Part 2 Still Grieving For Kitty Grey

[LadyDebra]

Hi again,

I know I've written a lot, but I wanted to tell everything I've felt this past month, from Kitty Grey's passing, burial to this 1 month mark. The timing might be off but here are my combined posts. Thanks for letting me vent.

I can't stop crying & stressing about burying my baby 2 weeks ago, in my back yard in Sedona, next to Gizmo, my angel orange tabby. It was a 3 hour trip full of emotions, tears, near hysteria, panic, sadness, & an incredible hole in my heart as I left to come back to the city until my health & that of my CRF blind cat, Whiskers, is more settled. I don't believe he'll make the journey home & the thought of losing him is too much to bear. I sound mean, but I wish I was as close & connected to Whiskers & my other tortie, Little One II, the same way I was to Kitty Grey. I love these cats, but they don't need me, sleep with me, or comfort me like Kitty Grey did. She was the cuddly, clingy one who needed a mama.

KG was there for all the ups and downs of the past 20 years. She always wanted me to hold her, play with her, be with me. If I was doing anything else or with anyone else, she'd wail for me to come get her. If I was on the computer, she was next to it. If I was in bed, she laid on my chest or draped herself over my shoulder. When I'd cry, she'd gently put her paw on my cheek, or if she was on my chest or lap, she'd lick the tears away with her sandpaper tongue. She read me better than anyone. She possessed intelligence, gentleness & grace I'd never seen in such an abused cat. She had every right to be mean, but she never was. That didn't mean she didn't have sass, as she showed with her incredibly loud, wailing. At the vet, you could hear her through the entire building!

She was a more than a part of my life; she was a part of me. I fussed over her constantly, even before she became ill. If I traveled anywhere, I had my parents "baby sit" or hire a pet sitter. I'd call every night to see how Kitty Grey was doing, where she was sleeping, if she was eating & if she missed me. KG was a kitten in a cat's body. She was as dependent on me as a baby would be to a mother, & as I've said, without having a child, she became that baby to me. We both needed each other to be fulfilled. When my life as I had known it for 18 years ended in divorce & a move, she was the one who gave me the comfort, security & the meaning to keep going & make a new life on my own. I really don't know how to go on without her. I think it would be easier to cope with if I had a job, friends, or a family to look after.

I still can't sleep or eat much. My brain is in a fog & I can't concentrate. I let my bills go, messages go unanswered, & housework neglected. I don't care or have the energy to motivate myself to move. I'm drawn at sunset every day to the sun porch where I let Kitty Grey go, until the sun sets, usually crying, praying, or talking to my girl the entire time. I ask for signs, a sudden breeze to whip up, an unusual bird or cat to walk by, a slight dent in her blue cushion...anything that would show me she's still with me. I want & need a sign to reassure me she's at peace, that she's gone somewhere, that she isn't just gone.

I ask Kitty Grey to visit me in my dreams, but I've just had complicated, nonsensical nightmares, or get so restless, tossing & turning that I sleep on the couch. With my fibromyalgia & back pain, it doesn't help my physical self any more than my mental self. Then the guilt hits & think I deserve to suffer, for the things I didn't do, like start her treatments earlier. Why I didn't try harder to make her eat her kidney food, buy her more vitamins or tried another vet? I think about the times I wasted on the computer, or shopping, when I could've been holding Kitty Grey, talking to her, rubbing her under her chin or letting her kiss my nose.

But, there were times I set her aside, thinking I had something more important to do. It haunts me to think of it now, the times she cried when she had "killed" her sock for the 5th time & I was too tired to go & praise her. Or when I hurt so badly & stayed in bed for days, skipped her fluids, or wasn't there when she needed me. I'd give almost anything to turn the clock back & recapture those lost moments. I'd turn off the computer, the TV, the phone & pay attention to her.

To look into those beautiful, blue crossed eyes again, to kiss her around her neck, where her pure white fur smelled like baby powder, to let her drape her furry paws around my neck, or lick my nose until it was red & hurt. Why didn't I pay more attention to her when she was here?? It tortures me. I don't want to turn on the TV, or music, or go anywhere. I don't want to read, shop, swim, & yet when she was here, why did I do all those things? I don't do anything now, but sit in silence, missing her gentle touch, soft purrs, head bonks & silly love bites. I feel I should be suffering, for ever neglecting her or not staying with her longer.

