valley

Teny in Greece, hello! Sept. 9th my husband will have been gone 2 years. I move forward each day, but like you........I miss him all the time. Our conversations, laughter, arguments even.....discussing our kids, my mom, what we are going to do each day. I long for him. I keep asking myself...."where are you Tom"? Sounds stupid, but still I cannot believe that big, strong man is not just around the corner and will come to me. Yet I make plans and entertain and enjoy my friends and mow my lawns and problem solve on my own. I do business, make decisions, learn things that I never needed or really wanted to know and part of it is.....my two grown children need me to put my best foot forward and not live in sadness. I could live there. But I don't let myself. They loved their father and they cannot move forward if I do not. I have learned that. And Tom would expect that of me. I am still "in love" with Tom, it is an active feeling and has not gone away. Like many of you I have lots of responsibilities and do my best to carry them out and do a good job. But darn.....today I was out using my weed whipper and picking raspberries. Enjoying my place. Came in the house with a cabbage from the garden and looked out my window and there was a huge brown bear. I ran out on the deck and banged some pots and pans. Nothing happened. The bear looked at me and then continue breaking my ornamental plum as it tried to get the tiniest little plums. So tomorrow I need to clean up the mess and then I plan to cut all my grapes and haul them off. They are small, but around my porch deck railings and I know that will be the next place the bear goes. So my life keeps me busy. Is my life rich? No. Not like it was. I believe, not like it will ever be again. Because I know in my heart that Tom was my match. We clicked. We got each other. But I will move forward because it is my nature and because I am surrounded by friends who reach out to me, a mother who is 93 and needs me to be strong for her, my children need me to be a sign post for how to survive when all you want to do is surrender. And as I say, "I am in love with Tom" and for right now, that sustains me. Love to all you dear people, Valley

Korina, What a lovely daughter. Go Monteal Go. Go Canuks Go. Like you, I loved talking sports, politics, EVERYTHING with my partner. Love to you, Valley

Happy Birthday from me too...... All the best, Valley

Mary Lou and all of you good people, Yes, the only way I have been able to survive my loss is to go one day at a time. Live the day I am in. Gradually I have been able to think a week ahead. And try to make each day count....for you. If you need to cry, then cry. If you need to talk to someone, then talk. If you need solitude, then take it. Let yourself feel what you feel and do not feel guilty for that. I never knew what a broken heart was....now I do. And like the bones in your body, it takes time to mend. Allow yourself that time. For me, this loss has been sometimes unbearable, and yet I am still here. I miss my partner all the time, and yet I can laugh again. Grief is something I did not truely know, as it was always only a word, eventhough I had lost very important people in my life, people I loved intensely. But nothing, nothing prepared me to lose my life partner. I feel a deep ache inside, but I am still here, still functioning, and yes.....I can laugh and enjoy friends and family, the beauty of my home and environment, the warmth of the sun, the crow that flies by. But yes, grief is overwhelming. One day at a time. Bless you all, Valley

Dear Suzanne, Yes, the pain of this intense heart ache is enormous. This broken heart. My husband died 19 months ago and I miss him every day. Like you, I felt I could not go on, or rather didn't care to. That joy was gone forever. We do go on, as our partners would want us to. We scream and we cry and we finally come to a day where that is less intense. Where we find a tiny bit of balance as we move forward. I still cannot sleep well at night. I cry, but not every day. I am beginning to learn to do the things around our place that Tom always did. I can only do this by thinking that he is watching me, finding it funny, finding it good. He was someone who did not like to see things fall apart and so in his honor I am trying to pull myself together and our place. I ask friends. I pay people. I do what I can now to keep the place going which requires that I keep myself going too. I was in the hardware store the other day to buy stain for my deck. I didn't know if the old stain was oil based or latex and all of a sudden I started crying. Caught the salesman off guard. I never know when my longing will surface and hit me. I left the store and drove home and thought "why am I doing any of this"? And then I think, because Tom loved this place and I need to keep it up...for him and for me. You will at some point feel stronger, but it is so different for everyone. But you will. The loss of a great love and friendship stays with you, but I am hoping mellows into something I can feel happy to have experienced and grateful that I had that in my life. For now, I still just feel the sadness of this huge loss. Take care and write what you feel. I am so sorry for your loss. Valley

