Arguing With Mom And Brother

[Midnight]

My dad passed away Feb. 21 after living a great long life.

My mom and brother have decided to keep dad's ashes in their kitchen with all the dishes.

They will not allow me to have them to give dad a decent burial.

I am struggling with this.

Dad was a member of his community and I believe he should have a burial plot in the cemetary so that people know that he lived that he existed.

Or even take the ashes and spread them somewhere.

It angers me and it hurts me over what they are doing.

The last time I was home my brother put the ashes in my hand and said here do you want to hold dad. I started crying and I left. I don't understand how some people can be so cruel.

My therapist said to get a marker with his name on it and put it in the cemetary but still his ashes won't be there. I am going to find someone who does the stepping stones - and put his name and date on it - and put it in my garden.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting a proper burial for my dad. People have told me not to let it bother me, but it does.

Edited November 20, 2008 by Midnight

[leeann]

Hmm I don't think you are being unreasonable. You're feelings are you're feelings... not right nor wrong. They just are....

But I would approach your Mom maybe and ask her why she doesn't want to bury his remains. Maybe she needs them nearer to her at this time.. I don't know. But you could ask her why and maybe that will help you understand this more. Or perhaps she and your Dad had a talk about this and maybe he didn't want to be buried, or he didn't really care whether or not he was or they had planned to be scattered somewhere together when she passes. But by asking her you may get the information you need to understand their reluctance.

As for your brother.. Is there any way he was maybe trying to make a joke? Maybe he was attemtping to ease his own pain and feelings with humor. Or perhaps he feels it is just as awkward as you feel it is but is going along with Mom at the moment.

You could, if you haven't done so already, ask your Mom what she prefers when the time comes for her. Ask her if she would want to be buried or if she would like you and your brother to scatter them someplace together.. or whatever. I know it isn't a usual topic of conversation.. but I think it is still a necessary one.

I think the idea of a Garden Stone for you to put in your yard is a beautiful one! Just to have designated spot that you can use to remember him especially is great. That could fill your desire to have a "place" for him quite nicely.

And I do understand the need for a place to go to.

Yet to be honest I never understood the need some of my Aunts and Uncles had to go to the cemetary every Sunday after church. My Dad didn't really understand it either. He would tell us... "It's important to them for some reason. But I believe they aren't there anymore." And as I got older I understood what he meant.

And now I know for myself.. they aren't there in the ground.. only what they used to walk around this earth in is there. Just the vessel. They are within me via our love for each other.... for ever.

If I want to honor them.. or visit their graves.. it is real clear in my mind that they aren't there really in the sense of being in the ground. They ARE there when I'm there.... because I'm there and they are always with me.

Does that make any sense?

((((Hugs))))

leeann