I know I rescued her years ago, took her to numerous vets, gave her medications, put her first, but it never seems enough. The vets, boards & my parents praise me for being a great mom to Miss Grey, but I don't feel that. I don't feel comforted; I feel devastated. I know my parents get tired of having me calling them at all hours in tears, or coming over to find me laying in bed or on the floor, crying or just staring into space. It almost seems as if I've resigned myself to feel sad forever if I can't have her in my life with me.

I knew this would be tough because I recognized the bond of mom & child I shared with Kitty Grey. I talked to my parents, doctors & counselors, yet none of their words nor medications have helped. I've been encouraged to go to grief support groups, or a hospital to straighten out my emotions, but can't move forward.

I hate to go to sleep, knowing she isn't on her heated bed next to me on the nightstand. She looked so innocent & precious all curled up & relaxed with her head tilted up, that I'd lay on my side, just watching her breathe & I'd smile, at how cute & content she looked, & thinking how blessed & happy I was to have saved her & made her feel that safe & loved. It also made me feel happy & would ease my pain watching her. When I think back on the regrets of my life, the divorce, the chronic pain & loss of my career, I always thought that she was the reason I kept going, the reason I was here. Now, I feel I have no reason here.

I miss Kitty Grey the most, in the dark, stillness of night, when I'm lying in bed with pain, or crying, knowing that she'd be on my chest the minute she heard me stir, or just sense it. She'd let me know I was loved & needed. I don't feel that anymore, in fact, I don't know why I'm here. My girl was my entire life, my purpose & destiny, to save her from abuse, then to baby her & spend years erasing those horrible memories from her mind. Now, she's gone & I feel like I'm gone too. I can't think of one thing that brings me joy like she did, or anything to look forward to when I wake up.

I pace the floor, looking to find anything to focus on to keep from crying, trying to find some release from this horrible, haunting feeling. What should I do? I can't stand the stress, the sadness, but I can't move out of it either. I've barely left the house since she passed on May 28. I'm still drawn to the sun room at sunset, to watch the sun drop. No matter where I'm at in the house, or whatever I'm doing, I'm compelled to look at the clock & it's always 7:22 PM, right when Kitty Grey left me. Why am I doing that? It kills me. I'm so lost.

I want to run away, or drive to Sedona, where Kitty Grey is laid to rest. I know she isn't really in the ground, but I don't feel her here either. Yet, I feel like I can't leave here, where her spirit left me, so I'm torn between both places. I can't feel or sense her with me, so I keep looking for her. I feel an emptiness, that she's really gone, not a spirit, not anywhere waiting for me. I doubt my faith, the idea of heaven, the rainbow bridge, any thing hopeful.

I had a counselor & doctor come to the house before & after KG's passing. They both reassured me I wasn't having a nervous breakdown, that the depression & grief were mingling & causing more anguish. The Dr. increased my meds, & told me that grief is awful, terrifying, hard, & yet, I must go through it. The meds are supposed to balance my brain chemistry, so I can cope & move through the grief, but I've never handled loss well, even as a child. To make it worse, my parents are gone for 3 weeks.

I had to write to ask if anyone else felt as bad, hopeless & desperate as me, not wanting to live on, feeling that there was no more joy to find, & nothing to look forward to or hope for. I want to just exist day to day, minute by minute until my time is up & I can be with my kitty. I know I sound crazy, & ironically I know it. I feel immature, that others have felt this way, & handled it. I'm supposedly intelligent & have had counseling for various things, but I can't handle this. I don't know how to.

It's nearly 2 am, so I'll post this & try to get tired. As I was writing, I had the TV on, ironically one of the few times, & Sarah Brightman was singing, "Time to Say Goodbye". I broke down again. I've gone through losing fur babies numerous times before, & I survived, but no cat or dog has ever had the bond with me that Kitty Grey did. That's what scares me.

I ask for prayers I can't summon, to give me strength, to give me a sign that Kitty Grey is at peace, some place where we'll be together again, that I'll live through this, even though honestly, I don't feel like it. I know my other 2 cats need me & my parents love me, but why isn't that enough? I feel that even if I do live, I'll just be dead inside, existing, without any feelings. I've rambled, & I'm sorry. It all came pouring out again.

[Maylissa]

Dear Debra,

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss of your baby girl, Kitty Grey, and for the deep, deep sorrow and depression you're going through now, in the aftermath. But right up front, I want you to know that I certainly understand it.

All you've said, from your story and how you feel, and felt when KG was still with you, is almost a carbon copy of my own story about me and my own baby girl, Nissa, who also had CRF. Nissa was also almost 20 when I had to help her leave (19 and 7 months). We have more in common, you and I, than you might know and so reading your posts was like reading something I might have written myself.