Like others, what causes me the most pain......it is that Tom did not get to live out his own full life. He was a man who totally loved life and expressed that to everyone. He was happy. He wanted to be around his kids and to imagine their futures. It is this part of grief that stuns me. It is not so much for me (though I miss him every day), it is that he did not get to live out what should have been many more years. As I write this I weep. It is not for me so much, but for him. And somehow I get stuck in this place and do not know how to move past it. I weep for him. I can see his face and hear his words, "I am gonna get past this and live'. He wanted to live. In that way, it is unlike divorce. Two people part ways, but they are still alive. I don't know. I agree, comparing situations is wrong and doesn't really help. I only know death....that is enough for me. Valley

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear husband Dan. As Kay said, you cannot fill the role of two people, no matter how hard you go at it. This death is all so new for you, so raw, so overwhelming, that of course you feel adrift and "less than whole". Focus on taking care of yourself and rebuilding the business you and your husband shared...if that is possible and something you want to do. I can imagine right now that each task seems monumental, impossible, huge. Take care of you. And you have the wise words of Dan, telling you that and wanting you to be able to find happiness in your life again. My husband, also my best friend and long time life partner of 40 years, died 19 months ago in a few days. I have good days and "lost" days, and often am overwhelmed by the work of managing our big place. Some days I do nothing. Some days I do one thing. Some days I have lots of energy and feel accomplishment at the end. But like this morning, when I was looking around (spring time) at all that has to be done this spring and summer, (rebuild the front porch, fix the lawn mower, turn over the garden, pull the weeds, fix the kitchen counter and on and on and on ) I tell myself..........just think of one thing at a time....chip away.....that will be good enough. Don't get caught up in thinking you have to do it all at one time. My heart goes out to you. I still feel much like you do, 1/2 of a whole and I still yearn and long for that best friend of mine, my funny, strong, wonderful husband. Please take care of yourself. The pain does become more manageable, or at least it has for me. And I am forever thankful for my two wonderful adult children. Bless you, Valley

Boo, You are a friend to all.....we love you.....for your openess, your wisdom, your caring, your kind and gentle soul. I hope some of the rough edges have rounded in your life and that your Cliff lives strongly in your heart. Valley

Thank you so much. I celebrated my 66th year with my wonderful son. Besides the awesome dinner he brougt over for us to share...we talked and we talked and we talked. I felt loved. My daughter is coming on the long weekend and has invited some of my good friends to come to my house for dinner...which she is doing....French Canadian, though we are not French. My son will also come and it is a tribute to my dear Tom that our children are stepping up to celebrate, not only me, but our old family friends. I have been gone from my home since late November, so have not been staying up with my friends here. In my heart, you have all helped pull me along the shores of grief as I look for some emotional peace. Love to you all, Valley

Love is powerful. You are a testament to that. Kim and Dan, a love story. All the best, Valley

You wonderful people! Yes, it is so hard. I passed my first year without my husband and still when I think about him, focus on some wonderful time with tom, I cry. I still cannot help it. I long for him, I miss him, but mostly, mostly, I am so sad that this wonderful man did not get to live out a much longer life. To all of you dear people, my heart goes out to you. My love is coming to you. I believe there is nothing harder than losing someone you trust, you have fun with, you believe in, you make plans with, you move forward with. But at least we can come here together and know that this moment in time with share with soul brothers and sisters. I am sharing your load tonight. Bless you all, Valley

Seventeen months since my Tom died. I still live with his things all around me. Medical records in a file box. His truck in the carport, now unlicensed, but still there. His studio full of the projects he was working on. His paint pallet with oils still on it. Shoes by the door, hat on the door hook. I can't help it. I figure I will do something about it someday......I'll get up one morning and think, now is the time. But for now I love seeing his things, like how it was when I got to enjoy him in real time. I still badly need something from Tom, his strength, his love, his support...and I get some of that by still living with these parts of him. I did throw away a toothpick the other day......it was funny how I found it where he left it, knew it had been chewed on by him, and I debated long and hard if I should throw it out. Oh my gosh. It became kind of funny and I did throw it in the trash. I wear my wedding ring and feel married to Tom. Maybe someday this will change, but for me now, it gives me a sense of belonging to him and as others have said, "keeps him alive" inside me. I feel his footprint on my soul, but I like all the other physical "do dads" too. As long as I am not crazy, or going crazy, I think it is just fine for me. Oh.....I did get rid of a cabinet full of medications by taking them to the drug store and turning them in for disposal soon after he died. it did seem a waste as we spent hundreds of dollars on them. I did not have a hard time getting rid of them. Not at all. Since Tom also went to a naturopath we also had bottles and bottles of vit., supplements, min. etc.....and I take those. Much love to you Marsha. Valley

