LindaKoz

Oh, Kat, I understand. Last Friday when we had some snow I went out to clean off my car (Brian would have done it). I started getting a panic attack and ended up calling in sick. There are so many things that Brian used to do which I guess in hindsight I just took for granted. He knew things that I just don't know. And he was big and strong. Right now the light bulb on the pole light out front is burned out. I guess I'll get around to replacing it one day but I'm not sure how to take the covering off. The garbage disposal is broken. My son is home from college so he's been taking out the trash but when he goes back I'll cry every trash night because that was never my chore. This new life is so much harder than my old life and I feel so unmotivated. I hope I'll feel better once winter is over and there is sunshine. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Debbie, As always, my thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope all goes well for you tonight. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Babs, I'm currently a Seminary student. Planning to become either a Pastor or a Chaplain. I'll continue to follow God's lead. I have faith that there is an afterlife. It's God's promise to us and I believe God is a keeper of promises. I don't know what heaven is going to look or feel like but I believe we will be in God's presence and surrounded by peace and love always. What helped me after Brian passed away was exploring Romans 8:26-39. My professor directed me to this passage of hope. What I found is that even when we have no words to pray, the Holy Spirit sighs (or groans) and the heart-searching God knows exactly what we need to pray. And there is the promise that absolutely nothing can ever separate us from the love of God and Jesus Christ. I know that when Brian was dying I sat there not knowing what to say, do, think, or pray. I found comfort learning that God knew even though I had no words. I believe with all of my heart and soul that when I am called home by God Brian will be waiting for me and we will be reunited for eternity. But, until that day I have to choose life and I have to make this decision each and every day. It's hard to walk this grief journey but I know I am not alone. I am surrouned by God's love, I have family and friends to lean on, and I have everyone on this site. When we are willing to open ourselves to others, our burden becomes just a bit lighter. I'm holding you in my prayers and sending love your way. Remember that you are not alone. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

I, too, have learned the only way to navigate through this great loss is by relying on God and some really good friends. Although I know that my family members all love me and want to be supportive, I feel like they don't know what to do or say around me. I guess we're working through it but it take a lot of my energy. My very best friends are comfortable talking about Brian, sharing my tears, and holding my hand. This is a great comfort and blessings. I am also blessed by each of you. The knowledge that you understand and the fact that we can share open and honestly is a gift for which I am extremely thankful. I pray that we are all able to find moments of peace and to know that we are wrapped in the loving arms of God. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

I'm sending love and hugs to you all. Christmas was very difficult but somehow I made it through. I spent most of yesterday by myself which was actually much needed. I'm still working on a project for Seminary so I spent a lot of time creating Worship Services. It's somewhat comforting but also requires focus which comes and goes. I do want to thank you all for the continued love and support. The burden is lighter when shared with friends. You are all in my thoughts and prayers on this day and the days ahead. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Checking in as promised on this Christmas Eve. I'm sitting at home with my son -- could not find the strength to go to my friends' parties and church. It's been three months since I lost the love of my life. This Christmas Eve is so difficult. We should be getting everything ready for tomorrow morning's brunch (which won't be happening) and enjoying each other's company. I love him with all of my heart and I miss his presence. I keep praying for healing and for that spiritual connection. But, tonight I just feel lost. I continue to pray for each and everyone of you. We have held each other up through this ever-changing grief journey. Thanks, my friends, for all of the love and support. I hope we all find a way to navigate our way through the Christmas season. Hugs and love are being sent your way. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