You've encapsulated so much of my own, former world as well as the same depth and types of reactions I had after my own girl was 'gone' (it's too rapidly coming up to 2 YEARS this Aug.!!...?!?!?! NO WAY!!), and I thank you for taking the time to write it all out so completely. It's also a pleasure for me to see someone else detail so much of their story, painful as it may be, as it gives me a better sense of what it and they are all about. In other words, your large effort was not wasted and it always helps me when I see someone else feels as 'extremely' as I did/do. I also hope it was somewhat cathartic for you to do this for yourself, even though I know it doesn't really rid one of the pain, but only helps us begin processing some of it, in tiny bits and pieces.

I suppose you're hoping to hear from someone that there's hope to get through this, bearing in mind the extremely deep relationship you had with KG, which I'm sure you believe very few others could possibly relate to. Because you, too, have had a hard time processing loss, as I have, I think the most helpful thing I can tell you instead is to give yourself enough permission and acceptance of how you DO feel in ANY given moment, and for how you think you're GOING to feel in future, for as long as you need to do that. I can't really tell you, in all honesty, that you'll feel "fine" at some arbitrary point in the future because it's been almost 2 years already for me and I'm still not what you'd call "fine", either. So can you simply ask yourself if it's okay to just BE an unhappy, grieving person, at least for now? From experience, I've found this always helps take some of that self-imposed and societal pressure off and allows you to at least live more in the Present, with your present feelings. (the other hard part is 'battling' those who don't want to accept you and your feelings for what they just ARE)

That's not to say I've lived in a total padded cell with my own grief for all this time, or that I haven't taken steps to try PLENTY of things that have all helped in their own ways (I suppose). But on the other hand, it's not like I'm anywhere near "fine" yet....and can't say for certain I ever will be, as I can't see myself in the future. Will I ever be AS happy, as content, feel as blessed as I ever could be at times before? I don't know. In fact, I actually highly doubt I will be. In other words, I'm still struggling, daily, even if some things about my grief have changed. I'm still 'in process' and likely will be for a long time to come. And if others don't like that, too bad, so sad, is the attitude I've had to adopt, for my own sake.

It took me many years of struggle and hard work to come through Nissa's brother's loss far enough to see not only gains, but the "silver lining" of that unimaginable loss. I still miss him like stink, though, but it doesn't 'consume' me as much. And so, whether correct or not, I expect the loss of my Little 'Nis to be much the same that way, even though it's unique and much, much, much worse in its own ways.

But it's the horror of having to try and actually LIVE through such enduring pain that's so tough....especially when we don't even want to live. When it feels like a mockery, an insult, even a betrayal to continue to live after we've lost our furchildren, our children by all rights and measure, even if they don't carry the 'superior status' of being members of the human species. I don't apologize to ANYONE for the depth of my love and deepest connection to my kidlets. If someone doesn't understand it because they've never HAD such a connection, too bad for them, I say! It IS what it is, it was what it was, and if that's the best earthly experience I ever had here, so be it. No one can take that away from me (or you). It does make it pretty lonely, though, trying to find others who feel exactly the same way about their kids and who give them the same, equal status as human children, in all respects. To date, I've only found a very few others who feel the exact, same, intense way about their furkids, but I know there are many of us out there all the same...it's just a matter of finding them and maybe I never will.

You say Kitty Grey hasn't sent you any signs yet....and yet, on TV there was Sarah Brightman singing that gut-wrenching song, "Time to Say Good-Bye".....oh, man....can't listen to that w/o breaking the dam open wide! While it's not the 'nicest' message, if you know what I mean, do you think it may have meant something special between you and your girl? I say this because, IN CONTEXT AT THE TIME, I'm positive this exact sign has been sent to me as one of the (many, by now) signs my Nissa has sent to me. Like all of those in that plane, she uses whatever she can at the time to get through to me.

I do understand about the disturbing dreams, too, though, and have had my share of those as well....as well as some definite dream visitations....although really only one for SURE from my girl a few months after her crossing, and maybe one other (yet a number from her brother, and more than one each from other human loved ones). Even that doesn't seem right and yet I get other signs from her. Sigh...we just don't always get what we want the most.

You ask "

...but why isn't that enough?"

