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No Closure From Fathers Death

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I am sorry this is very long, I feel the need to get everything out in one post, and hope I’m not missing something. SORRY!

I met my dad when I was 22 in 2001. We chatted on the phone almost everyday for weeks. Then his girlfriend at the time called me about a month after I found him and told me I needed to come, he had had a heart attack and I should meet him before it was too late.

We surprised him; he had no idea what she had been up to. I spent 2 weeks with him, and it was like I always knew him. I found out why I was so stubborn and such a pain in the butt sometimes.

Through the next 3 years, my ex husband and I would travel there for visits. I met someone he thought of as a son, and we became “siblings”. After I got divorced, I didn’t get to go back there. He would send my son and I cards and he sent toys for birthdays and Christmas. Everything was cool; I had thought about making a drive there, I just never did.

A little over 2 years ago, I met an amazing man, a single parent like myself. I knew my dad was a little stuck “back in the day” so I asked him how he felt about me dating a black man, he said “I don’t believe in it, end of story”, nothing more was ever said, I felt that I was happy and that’s all the matters, until June of last year.

I got my diploma, I called him to tell him I graduated and I would be sending photos. I had an extra computer and asked him if he wanted it, I would come out there and show him how to use it to email me. He told me he had been to see his family, and he was in the airport trying to print his ticket and the lady who helped him, wasn’t much help. He didn’t actually call her a lady; he used the “N” word. I got a little upset and asked him not to use that word, he said a few more words, and I said I would send the photos and we hung up.

With the photos of me graduating, I sent him pictures of my son, and my new family. I wrote him a nice letter, explaining that my boyfriend was amazing, he goes fishing and drives a Ford, I was trying to appeal to my dad who was an avid fisherman and a Ford lover, and I told him he was the whitest black man ever, which is very true. I tried to come to my dad’s level of thinking. I told him he wore his pants around his waist, had a very good job, and even a second job, I told him he was educated, he spent time in the military, he cared for his family and treated me better then my ex husband.

He called when he received the letter. Said he’d have to live with it, still loved me. We chatted for a bit, and that was the last I heard from him.

May of this year, I got a phone call from his sister in law, telling me he had had an episode with his blood sugar, refused to go in the ambulance, and 2 days later they found him on the floor. He was brain dead and on machines.

I still had yet to meet anyone on his side of the family. He had 2 brothers, one he got along with and one he did not. They had gone to where my dad was to see him. It wasn’t good. I only spoke with “the good brothers” wife. She had told me my dad had said we had a falling out. I was a little upset, I thought things were fine. We talked a lot, about everything. I talked to my cousins, added them to my networking site, everything was pretty cool, I was getting to know the family I had never met. She had given me my “brothers” number, cause he was helping the uncles. They were going to move all his items out of his house and put them into storage, the landlord was crabbing about the rent and it wasn’t due for a week and a half. She started telling me about the stuff my uncle was finding in my dads house that they would send to me, like old coins, jars of state quarters, that actually had my sons name on the jar, other items of sentiment, and she said they would send it all should the worse happen, even the contents of his bank account.

The brothers would not speak to me; she said her husband did not want to make me cry. The uncles came home, the good uncle was going to go back, with his wife, and they were going to purchase a plane ticket for me to go over there with them, and pretty much say goodbye to my dad. I spoke with the hospital, since I was the only living child; I was the heir and the power of attorney, I was the one to make all the decisions.

One day a nurse called me. Said my dad was making improvements. She said her and another nurse went in to check on him. He was watching them move around the room, and they asked him to stick his tongue out for them, and he did, and when they clapped and said woohoo, he laughed at them! I was so happy! I called the sister in law, told her, everyone was happy. The next day, we talked about when I should leave and go over there to meet with them; we were going to leave the next week. That whole week was horrible. I started feeling like they didn’t want me there, I had no right to see my dad and “call the shots”. The bad brother was quoted as saying “I don’t know why your buying that B^%# a ticket, she doesn’t need to see him” and more was said about my other half. The day before she was going to buy my ticket, she called me again. Started saying my dads condition was declining, and they spoke to the hospital and it wasn’t looking good. I called the hospital, the nurse I had spoke to earlier said they had not called anyone and my dad was doing fine…. ???? I called her back, I wasn’t going to let on that I knew she was full of it. The conversation went back to the other uncle and the aunt fighting about who gets what and why I was even involved. I got upset, told her I’d call her back.

I talked it over with the old man. Decided since it was getting a little weird, that maybe I didn’t want to go, dad seemed fine, I would make a trip later, after they were gone. I called her back to let her know. We agreed they would contact me if anything changed and if anything needed to happen, we would all talk about it and agree… I guess I am naive.

They left; I never heard a word from anyone for days. I called the hospital, they asked me for a code, in order to speak to a nurse about my dad I needed a code, it was given to my uncle and he was supposed to give it to me. I said, well they won’t even answer their cell phone, so now what? She said that’s funny, he said he gave it to you. She transferred me to the case worker, I left a message, on a Friday. I got nothing till Monday when the sister in law called and left a message on my voicemail. She said I had no guts to come here, I didn’t care about my dad and I needed to leave people alone. Her son deleted me from the networking site, called me names on his sisters, so I deleted her, I thought I was saving her some time. 20 minutes later I had another voicemail, saying well we pulled the plug, he’s dead. I called, no one would speak to me. I screamed and cried like a child. I wrote the niece letters asking what the hell, no answers. Nothing. He died June 15th. No obituary, just a death notice.

A month later I wrote the sister in law a letter, I was very nice. I explained I’d hope that people would understand the grief process of someone who barely knew her father and the way things happened didn’t need to go the way they did. No answer

Last week, I wrote the niece, I told her about the letter. I told her I was having a hard time getting over it, and I needed to talk. All she could say was her mom is not going to respond to me. I then said that I wanted the items that were left for me, it wasn’t about how much they were worth, it was the sentiment, I have nothing of my fathers, she said they were still in storage, states away, and didn’t want to talk to me anymore. I found out that someone had left a comment on my dads death notice, it was my “brothers” wife. I found her on a networking site, I was very nice, I asked if it was them, I knew it was them, there’s no way there’s a couple with the same names that live in the small town. She said it wasn’t them….

How do I get over any of this?

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  • 2 weeks later...

I wish I could give you clear advice. It sounds like a very complicated situation. It sounds like your dad's family never accepted you and sometimes I think people behave like this over money. But I have no idea. He was your dad no matter what. No matter how anyone treats you they can't take that away. It sounds like they are jerking you around. Can you contact the sister in law. Just because its so complicated you may want to talk to someone. But you tried to be there, and perhaps talk to a lawyer. I wish you the best and hope to eventually hear things are better.

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