Out Of My Mind With Grief

[beckybodine]

I am out of my mind with grief and sadness. Kiley, my 12 year old lab mix, had a seizure at 5pm last Tuesday night. She was terrified afterwards and dazed. We called the vet who said to bring her in the next day, but if she had another, to bring her in right away. We had to leave the house for 20 minutes to buy my step-son a birthday present (his birthday was the next day) and when we got back it was obvious she had had another one while we were gone. My god, she must gave been so scared. How could I have left her alone? Within 10 minutes, she had a third one. We called the emergency vet and brought her in right away. I sat in the back of the van with her, holding her and in complete shock. The vet told us she waqs 90% sure it was a brain tumor that was growing. Our options were to put her on phenobarbitol to try to stop the seizures, or euthanasia. After some discussion we decided we couldn't take the chance of allowing her to go through another of those violent seziures. I can barely write this out. The vet brought us to a room and Kiley came in and immediately started another seizure, this time with gnashing of the teeth. I waited until the seizure was over to tell the vet to start the meds. I cradled her head and told her she was a very good girl while she died. I have not stopped crying for longer than 20 minutes for the last 5 days. I am devastated. I loved her so much that I do not beleive there are words in the english language strong enough to use. My baby, the light of my life, my soulmate, my helper, my confidant, is gone. I sit and shake for at least half the day and spend the rest crying. Did I make the right choice? I have begged her to come to me in my dreams to let me know she's ok but she hasn't come, but then I don't sleep anymore so maybe she just hasn't had the chance to. I want her back. I don't want to live the rest of my life without her. I cannot believe she's gone. I cannot let her go. I don't WANT to let her go! I am a shuddering wreck. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't stop NOT seeing her. I can't even look in the front yard because she was always there watching the kids play. I can't go into the garage because she liked to lie on the floor. I can't go in the backyard because that's where she had her first seizure. I am going completely insane with this sadness and emptiness. I am so sorry for all of the times I yelled at her or didn't take her on a walk or accidentally bumped into her and made her cry. She made my life complete and now I am destroyed. My husband must think I'm nuts. My children - I can't take care of them. I look at them and see right through them. People say it gets better but it still feels like it happend 5 minutes ago. I must have thought I'd go on with her forever, even though I know that's impossible, because I feel blindsided and really just betrayed by life.

[Rameyw]

Becky,

First of all let me say how sorry I am for your loss.

You did the right thing by your Kiley. Imagine how horrible you would have felt had you let her keep having those awful seizures. You were VERY brave and kind to have given her that relief.

I can relate to how you feel...My horse, Maria, broke her hock (her hind knee) so bad that it couldn't be fixed even by the best equine orthopedic surgeon in the state of Florida. When I asked what her odds were if I went ahead with the surgery it was only 10%... not good odds. So I had to drive home and call our vet. " My baby, the light of my life, my soulmate, my helper, my confidant, is gone." That is exactly how I felt/feel. My heart goes out to you. It's been 3 1/2 years and I still have days that feel like she just left. EVERYTHING you are feeling is so very normal with grief.

One reason that she may not have come to you yet is that your grief is still so raw...Sylvia Brown, the psychic, has said that. I know it took some time (I'm sorry I can't remember how long) before Maria came to me and she was so very happy and so very healthy. Kiley will come to you and let you know that she is just fine and not upset with you at all. You released her from a terrible hell she could not control and I'm sure that she didn't want you to witness it either.

You will one day be able to smile about your girl even though now you don't think you ever will, I thought the same thing but now I smile more about Maria than I cry about her.

You have come to a great place there are so many wonderful understanding people here that understand and have been through what you are going through. Plese know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Hugs to you,

Kelly