Because, it's simply the biggest, most all-encompassing, 'loving-est', deepest and personally meaningful relationship you've ever had to date, is my guess (and my own answer)...and you've also lost the many roles you played in Kitty Grey's life with you. So why wouldn't it hurt so much? Why wouldn't this earthly loss be "scary"?! Why wouldn't it give rise to questioning absolutely everything that was ever truly important to you, and for you to know? Even if I don't pretend to have all the 'good enough' answers, answers that you hope would take the edge off your pain, the rest of it is a no-brainer to me. It's obvious. It's vitally important. It's a major and huge loss to you, for your OWN reasons, and no other reasons even matter. What you've shared about Kitty Grey's and your life together is so touching, beautiful and glorious. It speaks to the utter, almost unfathomable depth of your relationship, the meaning of which isn't lost on me, as it's much the same as mine with my kids. What do parents who've lost their human children so often say?...that their child was the single most important person in the world to them, even often above their spouse. THEY know what such a deep connection it can be. And most people who have human kids aren't shocked to hear such sentiments. So why should our reaction be, or be considered, any differently?

You might try, when you're ready, reading some "loss of child" grief books, to see how closely your grief, your thoughts and your feelings compare to human parents', despite some of the practical differences. And even then, you can pretend that KG was a "challenged" child who had to stay living at home under your care, unable to fend for herself in the world at large. It's a close enough comparison. It might help you to see you're not 'crazy' in your reactions, even if your child just happened to be furrier. And the fact that you, like many others, are willing and able to transcend limiting societal expectations and extend your love to someone of another species reflects a GOOD thing, something you could be proud of. That means you're a more open, less rigid, closed-off & unthinking person...one who is capable of helping our species to evolve into higher and more spiritual realms. That's nothing to sneeze at! And it's certainly nothing anyone should ever make light of, including the griever herself. Do people as a rule not glorify others battling against societal norms by showing love to those who might be, say, challenged, disfigured or otherwise different? YES. Yet when it comes to having a deep relationship with another species, these same glorified attributes of the heart aren't usually given the same, equal weight, and in fact are most often disregarded if not openly vilified. Let the depth of your relationship and therefore your grief count for something higher. Be discerning, think deeply (and beyond) even in your sorrow and KNOW that your feelings are not only valid but of great import to much larger principles and human growth.

I could go on and on about how much we share in common, but suffice it to say that I 'get' it more than you may know, and if it helps you, I'd encourage you to keep sharing here (or in PMs to GH members). I hadn't been writing much here in quite awhile (I've had many more difficulties of late, and little time to write), but it was YOUR post that compelled me to write again because I can see so clearly just how you're suffering and the intensity of that suffering. So I wanted you to know that you're not alone in that. Been there, and am still there in many ways. The sheer intensity of it will likely subside in time (and with processing work) though, but at least for me, it's not like it will ever just magically or quickly disappear. I'm still at a loss as to finding as much meaning in my life as I once had, or how to keep existing at such an undesirable, difficult and empty level....like you, despite the good things that remain or even come up afresh. Nothing so far has even come close for me. Being my kids' Mom remains the largest, most meaningful and glorious 'job' and experience I've ever had in this lifetime, and I can't see what could ever begin to compare with that, and all the love that was part and parcel of it. I still say, after almost 2 years of this torture, I'd be a "happy woman" if I could go (to join my kids) today, but I'm just plugging on until such time transpires on its own.

Thank you for sharing, Debra, and I hope anything I've said might help you in some way, too. Once again, I'm so very sorry for and understanding of your great loss. You and your girl look so sweet together, so thanks for the pics of the two of you, too. You are both very special people.

Maylissa (with Nissa The Grrrrey...and her brother, Sabin The Uuuubercat....plus a million MORE deserving nicknames!)

[Rameyw]

Debra & Maylissa,

It is now going on 3 years that I lost my girl, Maria. She, like your furkids, was so very special and different than any other horse I had ever owned in 30+ years. She and I had that "connection" that others can only dream about. I had honestly dreamed about her when I was a child and when she finally came to me 31 years later I just KNEW when that tiny foal was born that it was HER. I only got to have her in my life for 8 short years when a leg so badly broken it could not be fixed took her from me. I even consultated with THE top equine orthopedic surgeon in Florida to see if she could be helped. I would have done ANYTHING to be able to save her, I tell people that had her leg been fixable I would be $10,000+ in debt, headed to divorce court and living in her stall(and I would have done it too!).

Like I said it's going on 3 years this Sept. 21st @ 3:00 pm and no I'm not over it and I know I never will be. I've been told, "Grow up and get over it", "She was just a horse", etc.... Like you said those people have never really known the love of an animal and I honestly believe that they don't understand and I feel sorry for them.

