Tough Day

[Cheryl]

I woke up yesterday ready for a great weekend, excited to go for a bike ride and work in the yard by the pool. After the bike ride I put on some inspirational music about heaven that I had given me strength the week before. Big back fire. It triggered a deep sadness and longing to be in heaven with me Mark. I kept picturing him singing the song about how awesome heaven was and it was better than I could imagine. That he couldn't wait to share it with me someday. How did this help me last week?

It got worse when my daughter (16) broke down in tears. She sat at the table tears streaming down her face. Her friends had canceled on her for the evening. She told me nobody wanted to be around her because her dad died and no one could relate to her pain. She has to hide her pain and pretend that life is good. She told me she felt all alone. Forced to growup and face tragedy and pain while all her friends are worried about guys and clothes. She worries about how to survive the pain and lonliness. She was very close to her dad and a real Daddy's Girl. I know there is nothing I can say to fix her pain. Trying to tell her it's okay only makes her feel like I'm ignoring her pain and not listening. I told her I knew she was hurting and I wished I could fix the problem. I understood the lonliness and lack of support from those around her. I tired to remind her that grief surges forward and seems unrelenting but that she could get through this moment, then the next hour then the evening. She begged me to make it all go away and let her just have our normal life back.

I have never been angry at Mark for dieing. But at that moment I was really angry at him for causing all this pain. He made the mistake on the motorcycle. He was goofing off and going too fast! He has destroyed our family. Just as quickly the anger left and the guilt hit me. How could I be angry at Mark? Yes, he was being reckless, but the pain that it has caused would break his very soul. His entire life was devoted to these kids and me. The last thing he would want is to break our hearts. So I just hugged my poor girl and told her it was okay to feel so horrible. That there are people in our lives that will never understand our pain. But she was doing great at survivng and working really hard at fitting in.

Then we washed her dad's truck, filled it with cushions and pillows and she went to the drive-in with a couple diffrent friends. Later they met up with others for icecream at the Sugarbowl. Evening saved!

My day had been stressful, too much crying once again. I was so tired and worn out. My son and I cooked hotdogs, so much for the panini's and summer salad I had planned. Just too much work. We watched a show about Hoarders on TV. Which really made me feel good about my house!

I'm not sure why I made this post. Maybe I just wanted for someone to hear my story that understands. If any of you have kids that are trying to grieve it might help to hear your words. It has helped to get it out of my heart.

Tomorrow is the beginning of another week. It was 10 months ago friday, that Mark died. Feels like 10 days sometimes. Cheryl

[MartyT]

Cheryl, dear ~ Bless your heart. You are such a good mom ♥

I just now read a post on the Widow's Voice blog ~ it reads as if you had written it yourself. May it bring you a small measure of comfort today to know that you and your precious daughter are not alone: The Other Side

[Cheryl]

Thankyou Marty,

I just read the blog. It does mirror my life. Mark and I spent our married life protecting these kids, planning their perfect childhood. Providing for there every need. We thought we had complete control. Our plan was in place and we knew what we wanted for them and for ourselves. His death is a complete loss of control. Our lives are all shattered. It is very hard to see a child suffer and harder to know that you can't make the pain go away.

Thakyou for telling me I'm a good mom. I often wonder if my tears and sadness are going to screw them up. I do know that I will be there for them. I may not always be at my best, but I will be there. I still want them to have a childhood they can look back on and see as happy. It's been 10 months since Mark died. I can see the changes in our grief. We are begining to be a family again. We are begining to plan family activities and begining to laugh more and cry less. I'm starting to know that we are going to get through this.

Thanks again, Cheryl

[niamh]

Cheryl,

I'm so sorry for your pain and for your daughters ....wow so so young to lose her Daddy. I know no age is a good age but to only have 16 years with him is so heartbreaking.

Friends cancelling on her is horrible, I know that feeling and it's so magnified now without our Dads here, I don't ask friends to do anything anymore, I will wait until they ask or suggest because I simply cannot cope with them saying no, feels like such rejection when I try to reach out. So her friends cancelling on her to them doesn't seem like much, but to your daughter it's maybe like another blow to her already shocked system. Even as adults we struggle with grief, as a 16 year I cannot imagine and my heart just goes out to her so much.

I feel so much for your daughter because I too am such a Daddy's girl. Hearing you talk about her sitting at the table with tears streaming ....that is me, with my Mom so many times in the last 6 months.

Altho I am 35, I still live at home and have never ever been so glad that I still am at home. I have no siblings and I know I my Mom & I are just keeping each other going, she is all I live for these days. I don't feel like a grown up when it comes to the loss of my Dad, I feel like a lost child, we were so close I can't even describe it. I am 6 months in and I still find it so hard, the loneliness can be so crippling at times, the loss of security of Dad not being here but I can say this, just talking to others on here gives me comfort knowing someone else can relate to this. Does your daughter attend any grief groups or anything like that ? I wish I had the right words but I don't ,as you know, nothing can really fix her pain but if she could somehow find someone who can relate in a group or something like that or point her to an online site ... I know you are on this one but maybe there's another site she could go to, maybe something for teens trying to deal with loss of a parent. It doesn't take away the pain as you know but at least if she knows there is another 16 yr old kid who can say "I know how you feel", it might bring her the tinest bit of comfort that she's not the only one in the world. But it takes talking to someone to realise that, if someone told me that before I found this site I would not have listened, I would have said I was the only one who felt like I did.

So heartbreaking for you also Cheryl, you are dealing with your grief and your loss yet you also have young children grieving, whatta a mess, such an understatement I know, there are no words to describe such a horror. Your Mark sounds so like my Dad, devoted to family and doing anything to hurt them would be the last thing they'd want.

All I can do is send you and your family love, hugs, comfort and strength from another Daddy's girl. I wish I could give your daughter a hug, brings tears to my eyes, she's just so so young and it's all so wrong.

niamh

xx

I wish we could just reverse all these horrible things happening to everyone.

[Cheryl]

Thankyou niamh for your kind words.

Dads are so special to girls. Amy and her dad spent a lot of time together. One month before he died they were able to spend a whole day together riding quads in the mountains of Colorado. He coached her for track and they often studied geography together. He was the fun one in our family, always singing a goofy song or wanting to run off and do some fun activity. I can say that he was her best friend.

The three of us are attendng a grief support group for families called "New Song". The kids are each in groups with other kids their own age and the adults meet as well. It has helped to be meet kids like herself. It has also helped me, to be with other parents. We are on summer break. I think we all are missing the group. She is also seeing a therapist once a month. She has been instrumental in having Amy set goals and learn coping skills.

I remember being a teen and how hard it was. Imagine teens who are suffering like all of us on the site. It's a wonder they become healthy adults.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My dad died suddenly 5 years ago and I remember my mom's pain and my own suffering. It took me about a year before I started to find real relief. I was a Daddy's girl also. My dad's example is what led me to picking my husband. They were very alike and became deep friends. I often tell my Mom that Dad was on the other side embracing Mark when he died and greeting him. I'm so glad you are close to your Mom. I hope together your journey will be easier.

Big Hugs, Cheryl

[Korina]

Sounds like you and your daughter will be of great support to each other. Our daughter was only 4.5 months old when Scott died, so my worry is how I will help her know her dad as she gets older.

Korina