green2010

I'm sorry about your loss. I understand completely when you say "I miss my mother, I miss my friend, I miss the love and respect that we had for each other... and that I know I will never have, at least not in that way, ever again." I feel the same exact way. It's a huge loss and void not to have that in my life anymore. I know I have and will have love, but it's just not the same as my mother's love. I'm glad you're happy with the medical care your Mom received. Hang on to that thought because many people don't have that and that ends up complicating their grief. At least you know your Mom received the best care. (((hugs)))

I'm so sorry for your loss. It seems like when we need doctors the most, they show how human they are. My Mom's doctors told her she was doing great, two months later she was gone. I understand your feelings about wishing you gave your Mom a grandchild. Try to remember though that the worst thing a person can do is have a child for someone else. You will have your children when it's the right time for you and your husband. Your Mom's wish for you will come true in time, if it's meant to be, so don't have any regrets. Yes, it would have been great for your children to know your Mom (my Mom would have been the best Grandma ever!) but the reality is, you might not have had as much time for your Mom if you had kids. There is a reason for everything. We have to trust that there was a good reason we didn't have children for our Moms to meet. Your loss is very new, so your feelings are still raw. I felt like you did about the baby issue when my Mom first passed away, I would wake up feeling awful about it. So much guilt and regret! I had a knot in my stomach about it and a huge void in my heart. But now that I have had some time to adjust to her being gone, I don't look at it that way anymore. I know that I was able to spend more time with her and focus my energy on her much more so than I could have if I had kids. So give yourself some time.

Sorry to hear about your loss Tigereye. I lost my Dad in the same way. When he was in a coma, I saved some of his hair because I thought about when I walk down the aisle I will take it with me. But now that some time has passed, I don't think I will do that. Instead I will have a non-traditional wedding, maybe to some awesome place like Rome or Greece, and just have a personal ceremony that me and my husband write, maybe have only very good friends there. I'm not going to do all the traditional things like the father's dance. Of course, I was never the type of girl who dreamed about weddings, so maybe it's easier for me to give up that vision since I really didn't have it to begin with. I always feel that life isn't about the "big" events or moments, but instead about all the time in between those events. Once the time comes, you will follow your heart and do something that feels right for you. Each person will have a different way of dealing with the loss, but if we all follow our instincts, we can do what's right for us. ((((hugs)))

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling alone and afloat. I relate to that. I'm all alone too, so I understand. I literally have no one in my family who cares. It seems like they just went on with their lives after my Mom died. They talk about the "life cycle" and all that crap. I wonder if they even loved her. I know they don't love me. They don't reach out to me and in fact, actually get annoyed with me that I haven't wanted to go through my Mom's things or spread the ashes. They want to do everything right away. Well, I'm not going to, I will do them when I feel the time is right and I have the legal authority to do that. Anyway, I'm off on a tangent, bottom line is I understand how you feel. I have no foundation either. Nothing to count on, no family, no real reason to look to the future, nothing to get excited about. I've gone to counseling and all that grief stuff and it just made me feel worse. I'm hoping with time we will both look at things different. Hang in there, you're not alone.

Birthdays are always so hard. All holidays are I guess. I'm always thinking that what's the point in doing anything great in the future if my Mom isn't here to see it. She won't be here to feel pride or happiness. It's a very helpless feeling so I know what you mean. In my case, I'm not at my best the past few years so I feel bad knowing my Mom passed away seeing me at a negative time in my life and not at my peak. And I can't change that. I sometimes wonder if she felt that all her hard work was a waste. But then I try to tell myself she loved me anyway and that's a blessing to have been loved unconditionally.

My Mom's husband who is like a Dad to me got diagnosed with stage 4 Lung Cancer today. My Mom hasn't even been gone 3 months and I'm barely surviving that loss, now I'm so scared about the future for my Dad. I'm worried he'll be in pain. I don't even know if he can do treatments because he's much older than she was so he's already weak. I just feel so awful. I'm here with him and I will take care of him unless I start to need help, then we'll get a nurse. So far he seems fine and can take care of himself. I just don't know what to expect and I'm scared he'll suffer. I love him and don't want anything to happen to him. I can't believe this is happening again, so soon after my Mom. I try to live in the moment but it's very hard to do that. We are getting a second opinion next week.