I've even questioned God as to why did he send her to me and took her back so soon. I've screamed and cried and gone thru depression and self-medicated over her being gone. I've never known grief so strong.

There are days that I relive that whole dreadful day where I had to agree with Dr. Bill and let her go. Thank God I have my kitty-kid Girdi! I swear Maria came to her and told her that she was leaving and she now had to step in and take care of me because since that day Girdi changed, she is my constant companion and she does little things that actually remind me of Maria. YES! a cat doing things that remind me of a horse! She now gets the lavishing that Maria got. She knows when I'm having a bad Maria day and gives me extra special Girdi lovins!

I've got other horses but they are just that to me, horses which makes me sad that my passion is gone for the animals that have always been my life.

You talk about signs or dreams, I know that she and I meet up when I sleep, how do I know? I can smell her, feel her muscles and before she leaves she always gives me one of her "horsey hugs" (she puts her head over my shoulder and squeezes me) and she definatley sends me signs. This weekend she had been really on my mind and I was walking in the pasture and for some reason I made a little detour and within 2 steps I looked down and there was one of her shoes she had lost out in the pasture right there in my path!

Sometimes when I look out in the pasture I just want to yell out like I used to "Who's the most beautiful horse in the world?" and hear her just one more time whinny loudly back to me as if she were saying, "DUH! It's ME MARIA!"

I won't say you will ever feel "normal" but you will feel better as time goes on, I know I have my days and this weekend was one of them. There are songs that just set me off and I cry and cry. I was telling a friend the other day how I wonder if I'll be some old woman sitting in a home crying and telling everyone about my "daughter" that I lost and still crying years from now.

I'm sorry that I have rambled but you 2 really struck something in my heart and I just wanted you to know that there are others that feel the way you do and you ARE NOT CRAZY!

Below are pics of Maria at birth (I was with her when she took her first breath and her last) and of us at a horse show. And another of my Girdi. Also a pic of my bracelets that are made from Maria and her mother's tails and my memorial bracelet to Maria (they never come off!)

Hugs to you both,

Kelly

[attachmentid=309][attachmentid=310][attachmentid=311][attachmentid=312]

[Maylissa]

rameyw,

From my end, thank-you for all you said....the whole thing! (I never consider such 'conversation' "rambling") I couldn't be gladder that you wrote all that you did and can relate, easily, to all you speak of. I feel for your continuing pain, as well as feel pretty much the same myself, and wonder the same thing about where am I going to be and what am I going to be saying (to the AIR, though, I imagine, and not to the numerous insensitive types that abound ) when I'm old and grey....unless my kids have come back to me to relieve the pain and SHOW me more of the power of continuing life, as I hope to experience.

YES! a cat doing things that remind me of a horse!

So what's NOT to believe???! Form makes no difference to a being's essence and all they need is another willing soul to meld with for awhile in order to let us know they're still with us at the same time as they're in another realm. Frankly, I'd LOVE to be there with you when Girdi does Maria-like things, with you to explain them all in detail to me! What another lovely cross-species experience that would be to add to the books!

I KNOW I'm not crazy and neither are you, or any of us who've been so open and hence blessed to enter into these higher levels of communion with other species. In fact, like many others interested in the so-called 'mystical', holistic, animal and healing fields, I think we're among the sanest humans on the planet at this time, and will be among the leaders into the future of human evolution coming upon us so quickly now. Someday our extreme pain of today will serve one of the highest functions we've ever seen on this planet, and while I'd love to leave here right NOW, I'd also 'die' happier if I hung on and could later see at least some of the effects of such evolved thinking/feeling/reconnection in future.

For myself, we've just (finally) laid our cherished girl to rest...I just haven't dared write about it here. But I've been thrown back into 'refreshed' grief over her again, and can only feel a bit of comfort from the fact that I finally paid great tribute and honour to the massive Beingness that she was here in physical form, and still is in her new realm.

You might also be interested to know that, during part of my initial forays into the animal communication fields, I've utilized one of my teacher's main guides....who is an Andalusian stallion, and is now what this teacher considers to be an Ascended Equine Master, for lack of a better term. He's her main Guide in her work with animals. I myself had an immediate, powerful and unsolicited connection to him during one exercise, where his very real presence was validated by my teacher as being "just like him", down to details. He helps guide people in communicating with animals and although I'll never meet him in the physical, I certainly bonded with him and have come to love and respect his essence in very short order.

Your pics of your kids AND bracelet are wonderful! Such lovely Beings, both and a fabulous way to carry Maria with you! Wish I could do the same with my kids' fur, but it's too delicate for that. What's up with the 'cape' on Girdi? Is that for the cold, or a health condition?

