Wednesday It Will Be 6 Months Since Dad Passed

[Daughter2010]

I am feeling so strange these past couple of days. I have felt someone emotionless. No tears, maybe feeling numb...

Wednesday 28th it will be 6 months since Daddy's passing. Today on my way home from the grocery store, there was this song on the radio about Jesus calling all of us home, and it just drove me to tears. I just cannot comprehend how is it that Daddy is not here with us anymore. Why him, why cancer, why so young. So many why's...and not a single answer.

I know there is nothing that will make me feel better about my dad not being here, and I know it would be selfish of me to want him to be here, when he is now resting in peace. I just miss him so much, and there are days that I don't know how to keep moving forward without him. I have tried hard, I don't even know how I managed to get back to work and function only a week after his passing. All of this is so difficult. I haven't seen him in my dreams in a long long while. But every picture of him brings me a smile and tears at the same time. I wish time machines existed...so I could go back in time and be able to help daddy, maybe find treatment for his cancer at an earlier stage, or something that would have prevented him from going through what he experienced.

I know many times we go through difficult situations and learn something valuable from them. I don't know if i have learned something from this. All I know is I go through the motions and I wished none of this would have happened. I don't want to sound like a broken record, it is just that I miss my daddy sooo much, I would love to see his smile again.

I don't want to stop missing him, my father is part of my life and will always be.

I just wanted to express how I feel. I have no words to describe my emotions today, only tears.

Thanks for listening

-L

[niamh]

hi sweetie,

UGH tough days ahead for you, I'm so sorry.

wow that song coming on the radio.....don't you wonder is it a sign, I've turned on the radio and played music in my car so much the last week and feel like I am waiting for a song to touch me ....oh it's just a never ending search for something.

And all the whys you have I also have, the frustration of just not knowing....what is life all about really and truly, why do we have to endure this pain and torture.

my Dad used always say everything happens for a reason and when you're knee deep in the badness you can't see any good from it but eventually something good comes from it. I always believed that but this time like you, it's not gonna happen. There is nothing good can ever come from this. Every single thing that happens in life from now on will have this with me, it will never go away.

You are definitely not a broken record and I for one will never tire of listening to someone say they miss their loved one.

sending you lots of hugs and love and always here to listen

niamh

[Kavish]

I am with you when I remember my friend, every time I say I am sorry asking for you to help me when you should be resting. But I think I have to just look inside my self I will find her in my heart. She keeps reminding me to look inside my heart.

Thanks,

Kavish

[2sweetgirls]

Hi daughter2010,

I'm so sorry that you are just going through the motions of life in your time of grief. I feel the same way at times. I keep remembering what my mom said to me just a week or so before she passed. She said "I enjoyed you and your brother when you were little, now it's your turn". I try but, at times, the pain is too much.

I, too, wish there could be a time machine. Just to be able to hold her real tight (the last time I saw before she passed was four months prior)and tell her that I love her soooooooo much and that I'm sorry.

I had a dream a couple of weeks ago. I saw mom from behind closing the blinds in an unknown location(this was weird because she was always opening the blinds to let the light in) as if to tell me there is no more light, just darkness. Then, suddenly, I was on a 3 way conversation with mom, dad and me. My dad was saying why did you leave us, we love you, etc. She said I know but this is my destiny. I asked her how it was up in heaven, she went silent and I woke up. I have thought about it a lot and have mixed emotions about it. Of all the things to ask her - why that? Why didn't she talk to me? Is she mad? I don't know what to think.

I know how you went to work a week after your dad's passing.......pure shock. I still feel in shock and disbelief sometimes. I have actually picked up the phone to call mom just to smack myself into reality that I wasn't going to be able to talk to her.

Anyway, please don't stop writing because it helps us all and I will not tire of it. We all have similar emotions. You are not alone.

Please try to have a peaceful day.

[niamh]

hi L,

Just wanted to send a msg to say I'm thinking of you today. I can only imagine how tough today is, I have a couple of months to go yet. But I know every single month on that day my heart breaks another bit.

I have no real words of comfort but I am with you in tears, in grief and sending you some love, hugs and peace for today.

niamh,xo

[Daughter2010]

Thank you all for your kind words. They mean so much to me, especially that you listen to what I say and that it is ok so sound like a broken record some times.

Yes, this morning I said a prayer for dad, and my family and started my work day. I was kept very busy but on the way home in my car I just broke down in tears sobbing like a 5 yr old....literally.

Mom visited dad's grave today, as she usually does, every 3 days or so. Since I live away I just cant be there as often as I would like, but I constantly communicate with mom and my brothers.

Today is the 6th month mark and still everything seems so surreal. At times my dad's voice on the phone comes to mind. His recomendations, his questions, his desire to help. My feeling of frustration against the situation still lingers in me,seeing his sickness and not being able to find the solution to his cancer to fully recover from it. Life would have been sooo different. I am still adjusting to my new reality, and it is hard. I wonder if I grieve enough, I hope I am not suppressing any feelings or emotions nor my pain. My job is very active, and keeps me quite busy everyday, so that keeps me going, and I have never broken down at work, i usually do when I get home, although the crying has lessened a little bit.

I guess it is part of the journey. Thank you all for your kindness, understanding, and support. It has been of great value to me. You all are like my second family.

-L