Lost My Dad

[Midnight]

It's coming to the one year anniversary of my dad's death. He was 96 and yes he did live a good life but the hurt does not lessen. People think just because of his age I should not be grieving. Even my husband does not understand because his mom had a massage heart attack at the age of 52 and died.

People at work have not been so cordial, they say oh well he was old enough or well at that age it was bound to happen. Comments like that just make me ill.

And my family members are being jerks. See my dad was put on life support until the family arrived. Then no one wanted to sign for the life support to be taken off. The doctor said if we as a family are selfish and can't make the decision then he will.

So I took the initiaive and signed the papers. Dad was gone - his eyes and everything were opened but they were all glossy. The doctor said he was gone and his eyes were moving because of a reflex.

So now my family is saying that I killed dad, which hurts me so much. I dont have any contact with the family that is saying this. I know in my heart that I did the right thing and dad would have been proud of me for the only family member to allow him not to be in pain anymore. For the last 7 years, dad was practically bed ridden, had to be helped to the bathroom, had to be helped to eat. He would ask me all the time why am I still living - I dont want to live like this.

My family wanted to keep him on life support because they could not deal with his death, they wanted him around like a trophy on a mantle. They did not think that dad would not want to live like this.

So how do you deal with the anniversay. I know this past Christmas I could not even bring myself to go home to moms for christmas. It was not home withouth dad. I did try to get there but had a major panic attack so hubby said we are not going. So we turned around and spent christmas together. I have a shirt of dads that I keep and whenever I am really missing him, I take the shirt and hug it like I would hug my dad. I am thinking of getting his shirt made into a memory bear. So that I can hug it and make me feel better.

Every now and then I will get flooded with his death and will cry instantly. Its hard if it happens at work then I have to go into the bathroom and have a good cry. Then when people ask whats wrong I say I am just missing my dad. And they look at me like I am crazy. My boss said but why that happened so long ago. Some people just dont understand.

I am seeing my doc and he has put me on some meds to help me sleep and cope with his death. I am not the angry out of control person that I was one year ago. And I am seeing a therapist. When my dad died, his death brought back so many traumas that I had experienced. Like being molested by my brother at the age of 12, and I was in several abusive relationships, one where I was raped and had a abortion because of the rapes. And then I have to deal with dads death on top of these issues. I have been diagnosed with CPTSD - Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. My therapist wants me to take time off - go on a stress leave, but my boss and co-workers would just not understand. And besides, I am not wanting to tell them what I am going through. My husband does understand so why would they. I have not told my husband about being molested, or the rapes or the abortion. I just cant bring myself to do that. I feel it would change the way that he loves me and he would not look at me like the strong person that I put up in my facade. Its like I am living a double life. For my co-workers and hubby I have to put on the facade that nothing is wrong, that everything is ok and I am a happy go lucky person. Whereas the real truth is that I feel so dead inside and that something is missing in my life. I cant even have a decent sleep because I am having nightmares of the brutal relationships that I have been in. During the day I am having flashbacks and seeing people who had been part of the rapes. And what makes me ill is the one man, sees me in a coffee shop that my husband and I go to, and he say heys hows it going how are you. Like he is my friend. I want to rip out his f***** heart for being part of the brutalness that he inflicted on me. At least my ex died of a drug overdose, so now I dont have to be beaten up or dont have to look over my shoulder anymore.

Thanks for letting me vent, today is a bad day. I am feeling like I want to let my guard down and let everyone know that I am not this professional person in my office who has it all together. I am getting tired of feeling like I am two people. One for the world and my true self.

[DawnG]

First off, what a beautiful dog you have!! I bet he/she helps you when you're sad, I know mine do. Thank you for sharing your story, when my mom died, all the painfull memories came flooding back as well. I'm glad you're seeing a therapist and getting some help with medication, I'm seeing a therapist as well and it has helped me a great deal. During the 1st year I was a mess like you, never thought it would ever get better and as the anniversary came up I was having panick attacks, crying at work, moping around. The hardest thing to do is to stop focusing on the death but to focus on the life. I still find myself reverting back to my moms death, it wasn't pretty, seeing her weighing 75 pds nothing but skin and bones. My advice would be to take that day off, spend it with your husband if you can, remember the good times you had with him and it really does get better with time, it's only been a year and 8 months since my mom died but I'm doing so much better than I was 8 months ago.

I hope this helps.

Dawn

[Midnight]

Great idea about taking the day off.

I am going to plan a me day.

Get a massage get my hair cut and hilites (just made the appts now)

and then take hubby out for supper (so I dont have to cook).

I will feel better if I can get over the panic attacks and the hellish nightmares I am having.

I have whats called night tremors where I wake up in a burning house (this really happened my ex set the house on fire and left me to die) but I survived.

Without my understanding doc and my therapist and hubby and dog I would be in more of a emotional mess than I am.

take care and thanks for the reply

and this is my dog when she was a puppy - hubby got her for me on our first christmas. We had been going out for about 8 months and he said we needed a puppy to make us a family. What a sweetheart!

[DawnG]

she's adorable!! I have 2 dogs an akita and a basset/shepard mix, whenever they hear me sniffle they come running over and put their heads on my lap, they are so sweet.

It sounds like you'll have a packed day with lots of stuff to do, that will help.

Take Care

Dawn

These are my 2 dogs

[southern eagle]

Midnight,

When your family gets stuck on stupid and says that you killed your dad, understand that they are feeling guilty about themselves. Rise above them for the time and thank you for your kind words on my behalf.

Bless you and may the wind always be at your back.

Patti

[Midnight]

I want to get another dog but hubby says no.

He does not want to break Samantha's little heard by getting another dog.

She is now 8 and has gotten so used to getting all our love.

[Midnight]

Patti

I know my family is stupid have known this for years.

They wanted to keep dad alive for their own benefit.

Before I signed the papers, my demented mother and dad wanted to know if they could buy a life support system and take him home. And the doctor was just baffled. He told my them that he would not be getting fed and they asked if they could feed him by a feeding tube. It was then that I grabbed my brother by the collar and said take a good look at dad, he would not want this, please let him go.

They still fought me, but I signed the papers.

Dad is in heaven with a smile on his face because his "little princess" cared enough about him to let him rest in eternal peace. I take great comfort in knowing that.