Depression And Support

[missyme]

I have been dragging myself through each day since I lost my brother. I know I am not myself but am trying to stay focused at home and at work. This morning it caught up with me and I literally couldn't get out of bed. I called in sick and stayed in bed all day. I honestly couldn't face the day. Everyone in my life tells me to take care of myself. My husband, however, is now angry with me, saying that calling in sick and staying in bed all day is "dysfunctional". What do you think?

[Sherri Boo]

I lost my sister on Oct. 17, 2009 and sometimes I feel like staying in bed all day. we all feel grief and go through grief at different paces and styles.

[Susie Q]

Men often feel the need to cope differently. I used 6 months of sick leave to help me through the loss of my husband. And I felt sick. I'm back at work and just barely hanging in there now.

Maybe he's worried that you are slipping into a state that's serious, and just expressed that harshly.

A day in bed to recharge your batteries, regain some inner strength and maybe just help with the physical exhaustion is good sense if that's what you feel you need. It's not 'dysfunctional'. Talk to him about what you need and why it helped.

[missyme]

Thanks for the support. I probably will discuss with him what happened today and why it needed to happen. I feel like he thinks my grief is indulgent. When he lost his mother he was back at work the next day. I have been keeping it together for everyone around me who is in shock and hurting and I think this morning I just didn't have it in me. It is not at all like me to miss work, ever. But I have heard of people taking "mental health days" for far less than this. I just feel like his lack of support and the tension between us took away the benefit I would have felt from taking a time out today.

[Korina]

I don't think a day from work is indulgent at all. You need to be able to take care of yourself if you are to recover from such a loss, and learn to live in this new reality. I do believe it is true that most men process grief differently than women, but then, we all process it in our own unique way. I have tried to trust my instincts, and so far, they seem to have been pretty good. I am sure your husband loves you, but maybe thinks that jumping into everyday life will help you get back to normal, or more accurately, your new normal. That may work for some, but if you don't take the time to acknowledge your grief, it may catch up with you in an unhealthy way (though none of this really feels healthy, does it!?). I know for a fact, I could not have jumped back into work after my husband died.

All my best to you both.

Korina