It reminds me of the 'capes' Sabin used to like us to put on him (plastic grocery bags, with his head through the handles) so he could terrorize his sister and play "UBERcat" or "SUUUUPERSabin" (no, we didn't let him terrorize her for more than a couple of minutes at a time...and she really didn't mind much anyway), or use them to go out in the rain and not get wet.

I'm very glad you posted, as it was just what I needed right now to restore some of my very-battered faith in 'meeting' others of the same ilk, who also REALLY understand how hard and long-lived such grief can be. It doesn't fill the gaping chasm that the physical loss of my girl left me with, but it DOES help fill the sinkhole of ignorance I've been so unhappily subjected to since her transition, and that's something I've very grateful for. So while I'm of course so sorry that your pain lives on as it does, it also does wonders for me to listen to others who are like ME in that respect, too. May we both just BE as and who we just ARE and recognize the value of that for what it brings into this world.

Many (((((HUGS))))) back,

Maylissa

Edited July 28, 2008 by Maylissa

[Rameyw]

Maylissa,

Why can't others just let us BE? And understand this is who we ARE? I refuse to "get over it" I feel if I "get over it" than she really will be gone... She was/is the center of my universe.

I also changed when she left. She was a very opinionated girl who always let everyone know how she felt and I was the opposite, now I am the same, I pull no punches when someone makes me unhappy.

I have people ask me why I don't spend my days in the barn anymore and I tell them that the barn is now my own private hell. They just don't understand and then I explain it this way to them...how would they feel if they lost a child and everyday 7 days a week they were FORCED to sit in that child's classroom with all the other children and had to look at their child's empty seat? Then they seem to get it. I HAD to go the very next morning after Maria left and take care of all the other horses and none of them could feel my saddness the way Maria could and I became angry at all of them. Also because they were still "here" and she wasn't and I still find that so hard to understand. Don't get me wrong the ones that I still have I love but it's not an unconditional love that I have for her.

How can I explain what it is that Girdi does that is so Maria-like? I guess alot is attitude that isn't "cattish" or an undeserving nip from her oh so like Maria would do The "cape" Girdi is wearing is a just a little dress I bought for her. She loves to wear bandanas and has a spiked collar. She especially likes to wear her bandana when we have company, so much so that she goes and stands and stares at the door that they are hung on until I get one for her to wear! I guess that is something Maria-like that she does, Maria LOVED to get all "prettied-up" to go to horse shows! The more people looking at her the happier she was, Girdi LOVES it when we have get togethers and lots of people are looking at her and talking about her. The other cats are hiding and she is "mingling".

You are an animal communicator? I DO find that extremley interesting! I felt I could communicate with Maria, she could "tell" me that she wasn't feeling right or something was going on with her, except for the morning she broke her leg(??). The other horses I sometimes get a very small quick glimpse of what they are telling me, and whatever it was is gone before I know what it was, but I think that my grief over powers them.

I used to wonder what people meant by feeling empty...I now know what they mean...But I choose to not let that part be filled. Do you have days that you are just so unbelievably sad? And you try to remember what it is like to be happy? I have days that I find it hard to believe that she was ever really here with me and then I find it hard to believe she is really gone. I have days where I can talk about her and smile and even laugh at her antics and then other days I can't even say her name without choking up. When I do that some people want to get up and leave instead of letting me talk and sometimes cry about her, do they not want to let their own feelings for "just a horse" or any other animal get to them?

The bracelets do help me to keep Maria with me. I have not taken any of them off for over 2 1/2 years...I was told that when I shower or wash up to make sure I take them off as the soap would harm them. Well they NEVER come off and matter of fact I pinched the closures shut so they could not ever come off! And they are still in perfect shape! I have perfect strangers come up to me and ask about the leather one, they ask if it is my child and I tell them that it is my horse but she was my child and explain the other 2 to them. Some are truly interested and others just give me that "look"

It is so nice to know that we are not alone in how we feel when we do feel so all alone in such fast holding grief.

I would like you to look at my webpage that has her memorial on it that I wrote>>> This Is Kelly

Take Care and many thanks,

Hugs

Kelly

here are some other pics of Girdi:

[attachmentid=313][attachmentid=314]

[LadyDebra]

Kelly & Maylissa,

What a strange coincidence to find both posts today, as it's 2 months ago at 7:22 sunset, that my baby, Kitty Grey left me. I've been feeling so lost, sad, & hopeless today, that even a grief chat didn't help much. I actually crawled into bed with Kitty Grey's picture, the locket of her fur, and sobbed myself to sleep. I woke up, and saw the computer was still on, and decided to read e mails, and saw the message about your replies.

