Guilt

[Lost1]

In the grieving process, I understand that guilt is a part of the healing. How can you heal if you can not get past the guilt? Guilt of not being there enough. Guilt over not saying enough. Guilt over my children not getting to know their Grandmother as much as I got to know mine. Guilt over so much more! I have spent time alone, granting myself time to forgive myself but it is not working. I feel so lost in this stage and do not know what to do. I cry and dwell on the guilt. Any suggestions on how to get over this stage? Will I ebb and flow in and out of this stage?

[kath]

Dear Lost1,

I think the best way to get over the guilt is to walk through it. While you are there, take time to forgive yourself for doing the best you could at the time. (None of us knew what the future held.) Be patient with yourself when you are angry or restless or anxious.

I understand wanting your children to have the relationship you enjoyed, my kids will not get to spend their 2nd decade with their dad. I guess it is up to us to keep the memories alive for them. Talk with them, share the good things they did and the funny things they said. Let them know they were always loved by them. I can't change the feeling that they were robbed of their relationship. I can only help them realize that they had the best and he expected the best of them. Mine see their dad in their dreams and hear his voice when they are troubled. He'll always be their hero.

And keep talking here. It helps the gentleness sink in.

Kath

[Ron B.]

Lost1,

I am finding that talking or writing about 'guilt' is very difficult. I dug into a very large dictionary, and it helped a bit. Some of the meanings fit your situation, in that they were about "feelings of culpability, especially for imagined offenses" and "morbid self-reproach".

Perhaps it will help if I tack you down. Did you do any specific action that was wrong? Doesn't sound like it from what you've written. Instead you have some diffuse or generalized feeling that you could have done something more or something better to help your lost loved one and your family. But that's not specific at all. It seems you are accusing yourself of 'neglect', yet you can't detail the alleged neglect or say just how it was wrong. I think your feeling of 'guilt' is more about "imagined offenses", than real offenses.

You should give yourself credit if you made any effort or did anything right in the course of your loved one's illness and passing.

You've got to find something positive, so as not to be wholly swallowed by negative emotion. Lean on friends, family, a counselor, this forum, a journal, or anything else to buoy you through your grief.

I hope you can say a bit more about your situation, otherwise it's hard to make constructive suggestions.

Ron B.

[Lost1]

Ron,

Thank you for your response. Your post made me think about what I was feeling the guilt over. Did I not spend enough time with my Mother? Did I not say "I love you" enough? Did she know how much I loved her? I moved my family to live near her in order to spend time with her, but was it in time? So many questions I feel that are unanswered. Did I do enough? I also feel guilt about the process at the end. I was instructed to medicate her to keep her in a calm. I wanted her to be able to speak and be active towards the end. Did the medication limit that? Did I not allow her to say her "good-bye's"? I have too many things to resolve and I hope this is apart of the grieving process. I have sought out a counsler for help. I am hoping to get through this phase soon

Do I feel that I have manifested my guilt? Maybe, but I need to resolve the emotions tied to it. I need to make sure that I was not neglectful. I struggle with not knowing that I did enough or the right thing at the right time. I felt this way before she passed and now it is just magnified.

Thank you for your guidance,

Lost1

[Lost1]

Kath-

Thank you for your guidance. I strive everyday to keep memories alive but they are still very raw for me. It saddens me to think that when I recall memories of my Mother, that I become so sad. I want them to cherish the moments we have making "Grammie's Famous Mac and Cheese" but my heart is still so heavy. For them I want to move on, along with doing for myself. I want to be able to smile when I think of her but I still feel so sad and guilty about so many things. I want to be out of this stage of grief....can you tell I am not a patient person? I want to heal and not forget. I want to feel the warm feeling inside that I felt when I thought of my Mother. My extended family has just begun to talk about good times; it will be a year in July. During these times I do try to participate but it is tough. We have celebrated her birthday and wedding anniversary but I still feel empty. Any chance we get we celebrate her. I have become very active in "cancer causes". I have included family members and my children. Still with all of the "love and support" I am trying to send out into the world, I am still lost and full of questions. Is there a balance and will it come? I have tried reading books, writing, traveling, and talking with friends that have lost parents, etc. but have not found a way to work through my issues. I am hoping going to a counselor will help along with this on-line discussion groups.

Thank you for supporting me and sharing!

Lost1