Circling Back On Myself

[valley]

On the eve of the 14th month since my wonderful Tom died, I had a "feeling" revelation.

I felt a deep longing for him, my soul partner. And then it hit me, this is exactly the same feeling I had 42 years ago, just before I met him. I was a young woman, a college student, and my craving and hope inside was to meet my match (not really knowing what that was or what that would feel like). I dated quite a bit from high school on and had lots of nice boyfriends. And some not so nice. But none of these relationships....clicked. We had fun, we could talk and hang out, date. But I never felt the relaxed and "at home" feeling I hoped love would offer. And then along came Tom. And instantly there was this rapport. There was ease of communication, trust, shared humor, excitement, physical attraction, fun and adventure. We almost didn't have to work at it at first, everything just seemed to fall in place. It really was unlike any connection I had ever had with anyone. A miracle to both of us.

In our 40 years, we did work at our relationship. We did overcome times when things seemed impossibly hard. But through it all, we always just sort of "knew " the other person and trusted that.

As much as I miss him, each and every day, I find myself back in that place, only now a much older woman, alone. I have lots of friends and wonderful grown children. But no one that I can communicate with like I could with Tom. The person I could say anything to. The person who allowed me to be real. What a gift. And how difficult it is to no longer have that. To know you most likely never will.

Don't know why I am writing this to anyone, but it struck me the other night that I have sorta gone full circle and am now back not waiting, but missing the kind of connection I know is possible in our world. I was not in grief when I had this longing as a young woman, it was not a loss, but a hope.

I do plan to have fun with my friends, and I do right now. But the flavor of the connections is just not as sweet. Although I am most thankful and appreciative of my friends. They have picked me up a million times, as I try to help them too. Once in a while I let my hair down and just respond to a friend, like I did to Tom. And I have sometimes caused argument or hurt feelings or misunderstandings. I realize I do not have the same freedom of uncontolled self expression. Maybe I should not have had that with Tom, but really we both seemed to be able to handle what the other person had to say...both good and bad. We didn't hold back too much on what we honestly felt and we did work through things. The closest I can come to this level of openess is with my children and I am so thankful for that. And blessed.

Just needed to talked about me loving Tom once again, and thought I would do it with you all.

PS On the handyman topic. I just had a light bulb fliker, which is no biggie...but then it didn't go out, but I can hear a low hissing sound in the outlet the bulb is in. One thing after another, but then, that's life.

Love, Valley

[marsha]

Good G-d, woman, you hit it - right after Joe died, I was paranoid I was going to revert to the party girl I was before I met him. Took a while to calm down, until I could see how totally illogical it was. I'm not the same woman as I was then, nor at 28, when I married Joe. For that matter, not the same woman I was on the day of diagnosis. To me, the soulmate status took all of the 24 years we were married. Yes, it took all of 6 weeks from the day we met for Joe to ask me to marry him. Then came the hard part - the compromise, financial difficulties, loss of both of our parents - and still, a deepening of love, trust, loyalty. My best friend - he could make me laugh, and he knew how to hit my buttons. There is no replacement for that - for Joe, just being Joe in my life. From now on in, it's different, a new normal I didn't wish for, but... Yes, I've often felt that full circle. Hugs, Valley - Marsha

[Alden]

Valley, I could relate so well to your remembrance of meeting Tom. I met Susan when she was 20 and I was 24, and although I had dated quite a bit, the relationships were just as you described; fun, but not terribly deep. When I met her, everything changed in an instant and we soared together for 20 years. Things fell I lost her not to death, but to mental illness.

It has been 7 years and I still pine for that amazing person who I could totally be myself with. I have dated here and there, but no one seems to compare with Susan. But we never know what life may bring us and who it may place in our paths. Neither of us will ever have the connection that we had with our spouses, but perhaps we can have a new connection, different, and wonderful in it's own right. There is always hope.

Alden

[mlg]

Valley,

As you know we have so many parrallels and this is just another one. Tom made me eat so many words. I didn't kiss on the first date except for him and from that moment on I knew he was different. Wasn't going to marry someone who didn't have as much education as I because my folks used to argue about this but I did. Wouldn't marry someone until we dated at least a year - we were married in 10 months. I wouldn't change a thing though. No we didn't always agree and some of the things we argued the most about I still don't understand but we made it through with much more smooth sailing than rough seas in just shy of 37 years. We complimented each other so well and could finish each others sentences. Even the tone of his voice over a phone told me something was bothering him terribly in 1990 and I was afraid my dad had passed away and he was trying to hide it from me (he was dying of prostate cancer at the time). He kept trying to tell me that nothing was wrong but I knew. When I got home he told me about an incident with someone outside a store in a town about 30 miles from here that could have cost him his life but he didn't want me to worry. We were "one".

Tom's angelversary is the 18th and I'll start my 3rd year. There are days that are better and days I can't seem to quit crying. My one sister in law told me that he would be so upset with me but I told her he knew how it would be. He knew how much I loved and depended on him even though I had always been strong before his illness. I thought I could handle most anything but this has knocked the wind totally out of my sails. I know I will make it because thousands of others have but it doesn't mean that I like it. There isn't a day that I don't think about him or talk to him.

In case I don't get back on before the 14th, know that I will be thinking of you that day. Keep this ((((hug))) until then.