I agree with everything you said, and Maylissa, I've been meaning to write you ever since you wrote me such a moving, compassionate, and intelligent letter dealing with the intense bonds we forged with our kids. Your words were so like mine, that I felt we were connected in some way. You saw the love I had with Kitty Grey and your letter made is so valid, so special, and so respected in a way that no one, even my family had done. Thank you for your compliments on her pictures too.

You asked, "So, can you simply ask yourself if it's okay to just BE an unhappy, grieving person, at least for now?"

I took your advice and gave myself to feel this way, cry, talk about her, and stay away from people who don't understand. Thank you for saying that for it really freed me to be me, and not worry, judge or care what others thought. I, too, feel that I will never feel as happy, content, and fortunate as I did with Kitty Grey in my life. She'll always live in my heart and soul, but I'd gladly do as Kelly said, do "ANYTHING to be able to save her". I, like you, have questioned God, railed at the universe, taken medications ( which are not helping me at all), and also have "never known grief so strong."

Today was unbearable, as are may days. I seek solace in sleep, but still have awful nightmares. Then, lately, my other reason for not replying sooner, was that my other 2 cats, Whiskers and Little One II, have had serious health problems. I had to rush Little One II in for a near blockage that came out of no where, and Whisker's labs came back with very low anemia, which is unusual in a cat with "moderate" kidney values. I'm baffled, confused by the vets and am so tired of researching, trying new treatments, and going to different vets. Today, I truly hoped that I could I leave the earth, for I see nothing, not one thing to look forward to in the future, except more sadness, grief and loss of my cats and my parents. I don't think I can take it, and if Whisker's time is very limited, I don't know how to cope with another agonizing loss right now, not that I can every handle it very well, but being only 2 months since I lost Kitty Grey, I feel so raw and vulnerable.

I want to write more back to both of you, but I have a killer migraine from crying. I'm still not sleeping or eating normally. My routine is so messed up, I can't tell day from night. I have to pull myself together mentally and physically for the sake of Whisk & LOII. They need me, and even though we don't share the same bond as I did with Miss Grey, I'm all they have to help them through their health battles. I know that CRF will take Whiskers, and I hate that roller coaster of fluids, meds, trying foods and supplements, but I have no choice. I expect the health issues with Whiskers, being 16, blind, high BP, anemia, IBS and CRF. However, Little One's serious problem this weekend really set me off into a blind panic. I kept hoping and praying I wouldn't lose her. I stressed out the entire time she was at the vets.

It brought up every emotion, doubt, fear and thoughts that Kitty Grey's passing caused me. I've never felt anything like it and know I never will, which makes it all the more heartbreaking and the future more difficult to imagine living through. I love all the pics, and promise to write more later. Would you two consider keeping in touch now and then if you can, since we all share the same experience? I have no one to talk to, and I'd love to know more about you and your kids.

Thank you again for posting on the day when I needed to hear something from someone who understood what this day and this loss of my baby meant to me. Please forgive typos or crazy words, since my head is about to burst. Take care.

{{hugs}}} to you both,

Deb, Little One II & Whiskers & angels, Kitty Grey and golden boy, Gizmo, who have flown up ahead of me to be with the rest of my fur babies

[Rameyw]

Debra,

So glad that you found our posts today. I know exactly how you feel:

"I've been feeling so lost, sad, & hopeless today, that even a grief chat didn't help much." I was the same way with the passing of My Maria. It seemed nothing and I mean NOTHING helped me deal with her being gone. I had found a site/forum for people that had lost horses and at the start all was good and supportive but on one particular bad day I had posted how bad I was feeling and all I got from the mediator was a polite "we understand your grief and saddness but it has been a few months and I think you need some professional grief counseling" in other words, "please stop being so depressive in our forum". WOW! Did that feel like a slap in the face! I quit posting after that because they made me feel like a "cry-baby" when all I wanted/needed was an outlet. I still have people ask about Maria and when I start to talk about her they will rudely cut me off. Maybe? I ramble? I don't think so.

But....I've had the same people come to me crying about the loss of one of their furkids and do you know what I do? I listento what they have to say because I know how it feels and don't have the heart to stop them even though they did stop me.

You say that you crawled into bed with your girl's picture (by the way she is BEAUTIFUL!) and lock of hair and sobbed yourself to sleep...I will still go and sit in Maria's stall and cry and cry and talk to her, I feel so very close to her in there. It took 2 years for me to clean out her stall, one of the reasons it took so long is that it hurt so bad to see the hole in the wall that she had kicked and we believe that is what caused the break.

