I Lost My Best Friend.

[siamesecat09]

Hi all, I'm new here.

I lost my mom to kidney cancer on March 31st, 2010. So about 4 months ago. However, it was quite sudden for me. My mom first got diagnosed with kidney cancer in 2006 and had one of her kidneys removed and we thought everything was fine. Yes, cancer was a scary word but my mom was my mom...she couldn't go anywhere. It was more like, cancer was just a little inconvenience that needed to be maintained with some random pills each month (aka chemo). After she got her kidney out she was completely fine for 2 years and a couple months. In May 2009 we found out a little spot of cancer had come back in her rib area. So we were like okay fine, some more chemo and everything will be fine. Little did I know that each month that went by, my mom was getting weaker and weaker as each round of chemo treatments didn't work. She had horrible side effects from the medicine, which weren't working anyway so it was really rather pointless. Still, I just thought 'wow this really sucks, but we'll get through it and find a combination of pills that will work.' Things got pretty bad by fall of 2009 in terms of her weakness. She wasn't really able to do things out of the house more than once a day and for a short period of time.

She still managed to seem 'fine' if that's the right word though. It takes a long while on one treatment to see if it's actually working so we thought the side effects were just side effects, and hopefully the medicine was killing the cancer. Well, in March 2010 everything took a turn for the worse. Very rapidly and suddenly, my mom randomly started seeming a little out of it, making comments and asking questions that didn't really make a whole lot of sense. It took my mom falling in the shower and some serious pushing from me and my sister for my dad to finally check her into the ER that night because we knew something was definitely wrong. I'll never forget helping my mom into the car and giving her a blanket...she pointed to the bear on the blanket (it was a pattern with some mountain animals on it) and she said 'bear' sort of in a pre-school-esque voice pointing out to me that she knew it was a bear. I was scared then because I knew something was wrong.

Got to the hospital, and my sister and I pretty much deduced from her symptoms and googling (yes we did) that my mom's cancer had spread to her brain. It only took the doctors taking some more x-rays to have her main oncologist come back and have a long talk with my mom and dad by themselves in the hospital room while my sister and I waited outside. We came back to find out what we thought all along...the kidney cancer had spread to her brain she had 'weeks to months to live.' That was the most frustrating life diagnosis...what the aerk#*$& does weeks to months mean. One week? 6 months? Kind of very different. But oh well, that's hospitals for you..which unfortunately I don't have a lot of faith in anymore.

Anyway, mom decided she didn't want radiation and all that horrible treatment anymore when her quality of life would be bad and so she decided to go on hospice to wait out the cancer. So we brought her home, and she got to live peacefully in our house and pass away there about 3 weeks later. My husband and I were supposed to get married in May 2011 but we decided we wanted mom to see us get married, and we planned a small wedding in a week and got married March 27th, 2010 in front of my mom, in our living room. Mom got her makeup done, wore her favorite dress and I got her a corsage to wear. I'll never forget her leaning to me and asking 'is this a dream for me?' I said 'no mommy, it's really happening' It was so sweet and I love my mom so much for asking that. I think I was able to give her a really happy day close to the end. She passed away at 1am 3 days later. Sometimes I think she was holding out for my wedding to see it before she passed. And, she waited til she was alone with my dad at night nobody else was in the room. I had also finally told my mom that afternoon 'mommy, if you need to go to heaven now, it's okay. We'll all be okay, I want you to know that' My dad told me he told mom the same thing that day. It was really mind blowing. (she passed away that night)

Anyway so that is the story of how I lost my mom. Sorry it was rather long but I don't know how else to describe it. I'm just in shock that this has even happened to me. My mom is supposed to be here and everything is supposed to be okay. It just happened so fast. In February she was taking chemo but everything was fine, in March the doctors told us she's going to die because the cancer moved to her brain. It's not fair. I'm 23 years old and my mom was only 54.

