I Am Lost Without My Mom

[SandraH]

Hello there! I was looking frantically for a place online that could help me and find some people who "get it". Here we are! I don't know how to live without my Mom. I am 28 years old and my Mom was 54. She was a single Mom since I was 3 and my sister 6 and struggled our whole childhood to keep us with a roof over our heads and food in our tummies. We don't have much to do with Dad - a call here and there. My Mom is my world, my hero, my best friend, my crying partner, my laughing partner, my guide, My MOM! She takes the place of my Mom and my Dad all in one. An amazaing lady. Here is our story:

In August 2008 our Mom (I have one sister) was diagnosed with what was thought to be stage II uterine cancer. She was assured by doctors it was caught early and was in the best place cancer can be. After surgery (a complete oophorectomy)and further testing we found out it had progressed farther than we originally thought (they didn't take her lymph nodes)and when they had her opened they saw it was stage 3. Now she faced months of chemotherapy and radiation, which she was told was only for precaution. Three months later, she went to get a check up, expecting she had a clean bill of health, but instead leaving the doctors office now knowing her cancer had metastasized to her lungs, colon and bowels. Not much hope was given to us that day. We were told they could only do chemo and only hope that it would slow down the spread. This was the most devastating news we have ever dealt with in our lives (at that point). My husband did hours upon hours of research hoping he would find something with a potentially better outcome.

Approximately three weeks later she was transferred to a new doctor at Princess Margaret Hospital in Ontario, Canada (where we live) where they tried a new trial medication in hopes of not

only slowing the spread but stopping it in its tracks. It helped two areas of her cancer (they didn't grow at all) but her bowel cancer kept growing. That cancer started to sweat causing her to bloat and feel very uncomfortable. They needed to drain her tummy every week getting about 10 pounds of liquid each time (she looked pregnant). Being so boated Mom didn't feel like eating and giving her IV would go to all of the wrong places, such as her lungs and she would have drowned.

Mom went downhill very fast once she gave up eating due to vomiting each time she tried. She suffered only a short while (about 2 weeks, she was violently ill) and passed away peacefully at home with her whole family around her bedside on January 23rd, 2010 exactly 4 months after hearing her cancer had spread. She fought her hardest but was beat by this terrible disease! Rest In Peace Mom!

Things are starting to sink in now and I am totally heartbroken and I feel like I dont know how to go on without her. I want her so badly and miss her like crazy. My security blanket is gone! She always wanted a grandchild from my husband and I as we were just married in July 2009 (her and my dad gave me away) and she really wanted one even before that as we have been dating 10 years and married 7 months. I couldn't give her a baby (4 years ago until about now) because my husband was ill with epilepsy and was having 4-5 grand mal sezuires a day. We were very stressed. When we calmed down and got his meds under control to stop the seizures Mom was diagnosed with Cancer. I asked the doctor if I could get pregnant and he said "no". He told me at this high stress level with learning my Mom has cancer I would either not be able to get pregnant and if I did, I might lose it. She never bothered my sister as she has 4 kids whom my Mom was like a second mother to. Her wish was for ME to have a baby. I never got the chance and I am so angry about that. It hurts me everyday and I want my unborn child (not even prggers yet) to have THAT grandma that would have been his/her life as she is my life. I hate myself for not giving her what she wanted years ago.

I know I have rambled long enough....how do I overcome my night terrors of Mom in her coffin and where should I direct my anger, sadness, frustration and every other emotion I feel???

[beautifulmistakes]

I am so sorry , what a sad loss for you. Lean into your husband, let him help. I know that can't replace your mothers love, believe me, I know. When I lost my Mom and Granny within 2 months of each other in 2008,they were the last of the females in my family that I feel close to. Now, I am so alone. I have 2 brothers and a Dad who thinks his grief is the only one that matters and we are all just burdnes to him. But I am so lost without them, I miss them everyday and cry so many nights. I wish I had somebody who cared how I was feeling, who tried to make me feel better, but I don't. I made the choice many years ago to never marry or have children and I never regretted it until now when I have nobody who understands or cares about me. Its weird, at 50, I still want my mommy when I am sick or I want to call her to tell her of an accomplishment and hear her pride and love for me, but that is no longer in my life. I know you are hurting and you will for a very long time, your life is forever changed. But hold on to those who care that you are hurting and who want to love you through it. Don't let anybody tell you its time to be o.k. When you are blessed with that baby (I believe you will be, your mother will make sure of it) tell her EVERYTHING EVERYDAY about her/his amazing grandmother. She/he is probably getting to know her grandbaby right now and telling them all your little secrets.

You will see your mother in your babys eyes.....hold tight to that and be open to it.

Best of wishes and I hope you get to meet that little bundle of joy soon.

Kathy

[green2010]

I'm so sorry for your loss. It seems like when we need doctors the most, they show how human they are. My Mom's doctors told her she was doing great, two months later she was gone.

I understand your feelings about wishing you gave your Mom a grandchild. Try to remember though that the worst thing a person can do is have a child for someone else. You will have your children when it's the right time for you and your husband. Your Mom's wish for you will come true in time, if it's meant to be, so don't have any regrets.

Yes, it would have been great for your children to know your Mom (my Mom would have been the best Grandma ever!) but the reality is, you might not have had as much time for your Mom if you had kids. There is a reason for everything. We have to trust that there was a good reason we didn't have children for our Moms to meet.

Your loss is very new, so your feelings are still raw. I felt like you did about the baby issue when my Mom first passed away, I would wake up feeling awful about it. So much guilt and regret! I had a knot in my stomach about it and a huge void in my heart. But now that I have had some time to adjust to her being gone, I don't look at it that way anymore. I know that I was able to spend more time with her and focus my energy on her much more so than I could have if I had kids. So give yourself some time.

[SandraH]

Thank you both for your sympathetic replies as I needed that so much especially today! Today its been a month and even though it feels like it happened yesterday I feel like I havent been with her for 10 years at the same time. It brings me comfort to think that Mom is picking me an angel as my baby and will send him/her to me once she is finished making my angel perfect! I hope they are having Grandma time right now as I write this and that when she is finished I will get pregnant and see my Mom in my angels eyes as my angel has already met Grandma before and knows who she is before he/she even knows who I am! Thank you so much for your support and I am here for both of you as well if you ever need a rant a rave or a warm message (female) written Kathy!

With Love,

Sandra