Hi Sandy, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your Mom. What a blessing she lived until 90. I agree with the others to not be hard on yourself or think you have to rush anything. I haven't touched anything of my Mom's yet and probably won't for a long time. Everyone has to go at their own speed I guess. (((hugs)))

I read that even if you weren't close to a parent, you sometimes grieve even more than someone who was close. You grieve for person and then also for the relationship you didn't have with them. I understand how you feel, my parents were divorced so I wasn't as close to my Dad as I would have been. I'm trying to find a way to put it all to rest and not let sad thoughts stay in my head for so long. It's hard though. I would have loved to be closer to my Dad but when you don't live with someone, it's hard to be close in that parent/child way. I told him I loved him all the time yet words don't change anything or fill that void, at least they didn't for me. I'm glad I was close to my Mom but then I also feel very protective of her, so that leads me to have anger at my Dad. Yet, I grieve for him too. It's a complicated circle of sadness that I wish I could get out of. I hope you find some peace about your relationship with your Dad. I'm sure he knew how you felt. Someone once told me when I was feeling guilty about my Dad that it wasn't my sole responsibility to create a great relationship with him. He could have changed things if he wanted to put me as a priority. The truth is, he left my Mom knowing he was leaving me too. That's a choice he made. When I looked at it that way, it gave me a different perspective on it. It wasn't just up to you to create a great relationship with your Dad. And Mary Linda, I hope you went to the winery and enjoyed yourself without feeling guilty. (((hugs)))

I'm sorry for your loss. I just lost my Mom recently and I noticed I grieve so different than my family. They all just moved on to their normal lives. I feel like I don't want to see them because I don't relate to how they adjusted that fast. Do you have other support in your life? If so, I hope they are helping you now. I've learned to rely on online support because they understand how I feel. (((hugs)))

Of course I'm not an expert but I do think that was a sign. I know people who have received signs as well. I'm still waiting for one, it's okay if it doesn't come but I'm hoping. I think the only thing we all have to be careful of, since we're in vulnerable situations, is to make sure no one is taking advantage of our pain. For example my friend when to a "medium" to communicate with her Mom and the guy charged her $500. So that's when the whole "sign" issue becomes suspicious. But something like what happened to you with the call, I would take that as a sign if it happened to me. I'm happy for you (((hugs)))

Hi Diane, I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my Mom a little over 2 months ago, also to lung issues. It was a sudden death as well. I didn't know she was that ill and neither did she. I guess maybe it's better that way since she wasn't in pain or afraid of anything. We were in the dark. The hard part about that is for the people left behind, because like you say, there are so many "what if's" and things you look back on and regret. I wish I could give you advice but I'm in your same exact shoes so I have no clue how to deal with this. I was also only close to my Mom out of everyone in the family so I'm lost without her. She was my best friend and biggest supporter. I don't feel close to anyone else in the family. She was really my whole family in my mind. I hope we both find a way to cope somehow. We have to make sure we are good to ourselves like our Moms would want us to be. (((hugs)))

I can relate to all your feelings. I've felt all that as well, the only thing I haven't done is I can't seem to look at my Mom's pictures very often. It just hurts too much. It's been 9 weeks for me. My siblings also weren't as close to my Mom so they just moved on with their lives. They are also married with kids so their lives weren't like mine. I was 100 times closer to my Mom. The most support I have found is the new friends I made online who understand what I'm feeling. There are many people who adored their Moms like I did so reading their stories did help me a lot. I think right now you are definitely vulnerable to new relationships so make sure you avoid that. I remember thinking the same thing that you are, that I could meet some man and just run away with him. That would be a huge mistake so make sure you let yourself heal before you even think about men. You don't want to end up in a worse situation. I wish I had advice to give but I don't since I'm still where you are. I guess the only thing I can say is that if it weren't for the support I found online I don't know what I would have done. (((hugs)))

I'm sorry for everyone's losses. I also always prayed my Mom would live a long life too. After my Dad died I became paranoid about my Mom's health. She died very suddenly and even though she had health issues, I was still shocked. I really thought she'd live into her 90's or at least 80's. I guess it was wishful thinking. I just see so many people living longer and longer, I guess I convinced myself it could happen.

Hi - I'm so sorry about your Dad. My Mom recently died and she had some of the same lung issues with scarring and other things. You sound incredibly intelligent and articulate at such a young age. Don't worry about whether or not what you're feeling is typical or normal. We each grieve different but you will feel all the different stages at some point, sometimes several times. Just focus on making sure you have enough support in your life so that when you feel like talking, you have people who will listen. Forums like this are a great place to find support too. I don't know what I would have done the past couple months without the friends I've found online who are also experiencing a loss like I am. You've been through a very traumatic experience so make sure you take care of yourself and reach out to the people you love and trust the most. (((hugs)))

I have been posting in another forum about losing my Mom and then today decided to check out this forum because I am taking care of my elderly stepdad and I noticed I have anxiety about his health a lot. I read Jo's thread and was so impressed with her honesty and clarity. She mentioned a couple times that her posts might not make sense but they were actually very insightful and clear. I was wondering how she is doing as well. Jo, if you're reading this, I hope all is well with you and that the treatment is going okay. Your posts hit home with me on a few things. You were able to articulate things in a way that gave me some insight into my own life. I hope you can stop by and post sometime soon. Take care (((hugs)))