I'm Here But Feel No Peace?

[Elizabeth A.]

I just am not sure where to begin. Being here has been drawing me like a magnet since I dreamed about my friend Jenn and her children a couple of weeks ago.

I just have questions, that don't have answers so I feel like I'm spinning around in circles.

Yet I wonder... If someone doesn't believe in heaven does that mean they wont be there? I'm finding the religion barrier nearly bad enough to call my local priest and ask.

And then today I was thinking about myself and how I've thrown myself into quilting over these past few months. It's a new found joy, but yet I wonder am I just marking time? Is it something I'm "using" do deal and cope with my grief and one day I will wake up and not do it anymore? Will the day come that I leave all my projects unfinished? That is a fear for me, I have been trying without much success not to have what we call ufo's (unfinished objects), but even as I leave a project just for a little I come back to it before to long...

It seems to help not to stay forever focused on doing just one thing.

The case on the murders of my friend has been closed but with it there has been more information released that leaves me with many more questions than ansers and again I find myself struggling with the visual images of what might have happened.

I have less peace now than before they closed the case. Where I thought perhaps I had forgiven their killer I find I have not. I am at a constant struggle with myself over it. Even though he too is dead it brings me no solice.

I have tried all my life to make and keep the peace. Never "hating" anyone, but now I have a bitter taste in my heart that stirs something very close to hate in me.

[dpodesta]

Elizabeth,

I don't believe in sugar coating anything. I am a Baptist and I know there will be other views on this subject after I post this. What I have learned and believe that to be in Heaven after death all a person has to do is admit that they are a sinner and that Jesus died on the cross for the forgivness of sin. Then that person asks Jesus in their heart. It is a simple and almost sounds child like. To me that would mean that if a person doesn't believe in Heaven then they haven't asked Jesus into their heart which in the end would mean they wouldn't be in Heaven.

The other part of your post, it is hard to forgive and not harbor resentment at time especially when it involves the death of someone we care about. It just takes time for the pain to heal.

[JoeA]

Elizabeth -

One of the Eucharistic prayers of the Roman Rite appeals to God, “...and all the dead whose faith is known to you alone.” Final judgment about the disposition of someone’s soul after death rightly belongs to God alone for God alone knows each human heart. The Church does not presume to pass judgment in matters of salvation or damnation.

- Joe

[Elizabeth A.]

Dear Joe,

I suppose that helps, at least a little.

dpodesta Perhaps it bothers me to not forgive because I know that having that hate also means I hang on to all that goes with it, and until I somehow I find a way to let that go all the pain and hurt will continue to cause me unhappiness.

[DesertBob]

I just have questions, that don't have answers so I feel like I'm spinning around in circles.

I have come to believe, Elizabeth, that anything which causes suffering (not pain, but suffering -- they are not the same thing) is giving you very clear information that it is something you need to let go of and eject from your life. There aren't many hard and fast rules in life but this, I've found, appears to be one of them: if I'm suffering because of X, invariably, regardless of the apparent cost or unthinkable-ness of it, getting rid of X is exactly the right thing to do.

(It's important of course to correctly identify X).

Yet I wonder... If someone doesn't believe in heaven does that mean they wont be there? I'm finding the religion barrier nearly bad enough to call my local priest and ask.

Do I understand correctly that you're concerned about your murdered friend's eternal destiny because they did not make a particular profession of faith?

If so, let me dispense with my opinions and ask a rhetorical question. Even if Derek is right and your friend is eternally separated from God now, is that not a matter between your friend and God? What can you do about it? Nothing. That train has already left the station. So agonizing about it is pointless. To agonize about it is to argue with God about how HIS system works, and that's a fool's errand. You will suffer the rest of your life with that ... unless you let go of it.

I've said it in this space before and I'll say it again. Letting go doesn't mean you approve, or like it. It just means that you are letting it be as it is. This is the basis of the "serenity prayer" that you probably know very well: you want to accept what you can't change, change what you can, and know the difference between the two. In the case of your friend's soul, there's nothing you can change now, whether the person's consciousness currently resides in heaven, hell, or Palm Beach.

