Lost My Mommy

[CaseyLane]

Honestly, the last several years have been a blur for me. I can't remember the exact dates of some of these events, so bear with me. My parents seperated several years ago and their divorce was finalized at the beginning of 2004. I believe during my parents' seperation is when my mom first was diagnosed with breast cancer. Although extremely upset at first, she handled her situation with courage and grace. She had a double mastectomy and was treated with chemo and went into remission. Her follow up scans and tests were clean for a while, but some time after her first round with cancer it came back as metastatic breast cancer. I believe she had tumors on her lungs, liver, and other places. She underwent chemo again, and again the cancer went into remission.

Around Thanksgiving last year, my mom and I had a disagreement and weren't talking. But she called me up the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asked me to take her to the ER because she'd been feeling sick with headaches and nausea lately. I rushed over and took her to the hospital, where she was checked out and told she had tumors in her brain. (I learned that her breast cancer was very aggressive and was likely to eventually turn into brain cancer.) I was devastated that day. I was so sick of her getting sick. I just couldn't believe it.

I was attending ASU for my first year of college, but I left during the second semester to go home to take care of Mom, because no one else really could. I was able to handle it for a while, taking care of her and keeping her company. She went through radiation this time for the tumors and when she had follow up exams, she had even more tumors of larger size than she did before the radiation. At that point, Mom's treatment plan was changed to palative care. She was in and out of hospice facilities, in and out of hospitals, we had several social workers and nurses at the house all the time. As time progressed things got harder for me, as they did for Mom. She was becoming more and more forgetful and confused, she had more and more pain, and I just wasn't qualified or emotionally strong enough anymore to take care of her.

Mom spent her remaining time in a live-in hospice home in a city about an hour away from me. I hated not having her home with me but I knew she was in good hands. I visited her often and we called each other a lot. One particular week, my uncle called me and told me that Mom couldn't get out of bed anymore (which I knew was a bad sign because before she'd at least been able to move around in a wheel chair). The next day she slept all day, as she did the next day. We think she developed pneumonia, because as she slept her breathing was irregular and she had congestion she was unable to get out. She finally passed on September 1 at 48 years of age. I couldn't believe that my best friend was finally gone. Since then, I've been pushing myself to move on but I know I need to deal with her passing before I can do anything else. I just don't exactly know what to do or who to talk to, but I think I'd benefit from talking to people who've gone through what I have. Thanks for reading.

Casey

[leeann]

Oh (((((Casey))))) I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mom.

I get the confusion on dates and times and when things happened... I have that so often. I keep my personal calendars from year to year so I can get a grip on what happened when sometimes. Much of the trauma times everything is such a blur for me too. So it's nice to be able to put things into perspective with those old calendars when I need to.

But early on I didn't so much need the perspective of dates. In the beginning.. breathing hurt. And you are there right now I bet.

It's so raw a feeling in the early days. And I think you are very astute... you are right.. you do indeed need to process your loss of Mom before you can really move on. And for me it takes loads of time and thinking.. shedding of tears that I had to put on hold in the moment... remembering the terrible times... feeling the emotions.. and most importantly... expressing them. I'm not there yet.. but I'm getting there.

And I tell you truly.. I don't think I would have done as well if it hadn't been for this community.

So Welcome.. I'm so sorry you must join us.. but I'm glad you are here. So post away and I found I learned alot by reading others' posts too.

((((hugs))))

leeann

[allalone]

Hi Casey,

I'd like to reach out and hug you just like leeann has. Reading through what your mom went through was no doubt the hardest thing you ever had to or ever will have to experience. I think its more than ok to take all the time you need and definitely do go through the grieving process at your pace.

My mother passed July 2007 of cancer and in the first few days I was numb. I didn't want to go to the funeral and in fact my mom did not want us to cry so at the funeral I did not. But I've done loads and loads of crying since. I'm still grieving.

It sounds like you are in your late teens or early 20s and I hope that your dad or grandparents are also trying to help you through some of this. If you're unable to talk to any of them about things from time to time it is worth going to counselling. Many colleges do offer free student counselling and even though your stress is in relation to grieving, it does impact your school and maybe they can help you to cope. You are incredible because I could not go to school and grieve at the same time.

I hope that somehow we can all help you. I know how alone you must feel as my mom was my best friend too and I feel quite desolate with her no longer here. But there is hope. I have slowly been getting better and things are bearable and they will be for you too. Right now it is important for you to have the tears, to just go through the motions as this does help keep you from a profound depression and it will bring you back to where things are no longer heartbreaking every moment of every day - and so you can live again. I had many ups and downs in the first year - and it's hard to believe it's over a year since my mom passed. The raw yet numb stage I felt lasted for a few months at least.

(((HUGS)))

[Nicole]

I know exactly how you're feeling. My mother died almost three months ago...she had a very similar situation. She had breast cancer, went through chemo, radiation, and a double mastectomy. After that it came back, metastasized to her liver, bones, lymphnodes, spleen, and lungs. I think I would really enjoy talking to you. It might do us both some good. If you want to you can email me at Strummer.girl@gmail.com