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My Birthday Was Yesterday

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That was crazy tough. All day long, thinking about what she was doing for me 38 years ago. How do you process that? It made a day that is traditionally about YOU into a day of loss. A day of feeling that she'd sacrificed everything in the world for me - and wasn't there to see if it came to anything. A day of wondering if I've done anything to redeem that sacrifice. A day where I didn't get a call at 10 am with a silly rendition of the Happy Birthday song. I made it through pretty well by staying busy with projects, but of course when that wound down just ended up bawling through dinner. For no other reason than because I'm here, feeling like there's no point in life and that there's nothing I can do to justify her sacrifice. How do you take advantage of the reminder to go lead your life when you're face to face with the reminder that NOTHING you do will keep you from the dust-to-dust mental salve?

I think I would like to go curl up in bed and see what the summer looks like. Please wake me then.

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Birthdays are always so hard. All holidays are I guess. I'm always thinking that what's the point in doing anything great in the future if my Mom isn't here to see it. She won't be here to feel pride or happiness. It's a very helpless feeling so I know what you mean. In my case, I'm not at my best the past few years so I feel bad knowing my Mom passed away seeing me at a negative time in my life and not at my peak. And I can't change that. I sometimes wonder if she felt that all her hard work was a waste. But then I try to tell myself she loved me anyway and that's a blessing to have been loved unconditionally.

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