It Has Been 5 Months.

[Suzanne R.]

I wish everyone would not have had to go through this. I've been thinking all day that today being June 22nd it was 5 months ago since January 22 that my husband Dan has been gone. I am still heartbroken, and longing to leave this earth if only just to stop this aching heart and heal the bittersweet memories that have passed, but for some reason only God knows I am still here. Everything I do are just temporary distractions until the day I will be gone too, but He is getting me through each day somehow. I still have moments of grief and sadness and crying because he isn't here to tell me to "take care of my arthritic knee, you really should have that checked out" or that he's "worried about me because of the pain I feel from an abdominal muscle when I turn a certain way" or in the middle of the night when I get a muscle cramp in my calf or my foot as he would massage my leg, and only he would be able to relieve me of the pain. He also used to give me a foot massage and I remember laughing because he used his own idea of a rolling-pin technique. Now whenever I laugh when I'm at home alone, I can't help but cry by myself because he's not here to laugh with any more. Now I am so alone and I'll never see him again in this life and he'll never see me, he'll never give me an embrace for no other reason than he happened to be close by so it was the only thing to do. (an inside joke of ours) And it always happens when I "forget" that he's gone and I'm in deep in thought when I'm doing research on something important or not so important and when I'm done and ready to talk to him about what I've been doing on the computer I burst into tears because then I remember he's not here to tell. All my life I always remember hearing that we are not going to live forever and that we are all going in the same direction. But at the age of 61 he and I had so much more life left and so much more to do and now I would hope I don't have to live past the age of 56. I know I won't be celebrating any more birthdays because when Danny died, I did too, so now I will forever be 56 in my eyes because Danny will always be 61. With all the pain going on in my heart, in my life, with my family and with everyone's sorrow how long can we take it. I have been full of sadness today and pray everyone has peace somehow. Thank you for allowing me to express my feelings.

God bless,

Suzanne

[Korina]

There are many things that aren't the same when you are alone... we used to always watch movies in the dvd. Now, I think I may have watched one movie alone - it just isn't the same... I can watch them if others are around, but I just can't alone. Though I have no problem if the movies are on tv. Go figure.

Waiting for a call at work, saying hi as I walk through the door, crap! It sucks!

But we must keep putting that foot out in front of the other.

Korina

[Cheryl]

Suzanne, I often feel similar. It has been 10 months for me and I am only 45. The best advice I have gotten is to embrace the sadness and greive when I feel so alone and sad. It is getting easier for me. On the really bad days i spend alot of time crying and on the better days I set a small goal. Sometimes a bike ride or a walk. In the beginning I hid from all my friends and didn't want to talk to or face anyone. I took a big step and i am volunteering on mondays at a homeless shelter for families. I play with the children for two hours. It is a small amount of time but it has helped me know that there are people, children who can benefit from my giving. Please know that your are normal and that you are not alone. Thankyou for sharing your feelings. It helps me know that i am like you. Cheryl