Overthinking

[something]

My mother passed away 9 months ago. Since I'm still in college, I'm often meeting new people and asked questions about my family or where I'm from, stuff like that.

I'm sure this might seem stupid to some people, but I'm still having trouble adjusting to saying "My parents live in ____." to "My dad lives in ____." Has anyone else felt the same way? I don't know if it seems trivial, but it just doesn't feel right saying "parents".

Also, I sort of don't like discussing my mother's passing with strangers, since I consider it pretty personal to me, but I find when I just mention "my dad" this leads to questions about my mom's whereabouts. Sometimes I just say "parents" to avoid further questions about my mother.

I was just wondering if anyone has been through the same thing? Or how they deal with it?

Anyway, since then my father seems to have met someone new. I had mixed emotions at first but all in all I'm very happy for him. Sometimes it just feels like everyone has come to terms or is moving on, while I'm still stuck in the same place.

[leeann]

Something.. Welcome

I hear ya. I have now lost both parents and I still get tongue tied when questions from people I have just met come up.

"My parents live in heaven." doesn't seem quite right.

Nor does.."They died." (That would be a definite downer for a conversation starter.. no?)

So what does one say, especially when one is still grieving???

I guess whatever you/we are comfortable with at the moment.

I doubt it is critically important whether you say "Parents" or "Dad". Technically... your Dad is still your parent... so it could be correct either way. Really though... I don't think it matters.

My point is.. I wouldn't sweat this too much.

When first meeting someone.. don't give much detail until or if you get to know them better and they get to know you better. You could simply say "My family is from.." If a relationship develops from one of these meetings... you can always give them more details later when you are comfortable with that.

There are no "Grief Police" to catch you if you do something "wrong". You can't do anything wrong. This is your grief and you are doing it your own way. There are enough challenges in front of you right now.. I wouldn't make this another.

Judging yourself as being in the same place grief-wise.... probably isn't a good idea. Nor do I think it is true. You aren't. That isn't possible. You are moving on in your own way.

If you are thinking I am still in much pain over this loss... I think that is completely "normal". I would try exceptionally hard to just accept you as you are and where you are along your grief journey. Don't worry. I know I get myself in trouble every time I judge my grief. I have to try hard to just accept wherever I am at along the way.

I have also learned that what I can see from others and what is actually going on within them and their grief are sometimes two waaay different things. So attempting to compare myself with others is fruitless and very unproductive.

My grief.. even for the same person lost, is never going to be the same as anyone elses'. And that is simply because every relationship.. even with the same person.. is different. My sis's grief is very different from mine.. yet we lost the same people. You see what I mean? I try really hard NOT to compare my grief with anyone else's.

So maybe just switching to saying "my family" instead of "parents or "Dad", until you feel more comfortable with a new person, is the way to go.

And please.. try to cut yourself some slack! You have gone through quite a bit in a short time and are still in school. Plus it hasn't been all that long since your beloved Mom's passing.

This is no easy thing hon!

Give yourself a pat on the back. Pamper thyself a bit.

I think you are doing great.. but.. it doesn't really matter what I think. What YOU think is the most important. But .. if I were you.... I'd think I was doing pretty d*** good!

((((Hugs))))

leeann

[something]

Leeann

Thank you so so much for sharing your thoughts and advice, it's really comforting to know I'm not alone with the feelings I've been having.

I didn't even think of using "my family" haha, I guess since I don't have any siblings and it's just my dad over there it didn't occur to me, but it's a great suggestion and I will definitely be using it in the future, thanks!

Also you are so right about judging and comparing grief, I guess I've been looking at other people's grief depending on their actions, when in reality their emotions and thoughts are so much more complex than that. I'll be keeping your advice in mind. Thanks again, you've helped me a lot and I can't really put it into words but I appreciate it so much. Take care

[shauna marie]

It doesn't sound stupid, something.

I can understand what you mean. I remember thinking after I lost my dad that now I could only talk about my mom--not my dad. It was hurtful and sad at the same time.

I used to work at the pharmacy and almost every single student there seemed to want to know where my parents were. I hated saying anything though. Then I got the, "I'm sorry"'s...and they were the worst. I never went to work to dump my problems or anything so I tried to keep quiet as much as possible. I also find I downplayed what happened a lot, too. More or less explained that they had been ill and it was ok.

Take care.

[AnnC]

My dad passed a year and a half ago, and I still find it hard to say "my mother's house" instead of "my parents' house" when I go to visit her.

I don't hesitate to say that my dad passed away when the subject of parents comes up, but then I am at the age when most people are dealing with elderly parents and their passing -- my dad was 78, and my mom is now 80. It's hard too because seeing my mother alone is painful, and she's scared of living alone -- she lived with her parents, and then was married to my dad for 56 years. My brother, who is divorced, lives with her now and helps her with stuff, but he won't live there forever.

Yes, no matter at what age, the adjustment is hard, and I still cry when I see the photo I have of them together.

Ann