I Do Not Feel Like I Am Getting Better

[Aquarius7]

Every day gets worse. I am literally falling apart. The memorial service is this week and today we talked about it.

We met with the priest. Whereas I was kind of getting a little better, now I feel it is getting worse as the memorial service nears. And after that there is no more turning back. Later we will have to do the succession and all that stuff I hate. The insecurities in my life are making me much worse I believe. Had I had some security and had a house of my own, I would be handling it all a lot better. In fact, I think I can feel something happening inside of me. Might be an ulcer. Don't know. This is all so awful. It is never ending it seems. I really need help.

[MartyT]

Yes, my friend, you really do need help, and I can only reiterate what was said in an earlier post . Please contact your local hospice organization (or ask the priest or the mortuary handling your mother's service) for information about whatever bereavement services are available in your community. If you think you may be developing a stomach ulcer, make an appointment with your primary care physician and get yourself checked out immediately. It is up to you to take care of yourself now. (Have you been reading Shelley's posts (aka Starkiss)? You do not have to go through this all alone, and it's essential that you reach out as soon as possible for the help that is there for you! (And Shelley, if you read this, please feel free to jump in here and share your hard-won insights with Aquarius!)

[STARKISS]

Hi Aquarius7,

Marty is right you do not have to do this all alone, that is one thing I have learned from all of this... I lost both parents in one year, moved out of my parent's house where I lived for over thirty years, left my job and all my friends and neighbours behind... I moved to a strange city where the only people I knew were my family... I got to the point that I would not leave the house and sat in my room all the time, I was just happy staying home...I screamed at my 10 year neice one day that January for no reason and felt so horrible for doing it and felt that there was a problem inside of me so I went on the internet and looked up psychotherapists in my area and got the courage to email one of them and told them what was going on and the therapist called me at home and we talked for a few minutes and I was able to bring myself to go and meet with her and talk about things that were going on with me... Discovered that it was not only the grief bothering me but that my father had sexual, emotionally, verbally and p physically abused me and that I also had some buried issues with my mom as well... I also had a very bad problem with self confidence and self esteem and being verbally abused by my neice and my brother in law too.. But I have been in therapy since January 2010 and I have started to forgive mmy father and I have forgiven my mom for other reasons and I am started to feel better about myself and my life... I still struggle with daily problems that I have such as verbally being abused and feeling suicudal sometimes but I know have a very, very good support team that I am working with such as a psychotherapist, my family doctor, art therapist, and in the near future because I might be ADD or ADHD I will add a psychiatrist to my support team.... I wish I could say my family is the biggest part of my support team but most of them are the cause of my problems right now...

I also all every here on this site who are more of a family than my real one is... So you see there are many people out there who are willing to help you get your life back on track all you need is a little courage to take the first step... I did not want to take that step but I am really glad I did... Shelley

[Aquarius7]

Thanks Shelley and thanks Marty!

I am seeing a grief conselor. My Mom was in hospice and I am seeing the hospice organization's grief conselor. She has been great and been very patient with me. She also came to my Mom's service.

This is going to be a very long road and I know I cannot do it alone. I feel certain people in my family are going to want to hurry through this process and I simply cannot and will not. I can barely get up in the morning and have not been sleeping well at all.

But! I did play my drums tonight for the first time in about a month! That was a major milestone because doing it feels so strange. My Mom used to listen to me practice and going out of my music room and not having her there for any comments or feedback is simply destroying me. Sometimes she would even come ask me to stop playing and I even miss that a lot too. But mostly she would praise me and just knowing she was listening was enough. She even had her own earmuffs if it was too loud for her. All the years of playing music she was there for me and was my biggest fan.

Being in the house without her is a major challenge. It just feels so weird! It is so quiet and so lonely. I still cannot believe that she is never, ever coming back! Why did God do this to me?! I have not been perfect nor claim to be, but why must this all have happened now?!

And it is not just her absence that has me grieving. It is my future and financial situation. I am scared to death about everything! I feel there is little hope and that my life will never be as happy as it once was. Had I a stable and guaranteed income and secure financial situation, this whole situation would not be as bad as it is. As I have said, my whole life has changed and I am sure will change some more. I don't like it one bit and am dreading the future.

I am also supposed to have an operation soon. I don't know if I can afford it.

I can't stand any of this.

[STARKISS]

Hi Aquarius7,

I am now at the five year mark for the death of my mom and will be at that point in August of this year for my dad... I must admit I lost a couple of years along the way... I was talking with my therapist and I am presently working on a drawing book about my life which includes good times and bad ones... My therapist asked me why I had no pictures for the years 2006, 2007, 2008, I told her other than birthdays or anniversaries I could not remember anything from those years... I asked her if I would ever remember and she said i might remember sometime later in life... But now it is just I need to find another job and start living my life like I am suppose but without my mom or dad..If anything good has come out of this it is that I grown up inside I am not the weak little girl anymore who needed mom and dad to do everything for me... I have done some stuff now for the first time ever in my life... Such as taking the train and going to different cities all by myself, attending the doctors and dentist all by myself... so you see there have been some good things from all of the badness... Shelley