You say that you ask Kitty-Grey to visit you in your dreams but only have odd nightmares (I've read that odd nightmares and dreams are actually our brains trying to heal)...what I do is ask God to allow Maria to come to me that I need her. And most times she comes that night. I have heard that sometimes when our grief is so new and raw that they don't visit, I know it took about 3 months for Maria to visit I can remember waking up that morning feeling happy for the first time and then I recalled what had happened...MY GIRL HAD COME TO ME!!

Try not to dwell on the other's health problems as it will only fill you with dread. I'm sure that they too are grieving her passing, lavish them with love and tell them how much you miss your girl. I know it's so very hard to do, I don't know if you feel angry that they are still here and she is not, but that is how I felt with the other horses, no, I'm not over that still. But I do try to give them individual loving and tell them that I love them.

My Girdi is the only animal I have allowed to consume my heart and soul. I can't say that she has filled that gapping, raw vastness in me but she possess a different part of me that is all hers. For the better part of the first year after Maria left Girdi never let me do things alone, she would be perched on the side of the tub as I showered and sometimes in there with me, in my bed on my pillow, in the laundry room IN THE BASKET, as I was cooking she was there, even to the pool she would go with me, she also took up going for rides in the truck with me and this is the oddest thing (I think) she will ride on my ATV with me! The dog tries to sit on me and digs her claws into me when she rides but when Girdi rides with me she sits in front of me checking out the scenery and has NEVER clawed me! My friend Pete says she is willing to do anything to be close to me and watch over me, and I believe him.

I don't know what I would do without her. I'll attach a pic of her and I on the ATV.

I would love to keep in contact with you! I will Private Message my email addy to you. Or you can go to my webpage and email me from there.

Take Care,

Hugs

Kelly

[attachmentid=315]

[srchriste]

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss of Kitty Grey. I can relate to the guilt you feel about not being as close to the other cats. I, too, bonded with my sweet boy, Boliver. I felt like he was my soul mate. It is so difficult to do even the smallest task around the house without thinking about how much I miss him... I can't even go into the bathroom without feeling lonely... yes, he used to follow me there, too. He did the adorable head butts for attention and nibbles on my ankles. He would get into bed in the morning and hit me gently with his paw until I woke up! It is just so hard for most people to understand how strong the bond is and that it is as great a loss as any loss. Just wanted to let you know that I understand and my heart goes out to you!

Susanne

[LadyDebra]

Hi Susanne,

I started to write you a short note, but of course, it ended being a long, long reply. I wanted you to know that it's 3:15 AM & I need to take some pain pills & try to get some sleep. Since Kitty Grey left me, I have trouble

sleeping, so I try to rest as much as I can. I'll be back online tomorrow, so I'll finish my "letter" then & send it out. But I needed to tell you now, that like the other wonderfully kind, compassionate ladies who

replied to me, happened to send a post on July 28, the 2 month date of Kitty Grey's passing. I needed to find that message so badly on that sad day.

I was about to post my long sad post yesterday, the 3 month date of my girl's passing, & I found your message! Is that ironic, or perhaps more mysterious? Either way, I had to let you know that it arrived when I needed it most. I had such a sad, tear filled day of emptiness, loneliness, regrets, guilt & pain so bad, that I didn't think I could handle it.

I'm afraid my 3 month post is pretty reflective of my sad, depressed mood, but it helps me to vent, cry, rant or rave on this site. It's because of kind souls like your's that keeps me going. I'll proof & send my post tomorrow. I hope it doesn't drive you away. I just hit the "strike through" icon & have no idea what that means, so I hope this comes out ok for you to read it.

Take care & thank you again for taking time out to write me a caring,

sympathetic note in honor of my Kitty Grey. It means a lot to me.

Deb

Lady Debra Lynn & the Sedona Cat Clan >^..^<

Little One II & Whiskers & angels, Kitty Grey & golden boy, Gizmo, who have flown up ahead of me

to my Kitty Grey..

Not flesh of my flesh

Nor bone of my bone,

But still miraculously my own.

Never forget for a single minute

You didn't grow

Under my heart-but in it"

~Fleur Conkling Heylinger

"I dropped a tear in the ocean. The day you find it is the day I will stop missing you."

~ Anonymous ~

[attachmentid=319][attachmentid=320][attachmentid=321][attachmentid=322][attachmentid=323]