I want to add my prayers that we are all able to experience the true gifts of this Christmas seson -- hope, peace, love, and joy. It will be a very challenging Christmas this year but I hope we are all able to find comfort. Perhaps our memories will sustain us, perhaps our family and friends will lift us up . . . but know that God is carrying each of us and is the ultimate essence of light and love. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Marty, I add my thanks for providing this site where we can gather to offer love and support for we truly understand. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Rochel, I'm here, too. Been feeling kind of down but am still trying to find my way through this grief journey that I never wanted to experience. My son is home from college for about a month and it's really comforting to have him with me. The month of December has been very difficult -- two of Brian's daughter's had birthdays and my son's birthday was today. I try to stay as strong as I can but I miss Brian's presence. He was my rock and he always lifted me up when I was down. I'll be sure to check in sometime on Christmas Eve. I'm going to try to go to a friend's house for her annual "open house" and then to church. Thanks for checking on all of us. It has truly helped to have found such wonderful, caring people right here . . . people who understand. I continue to lift you all up in my prayers. I pray that we all find moments of peace and solace for our wounded souls. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Korina, I wish you safe travels and I hope you are able to find moments of peace during this Christmas season. I continue to hold you in my prayers. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

I agree with all of you. Weekends used to be filled with joy and love. Now they are flat. Yesterday we had a snow storm and I stayed in my pajamas the entire day. Trying to write a paper which is due tomorrow but my mind just isn't there. I long for the times spent with Brian and it really didn't matter what we were doing. We just had fun being together. I'm keeping everyone in my prayers on this Sunday morning. I hope we all find a way to get through this day and that perhaps we find moments of peace and solace. Love and hugs to you all. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

I agree that the greeting card aisle is very difficult. Two of Brian's daughters have December birthdays. I had to read a whole lot of cards until I found two which I thought would be appropriate. They should be gettng cards from their Dad, not just me. And then, as I was going through some stuff at home, I found two Christmas cards that Brian bought for me last year but forgot to give me. I saw the bag about a week after Christmas and reminded him about. We just laughed. I guess he was saving the cards for this year (but he probably would have forgotten and purchased new ones). I read the cards and tears came to my eyes. I know that he was very careful about wording and that he meant every word the cards said. December is just so hard. I'm praying that we are all able to find our way through this Christmas season with moments of hope, peace, love, and perhaps joy. Hugs and prayers to you all. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Well said, my friend. It is truly a gift that we are willing to open our souls to each other and to accept love, comfort and support. My prayer today is that we all find a way to forge our way through this difficult season. May we find moments of hope, peace, love, and perhaps even joy. These are the messages which the Advent season offers along with waiting for the birth of Christ. And during this time of waiting I am trying to open myself fully to God in order to experience healing. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Ellen, Thanks for your kind words. Sorry for the delay in responding, for some reason I missed your post. The figurine sounds so beautiful and I am glad you have something so wonderful which you can cherish. And, I know that you wil find a way to choose to dance again. There have been many times in the past 11 weeks when I wanted to give up but I know that Brian wants me to choose life. So, I continue to face every day by drawing strength from Brian's spirit and from God. I find moments of peace which help me to go on. I'm a seminary student and Brian was my biggests supporter. He was the person who was able to recognize gifts in me that I didn't know existed. Giving up would be a dishonor to his memory. He passed away the week that classes started for this semester. Somehow I have been able to find the fortitude to continue my classes and actualy keep up with the work. Last night my professor told me that he was amazed that I was able to do this. I know that I have had a lot of help and support -- that's what keeps me going. I'm keeping you in my prayers with the hope that you are able to find moments of peace, that your memories will help sustain you during times of sadness, and that you do indeed choose to dance again. I'm sending lots of love and hugs your way. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

