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Finding Certain Family Relationships Disappearing

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hi All,

I sit in work today and just cannot concentrate at all to do anything, I just cannot careless about it today so going to have a rant here to my dear good friends so here goes...

I have 3 first cousins who are/were like brothers and sister to me growing up (I'm an only child). We were always the best of friends.2 of them no longer live in this country but we always talked regularly especially one of the boys and me. He's the one Dad & I went to visit on our last holiday to New York last October. The girl lives near me and works in same company. They lost their Mom (who was a second Mom to me and another best friend) 4 years ago.Looking back now I remember finding it hard to talk with her over the following couple of years, always felt she cared about nothing but herself, now I realise it's this grief thing (altho I try to still ask my friends about their lives etc).Anyways now I hardly talk with her at all, I find it so hard (she was probably never the easiest anyways emotionally but definitely so much harder after her Mom died) but now I find it impossible to talk to her. She's very good to my Mom, calling her, taking her for dinner etc. Mom told her last week that I am finding it hard to talk to her and that I had said maybe it's coz she was so close to my Dad aswell. Truth is I have no clue why, I just don't know what to say. I tell her about stupid meaningless work stuff, sometimes I complain about work and I never get the reaction I want.I've been thinking about it last few days and I think I am just missing my Dad's reaction, he would always say the right thing and there's nobody now who would say anything like Dad would. So now she has stopped texting me, stopped asking me to go for breaks in work .....I guess she's keeping her distance. When I have in the past talked about how I truly feel she just says nothing but "yeah" so that makes me extremely uncomfortable so I've long stopped talking about how I feel to her. I guess I thought maybe she'd open up about how she felt after her Mom ....she's done that with my Mom but not me.I just wish she would send the odd text or something just to say I'm thinking of you. She told me friday maybe the sunshine and good weather coming would give me some happy hormones.....YEAH RIGHT, sunshine is all I need ..... I said nothing. I hate the sunshine so much now, reminds me of too much, it's too painful so when not at work I stay at home out of the sun most of the time wishing for the nightime.

The 2 boys I no longer hear from, in fact one who managed to get back for the funeral never said so much as sorry to me when he was here, never once mentioned anything to me about what happened. Again he was close to Dad so maybe he's having a hard time. he did email me back in January letting me know how he felt after his Mom died and just said someday somebody will come to my life and a chance comes to "snap" me out of this to a certain extent. Heard nothing from him since. He calls Mom once in a while and also said to her that he knows I am distancing myself from them and he understands ....but again send me a friggin email, a facebook comment, something to just say he cares if he does.

The other guy in USA doesn't call much anymore, odd time to Mom but again no contact to me.

I guess they don't have a clue what to say to me, they know how close Dad & I are/were (UGH hate evening writing WERE!!!!). Here's the thing, I just don't think I care anymore, whatever , good for you all if you've handled your Mom's death and managed to live again. I just can't talk to them and wonder if in time they just won't care anymore either, will have lost patience with me.....I don't know but for now I don't care.

There is a fourth girl there but our relationship disappeared long before this so I have zero tolerance for her now, hate the way she treats my Mom, all talk about "being there" but never ever picks up the phone to her. I'm so over playing "happy families" with her so hope I can avoid her in future when she visits.

I feel so lonely without Daddy. I adore my Mom but it's not the same. Nobody will ever love me like Dad, nobody will ever be there for me like him and I will never love anyone like him. He was constant, he was always there whenever for whatever and I'm just a lost lonely soul now wandering the earth without meaning.

anyone else finding relationsips hard be it family or friends? Is it that they were close to Dad (he was like a father to them too, their parents separated when they were kids) so they are grieving now too although they still smile and carry on with life unlike me.

:wub: love and hugs to all of you & thanks as always for taking the time.


