Survived The First Holiday . . .

[LindaKoz]

Well, my friends, it's the day after. I trust that we all did what we had to do to make it through the holiday. I spent time at the beach with my son. There was nothing traditional about our holiday. No turkey, no potatoes, no over-stuffed feeling. We walked on the beach. I wrote Brian's name and my message of love for him in the sand. The loss is still as great as it was yesterday and the day before but I am at least learning how to cope with the incredible sadness and pain that fill my entire being. Sometimese I still cannot believe that he is gone. Other times the acceptance of the loss threatens to overwhelm me. It's still better to focus on one day (or moment) at a time.

Today I plan to walk on the beach again and I am beginning to write my essay on Romans 26-39. I do take comfort in God's presence in my life and the knowledge that Brian is now experiencing God's entire promise--the promise of eternal life. There's hope because nothing can separate us from the love of God--and I believe this also means nothing can separate us from the love of those who have been called home before us. So, today, I focus on trying to feel Brian's love and presence in many ways. I will continue to look for signs--the birds, the butterflies, the rays of sunshine on a gloomy day--which assure me that he is with me and that all will indeed be well.

Tears will continue and I know they will come when I least expect them. I'm never going to get over this loss but I hope that slowly I will learn how to live again. For I do know that Brian wants me to live--not a life filled with eternal sadness but a full life filled with as much joy and happiness as I can handle. I'm going to try to take baby steps toward that pinacle.

I hope you are all doing as well as can be expected. We walk this road together and again, I wish to express my gratitude for all who have helped me face this loss.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda