I Lost Almost Everybody

[Elaine]

Hi everybody. I'm new here and I'll give you my story, briefly, if I may. I am 42 years old, divorced 2 years ago, after a 19 year marriage. In doing so, my entire family, with the exception of my now 15 year old daughter, disowned me. My X had a large part to do with dismantling my life, including my now 18 year old son, who cusses me out every time I try to have contact with him. I have lost my mother, sister (and her family), brother, stepmother (whom I loved dearly), along with numerous friends. My father is the only family member who will speak to me, but we usually end up in fights, with him saying the nastiest things to me, in defense of my x husband. I got to the point where I quit my job and moved 1,000 miles away with my daugter and boyfriend, just to escape the humiliation. I've been away for a year and a half and I continually try to contact my mom and sister. They either won't answer, or pick up the phone and say "don't ever call here again". This has caused me so much pain, I can't function. I am, in a sense, mourning the loss of my whole family. I fall asleep thinking about it and it's the first thing on my mind when I wake up in the morning. My friends tell me to get on with my life and focus on the good things. How do I just forget about my family? How long does this grieving process take? Nobody seems to understand how much it hurts to not have contact with the people I have loved all my life. Any advice??

[kath]

Elaine,

I keep coming back to your post. I wish there was something that I could say to help. I don't understand how anyone can be treated so badly. I'm glad you have your daughter in your life. I pray you will find new friends as well in your new town. We've often joked with my brother that if he ever left his wife, we would divorce him and keep her because we love her so much. It seems like that is what happened to you. Are there any groups in your area you could attend? I know that has helped a lot of people.

[Elaine]

Kath,

Thank you for your understanding. The funny thing, when you tell me how you used to joke like that with your brother, my x used to be the one who didn't want to go to family and friend's homes. I was the socializer and the "party thrower", doing all the work! I got along with everybody and had a great time with them. Now my x ended up with 98% of the people from my life because he was more able to go out and campaign against me. I was weak and not in the frame of mind to defend myself. Ending a 19 year marriage, with 2 kids was the hardest thing I ever did. The last thing I had on my mind was running about the town trying to turn everybody against my soon to be x.

I am fortunate to have my daughter and boyfriend. I have also made a very good friend since I've moved. I don't know about the group thing. I live in a large area now and I don't feel comfortable going to something like that.

I, like many in this group, will have to take a long time to heal. I just had no idea how much it would hurt for years and years. Thanks!

[allalone]

Hi Elaine,

I'm sorry to hear that things ended up the way they have. I think one thing you may want to remember is that what goes around comes around. Sooner or later, your ex will get what is coming to him. Your son, family and others will come around and some may take longer than others. Likely they are mad because you have moved away and you're not there for them to kick around and do the things you used to for your family. You likely did something unpredicable for them so you're not still in that little box that they pigeon-holed you into.

I think with your father and your son, it would be a nice thing to write them a letter saying nothing about your ex or the situation you left, but rather be very positive and say that you miss them and hope that one day things will be better to a point where they will accept you back into their lives with love and happiness. What can they say to you saying that you and your daughter and partner are doing well and that all you miss them. The worst that can happen is that they return the letter. It sounds like things tend to be volitile when there is a conversation, perhaps a different mode of expression is needed to start the healing?

I hope something good will happen for you.