I'm still in shock that my reality is that I don't have my mom with me anymore. I still sometimes expect to see mom when I come home and then forget that she's not here anymore. My mom and I were so incredibly close, she wasn't just a mom to me she was really my best friend. We had a great relationship and we were just so close more like friends than simply mother and daughter. I miss her so much it hurts physically and emotionally. I feel like nobody around me understands because they haven't gone through this. There's simply no way you can know the emptiness I feel if you haven't lost a mother who is also so close to you. I get mad thinking about the people who have horrible relationships with their moms. Why did MY mom have to go. Everyone loved her. There were so many people at the funeral and I can't tell you how many people came to the house to say goodbye and how many people cried about my mom even leaving her workplace back in December. She was the heart of everywhere she went. Our family, her work, everything. And now she's gone.

I get annoyed that lots of friends and friends of mom and dad said they would be there for us but I haven't heard from the majority of them. It's like they showed up for the funeral and then disappeared into thin air. I don't know, I don't mean to sound selfish but it annoys me how a lot of people haven't even talked to me since then.

I feel this horrid empty hole in my heart. That's the best way to describe it. I've gotten used to my new reality that I have one parent and mom isn't here, but there is always an emptiness I feel every day, every moment that DOES NOT GO AWAY. Even when I'm having a good day or not even thinking about my sadness, there is still an unconscious emptiness that I can just feel 24 hours of every day.

And perhaps the most horrendous aspect of my new life is seeing the sadness in my dad. If anyone else has experience how to help their surviving parent that would be great. He was an angel taking care of my mom 24/7 of her entire ordeal. My mom and dad had one of those fairytale marriages and were the best mom and dad you could possibly imagine. It physically burns my heart thinking about the sadness my dad feels without mom.

I wish I knew more people in person that had lost a parent so close to them. I'm the only person I know in my life who has had this happen to them. I am alone and have nobody else to relate to me in my life.

My family members never talk about her because the family I see are all on my dad's side and they just pretend it didn't happen. I wish my Aunt Laura (my mom's sister) lived near me instead because I think I would cope better with someone who feels the same hurt I do closer to me.

Anyway...I just wanted to share my story. I haven't found a forum that has helped yet but seeing that people actually actively post on here I was happy to join and read others' stories.

I miss her so much. I don't think it will get easier with time. I know I will be 88 years old still crying about how much I miss my mom. There's no way time is going to make me miss her less or make it easier. The hole is always going to be there. Nothing in this world can fill that emptiness, it's just not possible. I feel like it's more of a situation of 'well this is what you're stuck with now and there's nothing you can do to change it so you have to just live each day the best you can' I don't know...that's just what it seems like to me. Every now and then I'll be thinking to myself WHY ME, why is my mom gone, my life would be 100% full and happy if she was just here. I have nothing else to complain about in my life except that.

Okay I need to end this somewhere so I'll choose here. Sorry this was so long I just miss her and don't have anyone else to talk to in this way without getting looked at funny or an awkward silence with a response of 'yeah.'

Rawr.

[Jsph110]

My family members never talk about her because the family I see are all on my dad's side and they just pretend it didn't happen

this is a normal reaction. They don't know how to react coz they don't want to hurt you.

[MartyT]

Dear One, I'm so sorry to learn of the death of your beloved mother ~ you certainly have our deepest sympathy, and I know you will be made to feel welcome and supported here, where you will find yourself among kindred spirits who are walking the same path you are traveling now.

You said, "And perhaps the most horrendous aspect of my new life is seeing the sadness in my dad. If anyone else has experience how to help their surviving parent that would be great." I invite you to explore some of the articles, books and resources listed on the Death of a Parent or Grandparent page of our Grief Healing Web site. See especially the article, Helping Your Grieving Parent by Helen Fitzgerald.

[siamesecat09]

Thank you Your sites seem really helpful, I've begun to explore them and I sent my dad the links to the section on death of a spouse as well.

[niamh]

hi Rawr,

I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom. We are left with pain, hurt, loneliness and so on and there really are no words of comfort. So many questions like you say WHY ? I don't think I will ever stop asking that question, Why my Dad, why me ?

