Feeling So Lonely

[niamh]

I miss my Daddy so so so much. I'm feeling SO LONELY. I've been hating the summer weather because of all the reminders. Now it's raining, dull and dreary and it's reminding me of winter, end of the year and reminders of all the horrors.

I feel lonely no matter whether I am on my own or around people, nothing will ever fill this emptiness, I really feel dead inside, that now I'm just a shell with all these living organs that won't stop working. Just feeling like Dad deserted me and left me here to fend for myself when I just don't want to, I just barely exist now. I'm still annoyed that he no longer has to care or worry about anything in this life, I'm angry that I've been left here to deal with this all on my own never knowing the day nor the hour when I will see him again. I beg him everyday not to leave me here too long.

I need my Dad so much, I need a hug from him, I just want a real good long chat with him, I need his support, his unconditional love. I just want him here to hold me and tell me it will be ok. I can't do a whole other lifetime without him. I am so weary from life, from the last 29 weeks to the day, so broken from the pain of it all knowing the only fix will be the day I get to be with him.

I just want to hit the fast forward button, it's not like I will miss out on anything, it's already ended as far as I am concerned.

I JUST WANT MY DADDY BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UGH ok need to hold back the tears in work so have to stop this now, just needed to get some of it out.

thanks for listening,

niamh

xo

[STARKISS]

Hi Niamh,

I am so sorry you are having such a rough time right now, have you ever heard of the empty chair session... I first did it in therapy with one of my therapist.. You close your eyes and pretend that your loved one is in the chair, than you can say whatever you need to that person... It sounds weird but when I did it with my therapist it really helped to get some of the sadness and pain which was inside of me out... I cried and cried for along time but afterward I felt a lot better and have done it many times when I get feeling really low... I hope this helps Shelley

[niamh]

thanks Shelley, I do talk to my Dad all the time and I write to him a lot, it's just this one way thing is getting to me so much you know, I just wish I could have a real chat with him, a normal conversation where he responds back, it's just makes me so frustrated and makes me feel so lonely when I can't just have a chat like we used to. I miss him more and more every day that goes by

thanks for your msg,

hugs to you

niamh

xo

[Aquarius7]

Hi Niamh,

I cannot say I know exactly how you feel. But I can certainly relate! I too, am feeling extremely lonely. I have people around me but the world feels so cold and alone. I am so scared at times. My Mom was always there to talk to, to get advice from and always willing to help me whether I needed it or not. I am so lonely without her being in my life and knowing there is never going to be a time when she will be here again. It still has not sunk in and I don't want it to. I just want to wake up from this horrible dream that I am living. I can honestly say that I have never felt this way in all my years. I can't stand it and it is horrible. Life is forever changed and I don't like it.

I try to explain to people about my feelings, but nobody truly understands it. Every day is sad. Every night is sad. Every moment is sad. I see her things everywhere, where she used to sit, her coffee cups, her food and snacks still in the refrigerator and kitchen. It is never ending. WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! She really was too young to go despite being 83! She was so full of life, love and enthusiasm just a few months ago! I always thought she would have made it to 88 or 90. I just can't believe this at all! This is supposed to "make me stronger"?? Well, guess what? I am so depressed and weak that I can barely get out of bed in the morning! I just don't want to face life anymore. I am sick of it all and nothing interests me like it used to. Everything is lousy without my BEST FRIEND around. Knowing she is gone ruins EVERYTHING! I just don't care about anything anymore. I make myself do things, but it is all half-hearted and lifeless. It has no meaning and I really don't care about any of it.

Like you, I just wish I could see my Mom and talk with her! If God could do me a favor, it would be let me communicate with her and let me have a long conversation with her. I need to talk to her so much and tell her how much I miss her and ask her WHAT TO DO! I would much rather have gone first except for the fact that she could not have handled me going before her. I talked and talked with her before she left, but cancer is a horrible thing and makes people not themselves as the horrible bastard disease that it is progresses in the body and mind. We talked but sometimes because of what the horrible bastard disease was doing to her, we could not communicate like we had when she was herself. I cry and cry and cry. You can tell by the time of my posts that my nights are mostly sleepless. I am just a lost soul without her.

