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Gloria Sunshine

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While I manage to maintain composure most of the time, I have break downs.. like the one tonight. I was going through some baby clothes a friend had given to my daughter, Anna (yay!). I pulled out a cute t-shirt which read 'I'm a little sister'. My first thought was that she could never wear it, b/c she's an only child. Then the icy cold wretched reality hit me. Yes. Anna can wear that shirt, b/c she is actually a little sister to Gloria. You see, Gloria was so disabled at birth, I couldn't begin to take care of her many many needs. It was financially and physically impossible. Gloria now lives with her (foster) mother who is also an RN and fosters lots of other special needs children. I still miss her immensely - especially now that a silly toddler's t-shirt triggered this sort of emotional response. I wish to God things could be different. I wish I had the resources to raise Gloria and she would be living with us now. I miss her sweet sweet smile. I wish I could comfort her during one of her seizures or medical procedures. Life can be so cruel. I worry about her everyday. She's almost 3.5 yrs old. Anna is only 1.5 yrs, but how in the world do I tell Anna about her older sibling?? I'm sorry to ramble on and on, but missing my little Gloria Sunshine is so painful sometimes. I should have thrown caution to the wind and tried to care for Gloria myself. Only then, I would not feel guilty. I wouldn't feel an empty place in my heart. I would not worry about whether she gets enough love or if she's in pain. Gloria would have suffered though. I had to think of her best interest not mine. Somebody please tell me theyve gone through the same emotional battles. Somebody please tell me it get's better. I still can NOT find meaning (the reason) why it had to be like thisfor Gloria and me. Why? Why? Why.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Having had a special needs child and having given his Dad custody,which resulted in his grandparents raising him. My son,Jon,had Cerebral Palsy. I was his major care giver until he was 7, when I divorced his Dad. Jon died June 29,09, at the age of 37, and I have so many regrets,even though I know he was much better off with them than with me.He couldn't handle change and he needed stability. I've moved over 30 times in the past 30yrs. He never could have handled that but I'm still his Mom and I feel like I let him down. I know he was happy but I wasn't there to see it. I still got to see him and be with him but he needed help with almost everything and I was always at the mercy of his brothers being willing to be here to help him. I understand how those feelings feel. All the woulda,shoulda,couldas will eat you alive unless you can come to terms with the fact that she is well taken care of.

As to explaining to your younger daughter that she has an older sister,the day will come when you can let her know.If you have pictures of Gloria, maybe you could keep telling her now and when she's older you can explain better. My granddaughter was very special to her uncle Jon. He loved her so much. I never want Maddy to forget him. She's 2 1/2,so I show her pictures of him all the time and talk about him. Now when I cry,she associates that with my missing Jon. If you don't have any pictures,you can still talk about her. Maybe when she's a little older you can get a book from the library with pictures of special needs kids so she can see and understand why Gloria doesn't live with you like she does. If it were me, I would rather bring her up knowing about Gloria and how much you love her too than to end up like "Rain Man". I'm sorry for your struggle and sorry I haven't been checking in here much lately to see if someone needed someone to talk to. I spend most of my Grief healing at Legacy Loss of a Child. If you need to talk where you feel there is more support(I know this group is not very active),that group(and there are others there) are very active and the members are very eager to lend their heart to a grieving parent. It's legacy.com and then Loss of a Child. I'll be praying for you to find peace and have wisdom with your little one. Hugs of Hope,Kathy

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