((( Hugs Fredzgirl & JohnG ))) As I have many, many times before I wish I had some magical words or wisdom which would erase all of the pain we cotinue to experience as we walk this grief journey. I'm sending love and prayers your way, hoping it helps to know that you are not alone. December is a tough month. I, too, have been experiencing waves of sadness as my heart and soul longs to have Brian by my side. I never understood how hard this grief work can be. I never understood the depth of the pain and the anguish. Sometimes I experience pockets of peace and I think that healing is forthcoming. But then I hear a song, remember a conversation, or see a picture and the reality and finality of this loss again becomes almost more than I can bear. I hope that if we continue to lean on each other the burden that each of us carries will become just a bit lighter. I pray that we are all able to find those moments of peace and solace. And I pray that one day the memories will bring smiles rather than tears. Please know that I am keeping you in my prayers and that you are wrapped in the loving arms of God. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Ted, I'm sorry that I missed your birthday. I hope that the day went as well as possible. I continue to hold you in my thoughts and prayers. Prayers for peace and healing. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Ellen, I'm sending love, hugs and prayers your way. I understand the loss that you are feeling. I also only knew Brian 3 1/2 years and we met on an on-line dating site. We hadn't yet gotten married due to financial reasons with my son in college but we lived together for the past three years. He was the man I had been searching for my entire life. He was my soulmate and the other half of myself. I lost him very suddenly due to an infection on 9/23/2009. Up until three days before that, Brian had been a strong, healthy man who loved life and loved me. I wish I had some wisdom to share but this grief journey is work and it is a roller coaster. All we can do is try to face the emotions as they come and work our way through them. It is important to take care of yourself the best that you can--rest, eat, and be very gentle with yourself. Face life one moment at a time. And, remember to breathe. I have found it helpful to see a Pastoral Counselor (I have a history with her and she knows me very well). I've also attended a grief support group and have a Spiritual Director (I'm a seminary student). Reaching out and letting friends and family surround you with love and support helps but it does not erase the pain. I suppose only time will make this new life more manageable. For now, please know that there are many loving people on this site who understand what you are experiencing. We lean on each other as we try to find moments of peace. Come here as often as you need to -- you can share, vent, and just let us know where you are on this path. Know that you are not alone. I'm here to listen and to understand. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Oh, Korina, you just reminded me of Brian. He was the "scatterbrain." We would make plans for the upcoming weekend one day and the next day he would forget. I would just give him my "look" and shake my head. He would smile and say I should know this shouldn't I? Give me a minute. We would both laugh. It was a true joy in our relationship that we were both able to laugh at our own faults. He completed me and I completed him. I'm missing our relationsip. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

(((John))) I'm sending hugs and love your way. Desolution is part of this grief journey that we all share. We are walking in the shadows of death. The light which seems so very far away right now is life trying to lure you back. It will take lots of time and plenty of work to creep closer toward that light. Believe your friends and family. The other week my Pastor told me that she could see the light still shining in me even though all I could see was darkness. I do not believe that she would offer me false hope. We are on a roller coaster. We will find moments of peace only to be taken over by emotions of sadness, despair, guilt, and anger. It's all part of the grief process. And, grief is not linear. We do not move from one stage to the next but can slip back at any time. Accept the emotions as they come your way and work through them. I don't believe it is true that time heals all wounds but rather it makes them more bearable. We will always hold our loved ones in our heart. Their absence will remain with us for the rest of our lives. We loved them and our loss is great. But, we will all find a way to survive, to live again. Pleae be gentle with yourself. If you are unable to sleep at least try to rest. Eat when you can. And, remember to take those tiny baby steps -- try not to look too far into the future. Perhaps tomorrow is all you can handle at this moment. I will continue to lift you up in my prayers. I hope that you are able to hold on to good memories as you make your way through the grief. Seek those moments of peace. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Debbie, your post about being cold brought a memory to my mind and today I am able to smile. Every night from the onset of fall until the beginning of summer I would get into bed with Brian and say that I was cold. I would get out of bed and put an extra blanket or two on the bed. He always told me I had to just wait a few minutes to get warm rather than pile on extra blankets. He would always remind me that in about 15 minutes I would be kicking the blankets off the bed. Of course, he was always right but still I did this night after night after night. Sometimes I don't know how he put up with me. But I know that he did because he just loved me so much. Now, I sleep with lots of extra blankets in the family room on the pull-out sofa. I never seem to be able to get warm. I miss him. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Thanks, Jude. Today was a better day for which I am quite thankful. I just realized that on "better" days I am able to feel Brian's presence. And, it is quite a gift. I just had a conversation with him and I promised him that I will do my best to live. I honestly know that's what he wants for me. He doesn't want me to be a shadow for the rest of my life. The ups and downs of grief are quite strange but I'm working my way through one small step at a time. I hold you in my prayers, my friend. I'm sad to hear that your love was taken from you as you were enjoying retirement. It just doesn't seem fair. I pray that you are also able to find moments of peace and that you can find blessings in the memories which I know that you cherish. December is a hard, hard month. Lean on me and I will lean on you. I'm sending lots of hugs and love you way. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Oh, Maxine, I'm sending hugs and love your way. It really takes time. I had two bad days in a row where all I wanted to do was hibernate and cry. Your roller coaster analogy is absolutely right. I am choosing life but that doesn't mean that the sadness has gone away. It just means that I am going to fight my way through the pain, the sadness, the grief, and the longing. I know that it won't be easy but I need to find a way to live. Please be gentle on yourself, my friend. Our time of grief is a walk through the shadows of death. I pray that you will find those glimmers of light and glimpses of peace. My counselor told me that it is life trying to lure us back. Take small steps. Face one day at a time. It's the best that we can do. I'm here for you to lean on and there will be days when I need to lean on you. We walk together because we understand. Know that I am lifting you up in my prayers. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Ted, Thanks for seeing my light shining. And, thanks for getting me to laugh with the George Carlin line. I don't laught as much as I used to and it felt good. I hope that you are doing well, it sounds like you are. I wish you hope, peace, joy, and love during this Christmas season and during the days and years to come. Hugs to you, my friend. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

