Cheryl Posted June 27, 2010 Report Share Posted June 27, 2010 I woke up yesterday ready for a great weekend, excited to go for a bike ride and work in the yard by the pool. After the bike ride I put on some inspirational music about heaven that I had given me strength the week before. Big back fire. It triggered a deep sadness and longing to be in heaven with me Mark. I kept picturing him singing the song about how awesome heaven was and it was better than I could imagine. That he couldn't wait to share it with me someday. How did this help me last week? It got worse when my daughter (16) broke down in tears. She sat at the table tears streaming down her face. Her friends had canceled on her for the evening. She told me nobody wanted to be around her because her dad died and no one could relate to her pain. She has to hide her pain and pretend that life is good. She told me she felt all alone. Forced to growup and face tragedy and pain while all her friends are worried about guys and clothes. She worries about how to survive the pain and lonliness. She was very close to her dad and a real Daddy's Girl. I know there is nothing I can say to fix her pain. Trying to tell her it's okay only makes her feel like I'm ignoring her pain and not listening. I told her I knew she was hurting and I wished I could fix the problem. I understood the lonliness and lack of support from those around her. I tired to remind her that grief surges forward and seems unrelenting but that she could get through this moment, then the next hour then the evening. She begged me to make it all go away and let her just have our normal life back. I have never been angry at Mark for dieing. But at that moment I was really angry at him for causing all this pain. He made the mistake on the motorcycle. He was goofing off and going too fast! He has destroyed our family. Just as quickly the anger left and the guilt hit me. How could I be angry at Mark? Yes, he was being reckless, but the pain that it has caused would break his very soul. His entire life was devoted to these kids and me. The last thing he would want is to break our hearts. So I just hugged my poor girl and told her it was okay to feel so horrible. That there are people in our lives that will never understand our pain. But she was doing great at survivng and working really hard at fitting in. Then we washed her dad's truck, filled it with cushions and pillows and she went to the drive-in with a couple diffrent friends. Later they met up with others for icecream at the Sugarbowl. Evening saved! My day had been stressful, too much crying once again. I was so tired and worn out. My son and I cooked hotdogs, so much for the panini's and summer salad I had planned. Just too much work. We watched a show about Hoarders on TV. Which really made me feel good about my house! I'm not sure why I made this post. Maybe I just wanted for someone to hear my story that understands. If any of you have kids that are trying to grieve it might help to hear your words. It has helped to get it out of my heart. Tomorrow is the beginning of another week. It was 10 months ago friday, that Mark died. Feels like 10 days sometimes. Cheryl Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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