sass, as she showed with her incredibly loud, wailing. At the vet, you could hear her through the entire building! She was a more than a part of my life; she was a part of me. I fussed over her constantly, even before she became ill. If I traveled anywhere, I had my parents "baby sit" or hire a pet sitter. I'd call every night to see how Kitty Grey was doing, where she was sleeping, if she was eating & if she missed me. KG was a kitten in a cat's body. She was as dependent on me as a baby would be to a mother, & as I've said, without having a child, she became that baby to me. We both needed each other to be fulfilled. When my life as I had known it for 18 years ended in divorce & a move, she was the one who gave me the comfort, security & the meaning to keep going & make a new life on my own. I really don't know how to go on without her. I think it would be easier to cope with if I had a job, friends, or a family to look after. I still can't sleep or eat much. My brain is in a fog & I can't concentrate. I let my bills go, messages go unanswered, & housework neglected. I don't care or have the energy to motivate myself to move. I'm drawn at sunset every day to the sun porch where I let Kitty Grey go, until the sun sets, usually crying, praying, or talking to my girl the entire time. I ask for signs, a sudden breeze to whip up, an unusual bird or cat to walk by, a slight dent in her blue cushion...anything that would show me she's still with me. I want & need a sign to reassure me she's at peace, that she's gone somewhere, that she isn't just gone. I ask Kitty Grey to visit me in my dreams, but I've just had complicated, nonsensical nightmares, or get so restless, tossing & turning that I sleep on the couch. With my fibromyalgia & back pain, it doesn't help my physical self any more than my mental self. Then the guilt hits & think I deserve to suffer, for the things I didn't do, like start her treatments earlier. Why I didn't try harder to make her eat her kidney food, buy her more vitamins or tried another vet? I think about the times I wasted on the computer, or shopping, when I could've been holding Kitty Grey, talking to her, rubbing her under her chin or letting her kiss my nose. But, there were times I set her aside, thinking I had something more important to do. It haunts me to think of it now, the times she cried when she had "killed" her sock for the 5th time & I was too tired to go & praise her. Or when I hurt so badly & stayed in bed for days, skipped her fluids, or wasn't there when she needed me. I'd give almost anything to turn the clock back & recapture those lost moments. I'd turn off the computer, the TV, the phone & pay attention to her. To look into those beautiful, blue crossed eyes again, to kiss her around her neck, where her pure white fur smelled like baby powder, to let her drape her furry paws around my neck, or lick my nose until it was red & hurt. Why didn't I pay more attention to her when she was here?? It tortures me. I don't want to turn on the TV, or music, or go anywhere. I don't want to read, shop, swim, & yet when she was here, why did I do all those things? I don't do anything now, but sit in silence, missing her gentle touch, soft purrs, head bonks & silly love bites. I feel I should be suffering, for ever neglecting her or not staying with her longer. I know I rescued her years ago, took her to numerous vets, gave her medications, put her first, but it never seems enough. The vets, boards & my parents praise me for being a great mom to Miss Grey, but I don't feel that. I don't feel comforted; I feel devastated. I know my parents get tired of having me calling them at all hours in tears, or coming over to find me laying in bed or on the floor, crying or just staring into space. It almost seems as if I've resigned myself to feel sad forever if I can't have her in my life with me. I knew this would be tough because I recognized the bond of mom & child I shared with Kitty Grey. I talked to my parents, doctors & counselors, yet none of their words nor medications have helped. I've been encouraged to go to grief support groups, or a hospital to straighten out my emotions, but can't move forward. I hate to go to sleep, knowing she isn't on her heated bed next to me on the nightstand. She looked so innocent & precious all curled up & relaxed with her head tilted up, that I'd lay on my side, just watching her breathe & I'd smile, at how cute & content she looked, & thinking how blessed & happy I was to have saved her & made her feel that safe & loved. It also made me feel happy & would ease my pain watching her. When I think back on the regrets of my life, the divorce, the chronic pain & loss of my career, I always thought that she was the reason I kept going, the reason I was here. Now, I feel I have no reason here. I miss Kitty Grey the most, in the dark, stillness of night, when I'm lying in bed with pain, or crying, knowing that she'd be on my chest the minute she heard me stir, or just sense it. She'd let me know I was loved & needed. I don't feel that anymore, in fact, I don't know why I'm here. My girl was my entire life, my purpose & destiny, to save her from abuse, then to baby her & spend years erasing those horrible memories from her mind. Now, she's gone & I feel like I'm gone too. I can't think of one thing that brings me joy like she did, or anything to look forward to when I wake up.I pace the floor, looking to find anything to focus on to keep from crying, trying to find some release from this horrible, haunting feeling. What should I do? I can't stand the stress, the sadness, but I can't move out of it either. I've barely left the house since she passed on May 28. I'm still drawn to the sun room at sunset, to watch the sun drop. No matter where I'm at in the house, or whatever I'm doing, I'm compelled to look at the clock & it's always 7:22 PM, right when Kitty Grey left me. Why am I doing that? It kills me. I'm so lost.I want to run away, or drive to Sedona, where Kitty Grey is laid to rest. I know she isn't really in the ground, but I don't feel her here either. Yet, I feel like I can't leave here, where her spirit left me, so I'm torn between both places. I can't feel or sense her with me, so I keep looking for her. I feel an emptiness, that she's really gone, not a spirit, not anywhere waiting for me. I doubt my faith, the idea of heaven, the rainbow bridge, any thing hopeful. I had a counselor & doctor come to the house before & after KG's passing. They both reassured me I wasn't having a nervous breakdown, that the depression & grief were mingling & causing more anguish. The Dr. increased my meds, & told me that grief is awful, terrifying, hard, & yet, I must go through it. The meds are supposed to balance my brain chemistry, so I can cope & move through the grief, but I've never handled loss well, even as a child. To make it worse, my parents are gone for 3 weeks. I had to write to ask if anyone else felt as bad, hopeless & desperate as me, not wanting to live on, feeling that there was no more joy to find, & nothing to look forward to or hope for. I want to just exist day to day, minute by minute until my time is up & I can be with my kitty. I know I sound crazy, & ironically I know it. I feel immature, that others have felt this way, & handled it. I'm supposedly intelligent & have had counseling for various things, but I can't handle this. I don't know how to. It's nearly 2 am, so I'll post this & try to get tired. As I was writing, I had the TV on, ironically one of the few times, & Sarah Brightman was singing, "Time to Say Goodbye". I broke down again. I've gone through losing fur babies numerous times before, & I survived, but no cat or dog has ever had the bond with me that Kitty Grey did. That's what scares me. I ask for prayers I can't summon, to give me strength, to give me a sign that Kitty Grey is at peace, some place where we'll be together again, that I'll live through this, even though honestly, I don't feel like it. I know my other 2 cats need me & my parents love me, but why isn't that enough? I feel that even if I do live, I'll just be dead inside, existing, without any feelings. I've rambled, & I'm sorry. It all came pouring out again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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