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Why Her And Not Me?

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Why Her?

A child is not supposed to die before her parents do - but she did.

A wife is not supposed to die before her older husband - but she did.

A basically good person should outlive her complaining spouse - but she didn't.

After 40+ months I should be able to move forward and smile once in a while - but I can't.

I should cherish the good memories of over 40 years of marriage - and I do!

I should be thankful that her suffering is over - and I am glad for that mercy!

I know there is no good answer to the question of Why Her and not Me.

But - why couldn't we go together? We did most things together for much of our marriage.

A former co-worker just celebrated his 77th birthday and was telling me that he will be happily married for 56 years next month. That's great for him and her - they deserve it.

Perhaps I didn't deserve such a long marriage, but Jean did deserve a much longer life on this earth.

So as long as I live on here, while she does not, I will continue to ask -

Why Her?

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Guest Vickie O'Neil

HI Walt,

My Dad died at age 53...the same age I am now. My brother died at 29 when I was 32. I'm like you, I have Questions for God when I get there! WHY?? Why was it necessary to take them...Why not me? Why did you take my husband...God, why not Me?

I know I'm a lesser person then they were, ..in so very many ways. I have read the Bible, & books about reincarnation...grief books, but it doesn't make sense, still.

No answers, Walt, I have only questions..too. You sound angry, I often feel the same way..angry at God & the life alone. Think some days, its the only thing that keeps me going.

God Bless, Walt,


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Here's a possible answer to the "why?" question.

There's a theory that says we stay in this world only for as long as it takes for us to complete the earthly mission God has given us - not a minute more or less. The theory says that no matter what age we are when we complete our mission (2, 22, or 92), that's when we die.

I don't know how valid this theory is. But it helps to ease the pain of losing someone to know that our loved one's life purpose was fulfilled, even though we feel they departed too soon.

The theory also has helped me deal with that unanswerable question, "Why is he gone and I'm still here? Why couldn't we have gone together?" It suggests that God still has things for me to accomplish before my time comes - all I have to do is figure out or wait to be shown what He wants me to do.

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Hi Walt, My three year mark is coming much too quickly and I'm still asking the same questions. Interesting that you posted this today...I spoke to a counselor on the phone today, one I was thinking of starting to get some help from regarding the grief. I was saying to her that I don't know if I will ever come to a place that I feel I can feel comfortable with life again because I still don't have answers to some questions. She said "you may never know the answer" and you have to decide to go on. I guess thats true for some people, but I know it won't work for me. I don't know how long it will take but I do know I'm not ready or have any desire to have a life without him. Deborah

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Walt, I've asked similar questions and I guess there is no answer.

My dad figured to die before my mother. She ate healthy meals and took care of herself. He stressed and worried over things. He outlived her by 10 years.

My wife's maternal grandparents lived to be 95. She had 2 great uncles who lived past 100. Her parents lived into their 80s. On the other hand, my three older brothers died young, one at age 31 and the others in their late 50s. So what happens? My wife dies at age 59 and I'm still here.

I can think of no reason that justifies her death. So apparently there is no reason why - just randomness, I guess.

On the brighter side, I consider myself to be the luckiest man in the world because of the random events that brought Janet and me together, and that I was the one she chose to be her husband and sweetheart.

Take care, Walt.


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