Being annoyed with people who showed up at the funeral and have now disappeared is so normal, you do not sound at all selfish, people have such little understanding unless they have been there, unless they have had a significant loss that has impacted them like some of us here.

I too have the constant hole in my heart, my oh so broken heart and I don't think it will ever be filled, it's just part of me now, part of who I am and I cannot change it. The emptiness is just with me now for always. If it changes so be it, but I can't imagine how unless my Dad walks through the front door which won't be happening.

For me now it's just me and Mom, I don't have any siblings. I don't even feel like part of an actual family anymore most of the time. I have cousins, uncles etc, we dont see them too often so it just feels so sad just me and Mom, no more Dad. My heart breaks over and over for my Mom, they were the very best of friends, I could not have asked for better parents, Mom could not have had a better husband and now she's so lost without him. I know I can't fix it for her, I can't make her pain go away but my life is for her do, I will do anything at all for her. I find I do the little things my Dad used to for her, treats out to lunch, out to dinner, always ready to drive her anywhere anytime,just small simple things that my Dad was 100% reliable for and always there for. I know none of it takes away the pain she has but if not for me she thinks she would not be here.....and vice versa I feel the same. I would not be on this earth if it wasn't for her, I simply could not do it.

I am sorry you have nobody in your life to relate to you, I kinda feel the same really, none of my friends has lost a parent where the relationship was anywhere similar to my Dad & I. But when I came to this site I found so many people who suddenly knew what I was talking about, could understand the most simple small things now missing and how much it aches and hurts. So I really hope you will find the same. I can't say it takes away my pain, I can't say it makes me feel less lonely but there is some small comfort just to know I am not crazy, someone else can nod and agree with how I feel.

Oh believe me I too think I will never ever stop crying for my Dad, never ever stop missing him with every bone in my body. Nobody will ever come close to him. I know people say time, the only thing time is doing is making this look so deceptive because now it's not always as obvious on the outside, but nobody sees the remains from the bomb that went off inside. I am quite a stubborn person and I just can't see how this would get "better", I cannot see how I can be truly happy again, no Dad will always be missing from everything. So like you I think now this is as "good" as it gets, I can function, I go to work, I meet friends but inside I'm like "yeah whatever, life sucks & I'm so over it and ready to go see my Daddy". Knowing the happiest days of my life are over is beyond torture. I've heard and read people talk about a "different happiness".....but I just don't get it, no, the best days are over, end of story. Because if by some chance something makes me happy in years to come, what will be the first thing I think of ..........Dad's not here for this and he should.........well surely there goes "happiness" out the window again.

So I hope you stay with us and share with us so we can just all be there for each other. I say it so many times, I honestly think my mind would have snapped in 2 if it were not for the site and the kindness of everyone here.

I too find those awkward silences or simple "yeah" after I've let something out, so hard. I pretty much avoid people who do that now. I don't want it to be about me all the time, certainly not but if someone finds my grief, my feelings uncomfortable then I don't want to be around them because it's too hard, I have enough to deal with besides thinking ugh I can't say "A,B,C" coz this person can't deal with it.

so, no awkward silences or simple yeahs from us Rawr,

sending lots of hugs and love to you

Niamh

[siamesecat09]

Thank you so much for your kind response. It is very comforting to know there are other people out there who are going through this even though it seems like we're alone when we don't reach out and realize there are others out there, they just not be in my immediate friend/family circle. Thank you again, I hope reading more stories on here will help as well.

Sidenote, I don't know if I was confusing at the end but the 'rawr' was to imitate how I was mad...kind of like a lion sound only on the computer hehe, I should've signed it 'Lyndsay' as that's my name to make it less confusing but just wanted to clear that up in case you thought that was a strange way to end my post!

[niamh]

Sidenote, I don't know if I was confusing at the end but the 'rawr' was to imitate how I was mad...kind of like a lion sound only on the computer hehe, I should've signed it 'Lyndsay' as that's my name to make it less confusing but just wanted to clear that up in case you thought that was a strange way to end my post!

ah ok, just thought it was a nickname or something *L*, I echo your roar too !! x