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I find that sometimes I'm really angry even now and it has been almost a year since I lost my grandpa...who was more of a father to me than mine ever was. I find that if I remind myself that people says stupid things, but that I do too sometimes and that I was thoughtless when many of my friends were grieving because I had never experienced it it helps me keep that in perspective and remember that I may just be mad and directing it at them. I found the first spring and summer to feel suffocating so I hear you on the wanting to hide from the sun...it was like the green of spring felt heavy, heavy heart, sad head, etc... People wanted me to feel better and what I found was that I preferred when they stopped asking so I could grieve alone and process with the one or two people that really understood and stay on the surface with others so I could function in the work world and even the family world, because so many of my family just don't want to talk about it or deal with it in the same way I need to now and needed to then... I feel different as time goes on, but I still miss grandpa and wouldn't want that to stop... Hugs

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Hi Niamh ! Yes I know exactly what you're talking about ! I come from a very small family, so you would think I'd treasure every single relative, But that's not true right now. I have an Aunt that I haven't talked to since my Dad's funeral (3 months!) The thing is she wasn't at all supportive when he died and so I'm feeling resentful ! She asks my Mom about me all the time, and my Mom just tells her I'm not ready to talk to anyone yet ! The truth is I don't feel like making "Small talk" with anyone. I just want to be alone with my thoughts (as bad and painful as they are!) It sounds like "Pastmidnite" really gets what we are saying too ! Also about the Springtime thing, How's that been going with you ? I'm sadly finding it seems to be getting worse everyday (Every flower that blooms,every bird building a nest,every sunny day,etc.etc.) Believe me- I really would like to write something positive in these posts, but I just can't find anything, I know most "normal" people would think I should just be happy I'm alive- But it's quite the opposite. Every time I look at my Dad's pictures I fall apart, I want to look at them but it just breaks my heart to see his beautiful smiling face. Does that ever happen to you ? Again I truly don't know what I would do without all of you here !! I really feel like there's NO ONE else that understands, And it seems like they are all losing their patience with me !! Thank-you my beautiful,caring friends!! Love and Hugs ! xoxo :)

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thanks pastmidnight, I'm so sorry for you losing your Grandpa. yeah I try to just ignore what i feel are insensitive comments, I ignore for a while then it bubbles up so I vent it here rather than directly at the person ! Suffocating, that's a good word for how I feel with the "nice" warm weather. yep like you I try so hard now to avoid it when people ask how I am other than a few really close friends who genuinely want to know. Otherwise I flip it asking how they are and just listening to them.you know I like the way you said "I feel different as time goes on" ....I prefer that so much to the word "better" coz I'm just not sick. one day at a time I guess for now, it's all I can do at the mo.

thanks and hugs back at ya :)

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thanks Jodo, aw sorry about your Aunt not being there. oh yeah I hear you on the small talk. I have no probs (most of the time) listening to my friends, asking about things going on in their lives but the generic chat with people in work etc I just can't do it. Oh the Springtime is killing me. The weekend was so beautiful here and truth is i spent most of it inside crashed out watching tv with curtains closed because it is really crushing my heart even more seeing it.last time I wore t-shirts was walking around Wash DC with Dad, the reminder is just too much for me. Monday I did go up to Dad and just sat down there for about 30mins crying and writing in a journal....it's like that's the only time I want to be outside in the sun is going to visit him.

oh hun I know what you mean about the pictures, honestly I actually can't look, I have a few on my phone that I try every so often I end up putting the phone away. (can't go near anything on my computer ...I used to download all his pics from his camera). I made an enquiry about a month ago for memoriam cards, I found some photos on my comp of my parents holiday in Dubai.....found some lovely backgrounds for the cards but then I just couldn't go through and look for photos of Dad for them so I've left it for now. I just feel my heart will burst completely looking at them and I actually think part of me is afraid of the fact that there are only a finite number of photos, what if I get sick of looking at the same ones yet it's all I have coz I can't get any new ones? Funny thing is in the last year or so it was always on my mind we don't take enough photos....weird !!!!

I was so frustrated yesterday when I wrote yet at the same time I was emotionally numb if that makes any sense? I tried thinking of him last night and just couldn't, just lay in bed trying to work out what the hell happened with my life. Today I do feel a little more emotional (along with a sniffly cold..gggrr) but I feel it's gonna crash down on me today or tmrw. Tmrw is his 66th birthday. Have made no plans with Mom, no dinner out or anything....not even sure if she knows, I've kinda been afraid to mention it, she's been having a hard time the last week or so.

yep I do find comfort with you loulou and I being on the same time frame with this. I obviously really do appreciate all the others who take time aswell, those who've come that little bit farther than us but we're bang smack in the middle right now not seeing any light so there's a real daily understanding there.

much hugs and love to you from across the miles Jodo and thanks as always, I can never thank you all enough really !! xox

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