I won't be sending Christmas cards this year and will be buying very few gifts -- just for special people who have offered overwhelming love and support. I hope that people will understand . . . if they don't, then perhaps they really aren't my friends. I think you have to do what you are able to do and let the rest go. Some things are just too hard to handle right now. I did very little decorating. I put some beads, lights, a candle, a picture of Brian and me, a Willow Tree angel, and Willow Tree Mary, Jesus, and Joseph on my entertainment center. I'll get a wreath for the front door if I have the energy. Christmas will come and it will go. The true meaning often gets lost in the commercialism. This year I'm trying to focus on hope, peace, love and perhaps even joy. I'm sending hugs and prayers to all of my dear friends on this sight. May we all find moments of peace in the midst of our grief. You all continue to be in my thoughts. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Rochel, Thanks for providing a thought for the day. While I still wish I could go back (or at least bring Brian back), I do know that it's not possible. As for staying here, wouldn't want to live the rest of my life stuck in these dark shadows. All I can do is try to forge my way into a future where I bring the loving memories of Brian with me and where I begin slowly to live again. I've had several people comment that they still see light shining in me and that they believe I really am working through the grief process in an admirable way which honors Brian's memory. These are trusted friends who would not lead me astray. So I keep trying and hope I make a little progress every day. I know there will be days when the pain still overwhelms me, when little memories trigger the tears. But I also know that my schooling, my involvement at church, and my amazing friendships will help me along this journey. I have decided to choose life and I know that this choice makes Brian happy. Sometimes I feel his presence with me and this is a true blessing. I'm glad to hear that you are doing well in California. It's good to hear from you, my friend. On Christmas Eve I'm planning to stop by a friend's house for a while. Not yet sure if I'm going to church. It might be a bit to overwhelming for me this year. I'll log on when I can and offer a toast of hope for the new year. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Rochel, I'd be glad to send you a copy. Will have to do it from home since it's stored on my laptop. Keep in mind it's a little academic in the beginning -- requirements of the paper. It's the interpretive part that you would want to read, especially at the end when I focus on the contemprary potential for the passage. I'll send it to you over the weekend. Thanks for wanting to read my paper. I used to read all of my papers, sermons, etc. to Brian. Sometimes I'm sure he was totally bored but he listened. I don't have my "sounding board" anymore. I miss him. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda