My Stalker Is Dead

[shauna marie]

I am not sure how much I ever talked about him. When I have more time, I'll tell you the whole nightmarish story.

I should also mention that I went home the weekend for one night and only one night (to my godfather's.) I got the bus home. The bus stops at a mini-mart. When the bus was pulling up to the store, I could see that there was someone sitting on the picnic table. I didn't bother taking note of who, was too excited about seeing my godfather. After my godfather arrive, I could see that the person sitting on the picnic table was him.

My godfather called me today to tell me that he died in a fire. It turns out it was smoke inhalation that killed him, the fire wasn't severe. It was caused by a cigarette that he had no put out properly.

I'm...relieved. I'm not glad he's dead--but I'm glad he can't do anything to me anymore.

I sadly feel like the way I did when my father died--relieved. I've had to watch the news just to hear another newsman report that he has died. I've been reading the newspaper, too. It has also confirmed that he died. I will recheck the paper tomorrow to see if there is an obituary, heck, I may even buy one to save it.

Like I said, I don't really want to get into it right now. I will say that he bothered me in the summer of 2007. I eventually ended up calling the police and was told that he was sorry and he'd leave me alone. He did, for almost a year. And then he started bothering me again. He also had a mental illness. He had went off his medication and went back to drinking--no-no's. About two weeks before I left, he did find himself in the hospital. He was living in a town that was about 20 mins from me, so I figured he'd never come back to where I lived. He did, but I had left before that. I think if I had found out he moved back and was still living there, I would have left that day. At that point, I was afraid.

Even since I've moved here I've seen five guys around town that look like him. Each time, my heart just stops and I almost start to panic. Then I remind myself that he didn't know where I lived, my utilities were not in my name, he would have no way of finding me.

This might sound sick, but I almost want to go to the wake to see that he is really dead. No, I have NO plans of doing so. I think (hope) you understand why I want to. My brother made one of the most idiotic statements earlier. He said, "at least he didn't physically hurt you." Well...he may not have physically hurt me, but he sure as heck managed to do a number to me. I trust no one anymore. Almost no one has my phone number, I just refuse to give it out. I think one of the worst parts of it all is that the one person who showed interest in me in the entire town turned out to be a complete mess. It's just really hurt my esteem. And it seemed that he had been more interested in the attention that I gave him rather than in me. And then to hear him using the same lines he used on me just makes me feel even less worthy. And people at the pharmacy, my godfather's pharmacy, thought we had been dating because of the attention he gave me. And no one warned me about him or warned me that he had been stalking me there until it was too late. That was hurtful to me, too.

But that was all...ok. I mean, it wasn't, but it was. Went to the police, he understood he was bothering me, he'd leave me alone, that was fine. And then he started bothering me this year and I had no idea where he was going with it.

Not sure why I'm bothering posting this. I can't go to sleep. It's all somehow starting to hit, everything that I've went through with him.

But yeah...at least he didn't hurt me physically. I know he was trying to be helpful, but just hate when people wrap things up in a neat box like that. Ok, I'd probably have said the same thing, too. lol

[leeann]

Well Shauna he's hopefully at peace so now you can be too.

I'm glad you got a visit with your godfather in and how are the Christmas Wedding plans coming for your sib?

leeann