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Feelings All Over The Place

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Sometimes I push it so far back in my mind that I forget its real and I know that's not healthy because its denial. But then there are other days when I get this strong gnawing in my stomach and chest that it is real. When I cry its bawling, tears that won't seem to stop, that kind of gasping cry. Last night I went to sleep okay for once and then woke up three hours later with a horribe stomach ache and couldnt go back to sleep for hours. The other day though I did the exact opposite, I slept ALL DAY. It made me feel awlful because I didn't get anything done I was supposed to do. Right now I dont have too many obligations, I'm not working and I took a withdraw from school. My boyfriend and I are going to move back home because I want to be closer to my dad. He wants me to get a job, I have an interview tomorrow but I am just afraid that if I get it I won't do well. It is a retail position and right now I just dont feel outgoing or peppy at all. I am pissed a lot of times too like I want to punch something. I am catholic and I believe in heaven and God but I am still having a hard time believing that now was the right time for her. I look at my Grandma who is in 91 years old and in perfect health and people tell her she looks like shes 70. And then my mom was only 57. It just isnt fair. But thats life, life isnt fair. Here is something I wrote, a stream of conciousness the other day....


This pain is beyond excruciating

Just as the bond was being re born He killed it

I know she is in a better place but I feel so crushed

Rage fills inside me that she is gone, at least in this world.

Selfishness overwhelms me for I want her at my wedding

A life taken for granted, I feel so alone inside, my insides ache for my mother.

And at the end of the day she is gone and I can’t even fathom it. It can’t carry on without her.

I can’t seem to carry on without her. She is gone and I feel so dead inside.

This pain is so unbearable and in the end I feel numb, I feel defeated. I feel cheated. I would give anything to see her one more time. Talk to her one more time, tell her I love her one more time. And now she’s only a butterfly and it hurts. Is she a spirit floating around in the sky, is she waiting to tell us goodnight, I don’t know what to believe because my faith is shattered. All the things that annoyed me I now miss. I crave for those moments again. I miss everything she brought to our family. Everyone says it will get easier. And I have no idea how. My heart is broken. Memories don’t suffice; not now. Nothing is easing this pain. I want our bond back.

The reference to the butterfly is significant because her and her sisters made this "deal" that when my mom passed away her symbol was a butterfly and that her younger sister(she passed away from colon cancer recently) was a cardinal and then her older sister who is the only one alive is a hummingbird. The other day I thought I saw a buttefly but to my dismay it was only a yellow moth. :( i know it's still so early on in the grief process, its only been a month, if even that. But my brother is living his life going to work and doing okay and my dad is going to work. My sister is going to work too but she and I have talked and she is having a hard time like me. I guess the difference is , is that they are older and more settled than me. My sister is married and has a full time job, graduated etc. My brother has a full time job that he likes, got his degree, masters..and I'm still trying to "figure it out" So that doesn't help matters. I was already dealing with major depression before this happened. Now its just everything crumbling into a big mess. My boyfriend and I of a year almost broke up the other night but we talked it out and we are staying together. Which I hope remains because he is my rock and keeps me strong through this. There's just so much wrong with me, I dont even know where to start. But that's a whole nother issue than the grief.

My mom made me a build a bear this christmas that has her voice recorded on it and I listen to it a lot but it makes me cry everytime I hear it. I try not to play it too much because I dont want to run the battery down. Does anyone have any suggestions of what I can do to feel better? I do journal and it helps but only for awhile. I bought some craft stuff the other day but I dont even feel like doing it cuz i have no energy. I try excercising by walking with my boyfriend in the park and it makes me feel discouraged because everything else is running and jogging and I cant walk without my legs burning. Well this is another long entry again so I guess I'm done, I just feel like this is never going to get better. And I dont want to let anyone down because my dad wants me to "get back in the game" and I feel like I can't just do it that easily.

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There isn't a thing wrong with you as far as I can tell. I have learned..feelings are feelings.. they aren't right or wrong... they just are.

And I feel best when I can express them. And I see you are doing that in a few different ways... your writing.. your posting here... crying etc. And that's all good.. even though it doesn't feel too good.

I have also learned it is REALLY important NOT to judge my grief... to just let it be whatever it is at any given moment. It's mine and it is fine the way it is.

And also it is JUST as important NOT to compare my grief with others' grief. It can never be the same as we are all different people and we all shared a different realtionship with the loved one who passed.

You may feel up to taking a run someday.. just because you don't feel up to that now .. doesn't mean there is something "wrong". It's just how you feel.... so please hon.. don't judge you negatively... I believe you are doing the very best you can and that HAS to be good enough... even for you. (((((Hugs))))

These are early days yet for you... try not to be so very hard on yourself. I know the world says.. "Get over it" but there really isn't any getting over it. There is only learning to live without that loved one physically here. And hey.. you are new at that.. cut yourself a break will ya? :)

We will always miss them... but the intensity of those feelings wanes over time. But the missing always will be. It is just right now.. it's real raw and fresh for you. It won't always feel like it does right now.

So try to be good to you.... ok? You are fine the way you are.

And no more comparing or judging your grief. It is supposed to hurt. Badly.

That only means you were loved well and you loved really well in return.


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