friends, I was moved by Marsha's post here, about people stepping forward to share with you their own grief. That has happened to me to. And it is so touching and so real. A few weeks after Tom died, I came in the house and had a message on my answering machine. From a mechanic at Midas, where we had taken our cars to be worked on. I didn't know Steve well at all, but could put a face to his name. He said, he read about my Tom dying in the paper. He was so sad and wanted me to know that I should not worry, he would always be happy to help me keep my car running. I was so surprised by this message. A few months later I had to go to Midas. Steve was working that day and he walked out to my car with me. He told me that his wife had died young and left him with their two young boys who he has raised. He is a younger man and wanted to tell me his story. He wanted to tell me that he knows my pain and how sorry he was. How he liked my husband. Even remembering this tonight brings me to tears. So many of us walk around with grief that is not known by others. but we do feel the pain of others when we hear of their loss. Steve took it upon himself to personally call me at home to say his kind words. To someone he only knew in the smallest way. This is kindness. As are all of you. Thank you, Valley

John This site was a tremendous help to me because I knew the people here could relate to loss and all the feelings that go with it. My friends were great really, but I started feeling bad after many months, that I was bringing them down. I didn't want to feel a responsbility to "be up" with them. My grown children were another matter, as I felt such longing for my husband, their dad, that I could not talk about anything else, but sadness. Finally I realized that I was hurting them even more than they already hurt losing a father they loved...they couldn't stand to see me so sad all the time. I did try to reign myself in a bit with them. I think when we love someone and see them hurting, we just want to help, to fix things. With death there is no fix. Each one of us goes through it in different ways, at different pace, expressing ourselves differently. We all have to find our way. Suzie has it right in that we cannot change others, but we can ourselves. A good, good friend of mine told me that a fellow she knew had lost his wife 6 months ago to cancer and he was so down. She casually said to me, "he should snap out of it"! I had to shake my head. She was a friend that was always right there for me through my deepest grief. It made me think that she believes I have become stronger, less grief stricken, and yes, that has happened. Good thing she was gentler with me. Snap Out Of It....how weird is that! How insensitive. Spoken by someone who never lost a deep love. My love died over 14 months ago and I love it when our friends talk about Tom. Bring him up in converstion, like he is right there with us. For me he is. I haven't been able to find the space between his life and his death and the distance that perhaps I should by now feel. He was/is one of the better parts of who I am. or so I see it. Certainly the fun part. Believe in what you feel and just feel it. There is no way to really walk around it. Love your friends. Love yourself. Go at your own pace. To each, his/her own. All the best, Valley

John, I write like I am talking....to a piece of paper. Just let it roll. For me journals can be like historical records of how we felt, who we were, where we were at during different times in our lives. We have a tangible way of capturing our ideas and feelings of the past. Sort of like how photos trigger memory. But in the present, they can just be a place to lay down your load, peacefully. Sometimes the creative act of writing just helps. Valley

Mary Linda, Walk tall, you are a wonderful woman. thinking of you, Valley

Marsha, I have been away so to speak, but did want to say....yes, you are loved and valued and I have often been so moved by what you have shared. I am like you too....missing, missing, missing. I do stuff, am busy, but my core is not the same. That one you lay next to at night and can share the day with, that is missing and it is HUGE. I just had a friend here with me for a few days, a really nice woman. I found myself getting somewhat impatient, and just wanting to slip away into my "dream world". I am selfish, in that if I cannot just kick back and be totally me, I sort of don't want to play the game, or at least not for too long. I suppose I am looking for what my "new normal" is, and I haven't found it. Surely, lonliness will not be it. I want to say, you matter to me and some days are up and some are down. We continue to seek meaning and purpose and also FUN. Thinking of you on the 18th. Valley

