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Loss Of Twin


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My twin brother died in July and it was a six week period of cancer raging through his body. Because of the loss of my Mother's first born when he was 3 before he and I were born and my Mother's reaction to it, my brother decided not to tell her about it and since she was living with me he didn't tell me either for fear I would tell her. My daughter, however, told me and I kept his wishes and didn't tell Mother because I thought it was wrong to do so but it was his disease and his choice. At last he told me to tell her after the begging from his family and on a Thursday I told her he had cancer. He died on Saturday and then I had to tell her that.

On top of all the predeath trauma, when I told my Mother that he had died she had no reaction and commented 'I can't cry. I must have cried all my tears out for Tim' (the 3 year old who died sixty years earlier). Then she said she was too weak to go to the funeral even though she stayed at home and went about outside as she could. A week later a neighbor who had lost an adult child came down to offer condolences. Mother only mentioned the baby she had lost and never once mentioned my brother who had just died. I was so angry I didn't know what to do. The relationship with my Mother has always been close but this situation just broke my heart. I need some (again) outside opinions who aren't related so that I can get some perspective on the situation. I won't even mention the horrible funeral my sister-in-law gave for my brother. That I will tackle in a whole other thread.

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Your mother may be in total shock and denial. She may be so overcome with her grief that her mind is not letting her process it. They say losing a child is the worse thing that can happen to a parent and since you say that it was sixty years earlier that your mom lost a child I am assuming she is at least 80.

I wish your brother had let you tell her earlier so she could have had time to process it. You may find that she falls apart a little later. Just be there to help catch her.

Take care of yourself too and try not to be too upset with mom.

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