I will never be able to say goodbye to my Mom who was and is MY BEST FRIEND OF MY ENTIRE LIFE! I remember hearing this great song when I was a little kid even with my parents and family. It made me sad then and does now.

[jodo]

Hello Dear Niam, and Aquarius7,

I haven't been on this site for SO long, I was feeling so abnormal that after 6 months (losing my Dad) that I wasn't doing any better, I'm actually doing worse. Maybe it was meant to be that I happened to come to this site tonight, because after reading both of your posts, I realize that I'm not the only one having a really hard time! I have not gone to my support group or counselor for weeks, I just started feeling like no one can help me ! I went to my doctor the other day and got a prescription for anti-depressants, and one for anxiety, but now I've been too afraid to take them !! I will probably start tomorrow because I'm truly at the end of my rope ! I am missing my Dad so badly, I still sob all the time, and still go into almost a "denial" phase. Anyways, maybe I shouldn't stay away from here so long ! I should realize that I'm not the only person out there in this much pain ! I hope to start talking to you all again ( I truly think of all of you all the time !!) Love and Hugs to you, Jodi

[niamh]

thanks Aquarius,

I have so many days where I think I still feel somewhat numb, although I am always always sad and lonely I, the full pain and full reality still hits in bits and pieces. When I can fully connect to the emotional fact that he is not coming home, I really do fall to pieces.

I've had 2 dreams the last 2 nights, they were not visits though, more like pining for him dreams. The first one I dreamt he came back and that it had all been a mistake, I cannot even express how awful I felt when I woke up to the reality. Had another last night where I was just with him on hols or something, but it didn't bring me comfort when I woke, it just broke my heart even more waking up, wishing I just didn't have to wake up everyday to this nightmare.

I don't want to face life anymore either, make us stronger, no idea how that works, all it has done for me is fill me with such hatred for life. Knowing the best years of my life are over just makes it all so hopeless and pointless. People say I will find a "different kind of happiness", yeah whatever....there will be no such thing as true happiness unless he comes home, end of story so I just don't want some half hearted happiness.

I'm sorry you are having sleepless nights, I have trouble sleeping during the week, takes a few hrs but I do get there eventually but it's so late and it's torture getting up everyday.

I know that song, although if I knew my Dad was going to be leaving I think I'd have been saying "see you later" rather than Goodbye because the love and bond we have has changed, not disappeared.

Jodi dear, it is so so great to hear from you, I've been thinking about you, wondering how things were going for you. No hun, you are definitely not the only one still having a really hard time so know that we are all here with you and for you. I don't cry as much as I used to, but truth is I think a lot of that is some sort of numbness or me blocking it, sometimes the tears errupt other times I seem to stop it because I just cannot bear the pain that comes when as I try to grasp the full reality of it, the tuck in my heart when those real tears come is so so painful but I will sometimes do something to get them to come, I feel so emotionless sometimes when I go for days without crying. I hope you do come talk and share with us Jodi,

hugs and love to both you of you today,

Niamh

xo

[emptyinside]

Hello Dear Niam, and Aquarius7,

I haven't been on this site for SO long, I was feeling so abnormal that after 6 months (losing my Dad) that I wasn't doing any better, I'm actually doing worse. Maybe it was meant to be that I happened to come to this site tonight, because after reading both of your posts, I realize that I'm not the only one having a really hard time! I have not gone to my support group or counselor for weeks, I just started feeling like no one can help me ! I went to my doctor the other day and got a prescription for anti-depressants, and one for anxiety, but now I've been too afraid to take them !! I will probably start tomorrow because I'm truly at the end of my rope ! I am missing my Dad so badly, I still sob all the time, and still go into almost a "denial" phase. Anyways, maybe I shouldn't stay away from here so long ! I should realize that I'm not the only person out there in this much pain ! I hope to start talking to you all again ( I truly think of all of you all the time !!) Love and Hugs to you, Jodi

I relate to your post a whole lot. I haven't touched medications yet, but I'm very tempted.