On the eve of the 14th month since my wonderful Tom died, I had a "feeling" revelation. I felt a deep longing for him, my soul partner. And then it hit me, this is exactly the same feeling I had 42 years ago, just before I met him. I was a young woman, a college student, and my craving and hope inside was to meet my match (not really knowing what that was or what that would feel like). I dated quite a bit from high school on and had lots of nice boyfriends. And some not so nice. But none of these relationships....clicked. We had fun, we could talk and hang out, date. But I never felt the relaxed and "at home" feeling I hoped love would offer. And then along came Tom. And instantly there was this rapport. There was ease of communication, trust, shared humor, excitement, physical attraction, fun and adventure. We almost didn't have to work at it at first, everything just seemed to fall in place. It really was unlike any connection I had ever had with anyone. A miracle to both of us. In our 40 years, we did work at our relationship. We did overcome times when things seemed impossibly hard. But through it all, we always just sort of "knew " the other person and trusted that. As much as I miss him, each and every day, I find myself back in that place, only now a much older woman, alone. I have lots of friends and wonderful grown children. But no one that I can communicate with like I could with Tom. The person I could say anything to. The person who allowed me to be real. What a gift. And how difficult it is to no longer have that. To know you most likely never will. Don't know why I am writing this to anyone, but it struck me the other night that I have sorta gone full circle and am now back not waiting, but missing the kind of connection I know is possible in our world. I was not in grief when I had this longing as a young woman, it was not a loss, but a hope. I do plan to have fun with my friends, and I do right now. But the flavor of the connections is just not as sweet. Although I am most thankful and appreciative of my friends. They have picked me up a million times, as I try to help them too. Once in a while I let my hair down and just respond to a friend, like I did to Tom. And I have sometimes caused argument or hurt feelings or misunderstandings. I realize I do not have the same freedom of uncontolled self expression. Maybe I should not have had that with Tom, but really we both seemed to be able to handle what the other person had to say...both good and bad. We didn't hold back too much on what we honestly felt and we did work through things. The closest I can come to this level of openess is with my children and I am so thankful for that. And blessed. Just needed to talked about me loving Tom once again, and thought I would do it with you all. PS On the handyman topic. I just had a light bulb fliker, which is no biggie...but then it didn't go out, but I can hear a low hissing sound in the outlet the bulb is in. One thing after another, but then, that's life. Love, Valley

Dear Kath, For me, I think even more than the idea of letting go, is the idea that my love is not coming back. That has been so hard for me. As irrational as that sounds, something in me kept waiting for tom to come home to me. after 16 months I am finally accepting the fact that this will not happen...in the now. I spent Christmas with my mother, 92, who lives very much in the past. She has piles of paper all around her chair and looks over and over at old letters, photos, the past. I said, "mom if your house burned down today, you would still be here. You are more than your past". Maybe that sounds cruel, but at the moment I really thought that. I am sure mom did not really understand or care what I said about that subject, as the past is her new reality. But it did strike me.....in a big way. I carry my past, it is who I am, and who will help shape my future. Tom rides with me into this next adventure in my living life. I am not there yet, but it will be Tom who helps propel me forward. He was a man of action. I actually am who I am, because of all our years together and the fun and encouragement he offered me those many years. P.S. Not exactly on your topic, but many years ago, I noticed that when I laid in bed my hands were fists. I made a conscious choice and then a new habit of letting my fingers reach out...because I got it into my head that my energy needed to be able to travel out of my hands at night when I went to sleep. that it would help me sleep more peacefully. To this day, if I feel my hands pull in, make a fist, I make myself let my fingers loose. Love to you Kath. Lots of love. Valley

Hello Friends, As I approach the evening of New Year's Eve I cannot help but remember how my Tom loved to stay home that night. Once in a while we would go to a party at a friends, but he must have had some horrible teenage memory of a "bad' New Year's, as he believed it was good to wake up in your own house for the first day of the year. CBC radio usually does a countdown of the 'best' music, as they see it. We would cook a special dinner, toast one another and then push the coffee table back and dance in the living room. Just Tom and I and the CBC! I remember this with so much love. We always liked to dance together. In our jeans. And so tonight as I spend it alone, I will raise a glass to Tom and toast his wonderful memory and hope that we can dance in my dreams tonight. To all of, I hope you can move forward with some sense of peace this year. I hope that I can too. That we can find joy in things we do and also "cry if ya want to". Bless you all. Valley

