Love Is Love

[deborah ogren]

I was just sitting here with so many emotions today. The biggest emotion I'm feeling right now is how thankful that I had Deb in my life for over the last 25 years. Sometimes we don't know what we had until it is gone. Right now it is a little hard to control my emotions. The doctor said that it will eventualy come together. I had the experience of having a stroke before my parnter passed away. Everyday I just do the best I can, even tho I wish I was back to my old self.

On top of the stroke, then the death of Deb. Sometimes I wonder if things do come together. The most important thing that I learned was Love is Love. So when I start feeling down, I think of all the wonderful years that I had with her. And then things don't seem so bad for the time being.

I like others feel lost and empty inside, sad, lonely, angry, and all the different feeling we all go threw with a loss. One thing that I try is to remember that there is no way she wouldn't want me to be this way. My reply is to the best you can today, because this is what we have, tommrow isn't here yet. I tell myself this at least 100 times a day.

Greving is so hard, but we all know there is hope out there for us. I treasure each day I wake up, and face another day. I would like to say it is easy, but we all know this isn't the truth. One of my freinds drop off a roll of film, which I forget what was on in. He developed it, and of course it was of happy times, before she got cancer. So the emotions are right on the edge again. Maybe the pictures will make me laugh, cry or what ever. I'll just take a deep breath and remember Love is Love.

I've got a freind picking me up to get out of the house for alittle while. I need some me time for a while.

Deborah

[marsha]

Oh, yes, Deb, love is indeed love. I have to share with you, in the beginning, all I could think of was Joe's sickness, and his death - that's all I could remember. I had panic attacks, thinking, is this it? Why can't I remember the previous 23 years? One day, then, I looked at a couple of pictures - that was it, just a couple. Then, memories creeped in. I went forwards and backwards, going weeks, months, before I could do anything regarding his stuff, songs, pictures. It's such a slow process. At one point, though, I started remembering Joe as a person, all the silly, wonderful, what, are you an alien? memories - they flooded back, and I wrote them all down, in case I get senile, or something. Love, and pain, all together - but I'm glad I can remember Joe as the human being, loving, flawed, wonderful, crazy, that he was. I'm glad I can remember - but it still hurts. Hugs, Marsha

[Boo Mayhew]

Deb, the longer time goes by since I lost Cliff, the more I realize that just because he has died, it doesn't mean that our love died with him. I am still surrounded by that love.

xx

[Korina]

Deborah:

A Frank Sinatra quote from my Healing Meditations book sometimes helps me: essentially (I don't have it in front of me right now) it says to do whatever it takes to get you through the day.

And Marsha, I have had those bouts of "I can't remember the special things about Scott!" attacks. A couple have been: 1) Just after the funeral, Kailyn had made a big poop (in the middle of the service). In a flurry, as we were heading over to the cemetary, I plopped her down in the middle of the chapel and changed her right there. This had my mom say, "I can just hear that big laugh of Scott's right now, because his Poopy Pants pooped right in the middle of his funeral!" I couldn't remember/hear that laugh! I felt awful. Thankfully, a little while later, I remembered. 2) The evening before the memorial, one of Scott's best friends and I were talking, and he mentioned that somehow, we should acknowledge all the "Scottisms" - he had coined so many one-liners. I went then to put some into my tribute, and for a while, my mind was a complete blank. I too, have these fears that I cannot remember him properly, and we were together for 20 years!!!

Boo, that is beautiful.

Korina

[marsha]

Korina, please forgive me, but the mental picture of a Kailyn doing her thing just made me laugh. And I'm sure Scott was laughing, too! Your memories will come back; they're in your heart and head, not forgotten, so don't worry. Just take care of yourself, and your little one right now. Hugs, Marsha

[Korina]

Marsha:

In fact, the thought now of him laughing is as comforting as anything can be. I told the story in my tribute at this weekend's memorial, as one of Scott's special qualities was his sense of humor. Plus he was very proud of her poops...as only guys can be. It makes me smile (even if there are tears in my eyes).

I still draw blanks, as I want to write things about our relationship, our 20 years together, the good especially, but the bad as well, to a point. I will just trust that the time will come when I can do so.

Thanks!

Korina