The case on the murders of my friend has been closed but with it there has been more information released that leaves me with many more questions than answers and again I find myself struggling with the visual images of what might have happened.

To what purpose? Elizabeth, your thoughts and you are two different things. There is a surprising amount of power in observing a thought as it arises, and simply saying, "Huh. That's just a thought. It's not me. I don't identify with it. I don't choose it." Don't let your thoughts run you. Recognize them for what they are -- things that arise and go and that you can choose to identify with or not. Then have some standards about the thoughts you choose to entertain. There is no point in deliberately indulging these violent, dark thoughts and imagining what it was like. You absolutely need to let them go. You aren't helping your friend and you are hurting yourself.

I have less peace now than before they closed the case. Where I thought perhaps I had forgiven their killer I find I have not. I am at a constant struggle with myself over it. Even though he too is dead it brings me no solace.

So then you were mistaken to believe that the source of your suffering was lack of information or investigative closure. Deal with the real source of your suffering, which is letting your thoughts run you because you don't wish to accept that what happened, horrible though it was, happened.

I have tried all my life to make and keep the peace. Never "hating" anyone, but now I have a bitter taste in my heart that stirs something very close to hate in me.

What would you feel like without those thoughts? If you would feel better without them, then quit choosing them. I am not saying they will instantly vanish -- they have a life of their own by now because of habit and by reason of your over-abused limbic system getting stuck in a rut. But I promise you that if you quit being a victim to your thoughts and detach from them they will gradually leave you. Don't fight the thoughts ... that will strengthen them. Observe them clinically and let them go. "They are just thoughts ... they are not me".

Try it; you haven't got anything to lose. Get professional help if you need to, or take up a meditation practice or take a few days off to break the vicious circle, or whatever you need to do. Right now your thoughts are a roving gang of thugs beating you to a pulp because you're allowing it. Don't feed them.

Go ahead and enjoy your quilting on its own merits. If your heart tells you that it has become obsessive / compulsive or an excuse to escape from something you need to deal with then back off some and throw something else into the mix and don't neglect facing into the pain when you sense it's what you should be doing.

Facing the pain is fine. It hurts to lose someone you love. It hurts to lose your sense of safety and innocence and to feel violated and to see someone you love receive the ultimate violation. You have to work through the pain, but you do not have to suffer by insisting that what happened didn't, couldn't have, shouldn't have, wouldn't have. It happened. Things get better, not worse, when you allow that and admit that.

We don't always get all the answers. Sometimes we didn't do our best. Sometimes the person we lost didn't do THEIR best. Nearly always, we never did everything we wanted to do, said everything we had on our hearts and minds, did an adequate job of communicating our love, or spent nearly as much time with them as we wanted to. Almost always, life refuses to go as we wish it would or thought it would. Alas ... it is what it is.

It's okay not to try so hard, Elizabeth. It's not your job to make it right. Some things can never be made right. But you still have a life and a future. It isn't the life and future you planned on. It never is. You can still make the best of it.

I don't want to even risk facing my wife when I die and tell her that I whizzed away all the years after she died pining for her and the old days together such that I never had any joy again. She would think that was the crowning glory of all the dumb things I ever did, not to mention a complete disrespect for what her life and example was all about. And she'd be right. Linda always asked, no matter what the loss, "what now?" and then did it. At the end, at one level you could say her whole life was sh_t and not worth it, but to the end, she chose the thought, "I had a good life" and pointed to her many accomplishments ... not at how much harder than everyone else she had to work to achieve them, nor at all the things she lost along the way.

Even now, I still want to impress her by having a good life ... anyway.

Honor your friend by being happy and well,

--Bob

[WendyJ]

Bob,

Your post really touched me, you listed alot of interesting points and things to think about, thank you for your post, I really enjoyed reading it.

Love,

Wendy

[dpodesta]

Elizabeth,

You are exactly right, holding onto the resentment only harms you, not the other person. While you sit a stew the other person goes on their way living life. If it was a person that died then they died without the knowledge of your resentment and again it only is hurting you. However it is sometimes very difficult to stop the resentment and forgive.

Love always

Derek