Mary Linda, You made it through the birthday. You honored Tom. I always wish I had a big family to share events, but mostly just life in general, but I don't. My son, unmarried, does pay attention to me, but he also has a big full life. Lucky for me he always gives me a big hug on coming and going. I wish I could sit down with you and listen to your stories, hold your hand, hug you and get to know you. It would be fine if you cried and I know, I would too. I met a friend yesterday for lunch and she wants me to get involved with a community group that she is working with and they need help and it is all the kinds of things that I can do. But as we talked, I told her that I was still wrapped in my grief and needed to feel what I feel. While I said this, tears came. She understands. Also thinks that one does not exclude the other. That involvement with community would be good for me and that I could really help out. At the same time, I know that I need to trust "where I am at now" and I do believe that I will know when I feel that new strength to move forward a bit. I know I am in very small ways already. I am not going to do anything that I do not want to do and if I need time to cry some more, then so be it. I don't feel guilty about it. This is my time to feel all the things I feel and be with Tom inside myself. For me I talk about Tom a lot. With my kids and with friends. If I have people over for dinner I usually at some point make a toast to Tom. And they get into it too. We do not dwell on it, but we raise a glass to him and acknowledge his GREATNESS. And then we are right back into whatever is going on with the conversation. For all I know I might do this the rest of my life because I am always carrying Tom in my heart and I feel no guilt at all about doing this. It makes me happy. Celebrate your Tom no matter what the others might think. I think that is wonderful that your sister in laws are reaching out to you. I would let them. See what happens. My sister in law died years ago and there is no one left in my immdiate family but my unmarried son, my daughter and her husband (5 hours away) and my mother (92 years old and a 10 hour drive away). Some cousins scattered all over america. So to me family is what counts. I moved to Canada with Tom when we first met and our children were born here. Our community became our new family. I have friends of 40 years who have gone through lifes ups and downs with us and so we all stick together like family. The one thing we all have new in common is age and the passing of our friends now. Like we are entering an age of loss and I suppose we are all trying to grapple with it. The year I lost my Tom, our community of friends lost 3 other wonderful "men". I am going on and on here and I didn't really mean to. I just want to say you are loved. And it is alright to cry for your Tom whenever the need stikes. It just happens. And it is fine. Here is my hug for you.......hope you can feel it. Valley

Linda, Enjoy your son while he is with you. I am sure this is all so hard for him too. My children always have a hard time seeing me sad, but I just have to be who I am at the moment in time. Sometimes we laugh and have fun, others they offer sympathy because I am in tears. My husband died almost 14 months ago and the day in and day out is easier. It is. Yet I miss him everyday. This morning I drove to town and as I approach my little city I started crying. I just never know when it will overtake me....the sudden sadness and loss. But I drove home feeling better and knowing that I had things I had to accomplish. Each day is different......but it will get easier. Please take care, Valley

Mary Linda, Much love to you. Your Tom and my Tom.....we were lucky. Take care and know that you are loved. Valley

Dear Kath, I love to reflect on this topic. I suppose what I felt most deeply was Tom's unconditional love for me. It is a wonderful gift. He was not a judgemental person and believed in live and let live. At the same time he fought for what he believed in and was a hard worker. He loved nature and to be in the wild. He loved animals and could communicate with them. He lost himself in his art and always encouraged creativity in our home. He believed in living simply and not doing harm to the earth. He loved to laugh and all his friends counted on him for that.....relax, laugh, talk about the world with him. He was a devoted father and would do anything for his kids. But he also expected them to be honest, loving people and to "have the work ethic". These qualities I learned to admire and embrace. I was crying once at a friends house, so distraught and fearful while Tom was sick and she told me, "your children are learning from you and Tom how to face death, how to face loss". I suppose that sounds obvious, but at the moment it really shook me inside. Yes, my adult children who love both their dad and I, are watching us, seeing how we face cancer and deal with it and all the people along our path. When I think of Tom, I think of a very loving, kind, intense, intelligent, artistic, man; a person who told you that he loved you. He called me his partner and I was. He taught me how to be happy in this world and less afraid. Now I work to really embrace that feeling alone. Love to you all, Valley

Ted, Yep, so many things knock us for a loop. I remember when I had to take my husbands name off our land title deed. I sat and sobbed. My credit union took his name off our account and I got so upset they put his name back on it, but made me the principle administrator. Tom's name has deceased after it on our bank statement, but at least he is still on the account. I have had a terrible time each time I am told to remove his name. I know I am bad this way and will have to move past this and at some point I will. Yes, these things hit us hard and in different ways. Take care and remember that this horrible pain of loss is because the love was so great. Not that that helps. I hope something nice happened to you today, even one little thing. If I have a good nights sleep, then I count that as something good that happened to me. It can be the little things. Take care, Valley