I Think I Really Need Help!

[Aquarius7]

Well it seems I am not doing any better. At all. And I have no doubt that this is hurting me more than anyone else in the family. My Mom and I lived together and she knew me better than all of them and I knew her better than all of them. The only person in my family that probably knew my Mom as well as I did was my Dad.

But anyway, I just can't make any progress and feel I am in an endless pit of grief, mourning, sorrow, and despair. My whole life seems to have been a mistake and my Mom's passing is the climax of it all. Everything I did not do and should have done is now clear for all and me to see. So many things I should have done differently which would have made this time not so difficult. Tonight I asked God to just take me. I don't want to be here anymore. I am sick of it and sick of it ALL! I think He will. The way things have gone this year, it would not surprise me if I am next to go. I don't know why He did this to us. I see it as a cruel punishment for any and every single thing wrong I may have done and that my Mom may have done. It is like He is telling me "take THIS!" It all seems so wrong!

So my point is I think I need to get help. Going to a grief conselor a few times a month is NOT helping much. She is great, but it is not enough for me. I am beginning to think I need to be put in the hospital for awhile. I could never do that though as it is so expensive. But my little heart and baby soul is torn apart and is not healing whatsoever. Nobody seems to get this at all. Everyone is trying to get me to "move on" and "overcome" it. Sorry, that cannot be done. You never "overcome" this. "Keeping busy" does nothing for grief and mourning. In fact, it only delays it. I tried to give one of my older brothers some reading material on "misconceptions about grief" and he said he "doesn't need that". He and my other brother simply want to be "strong" and be "men" about it. Well, I have read and I believe that men who do cry are very strong and are healthy. But back to me. I am not in good shape emotionally and every day is a tremendous struggle to get through. I am barely sleeping and not eating like I once did. I am in constant anxiety about the future and have tremendous fear of the future. And tremendous regret of much of the past 27 years of my life. I have never felt so lonely in my life. But a large part of me feels that I can go to all the hospitals and therapists I want to, but nothing will ever change how I feel. Because this whole experience has changed me forever.

[niamh]

hi Aquarius,

I wish I knew what to say but extra large (((HUGS))) to you. Reading your post I simply find myself nodding in agreement with some of it.

I have begged and pleaded with God, my Dad to just let me out of this world, let me go be with him because I no longer want anthing at all from this world. Altho I would never ever do anything myself but it's all I want. I do feel conflicted when I feel this simply because of what it would do to my Mom if she lost me.

I am sorry you feel your whole life is a mistake and I'm sorry for you feeling like it's a punishment for something.......I cannot relate to this but it must be simply horrific to feel like that.

I'm also sorry for the pressure you are feeling from others. I do rant and rave when people get on my case by "advising" me on anything at all related to this.

As you see men who cry are strong.......crying is certainly no way to judge anyone strength of being, if you want to cry, you cry it's your God given right to do this.

I honestly dont know what to say to you because I know I cannot say anything to "help".

For me, I don't even want "help" or anything because the only help I want and need is to get my Dad back and that is not possible so neither is me ever enjoying life again. I feel I will be like this until the day I leave this earth and there is simply nothing I can do to change it. I despise every waking second of every day, I hate waking up to the awful nightmare every morning and I don't see how any amount of time or anything I do will ever make that less difficult. He's not coming back to me, he was my entire life and what's left of life means nothing to me anymore.

All I can offer is (((hugs))) and love and will always be here to listen and share with you.

Niamh

[Ron B.]

Aquarius,

Well, if you don't get any understanding from your siblings, you know you can get it here.

About feeling that you need to be hospitalized, I think you might have a reasonable alternative. Psychologists and counselors can not prescribe medication; only a psychiatrist or a doctor can do that. You might be stuck in a depression right now, and there is very good medication available for depression. If it's some other disorder you've got, then a shrink can diagnose that too, and probably find meds that will help.

I am not advocating meds as a solution to grief. It's just something that will help get you through the very worst times. It can help stop your mood from plunging into black despair.

When you write here, Aquarius, I identify strongly with your feelings. My own situation has been similar. One of my siblings got control of my Mom's estate, locked me out of my Mom's house, threw out my possessions, and has been verbally abusive. Sound familiar? Other people here (like me!) are going through the same things as you. The first two months after my Mom's passing were horrible. Now nine months have passed, and my grief is bearable.

Maybe you are the only one in your family that really understands the depth of loss and grief. You get it, they don't. That means more of your humanity is intact, and their's is, well, a bit shallow.

I hope Marty and others here can give you other suggestions and clear guidance. Thank you for your post; it helps me too.

Ron B.

[MartyT]

Dear Aquarius,

My heart goes out to you as I read of the difficulty you're having at this point in your grief journey, and I want to share some thoughts with you.

You say you're not doing any better at all (barely sleeping, no appetite, lonely, anxious, fearful about the future, harboring tremendous regrets about the past); you cannot make any progress, don't want to be here anymore, and feel as if you're "in an endless pit of grief, mourning, sorrow, and despair." While part of that is typical of normal grief, some of what you describe sounds an awful lot like depression to me ~ and that could be complicating your bereavement.

You say that you're seeing a grief counselor a few times a month but it's not helping much. Is your counselor aware of how you feel about your lack of forward progress, and does she agree with your assessment? You say she's "great," but that doesn't tell me anything about her professional qualifications (education, training, experience, licensure, certification) as a grief counselor. Have the two of you discussed the possibility that you may have developed a major depressive episode?

As I'm sure you know, many of the features of normal grief look and feel like depression, but there are some important distinctions, and they are distinctly different conditions. William Worden, highly respected educator, researcher and expert in grief counseling and grief therapy notes, "One of the functions of the counselor who has contact with people during the time of acute grief is to assess which patients might be undergoing a major depression by using current standard diagnostic criteria. Patients so identified can then be given additional help such as a medical evaluation and possibly the use of antidepressant medications. Once depressions begin to lift through medication, then the focus of treatment changes to the underlying conflicts . . . These conflicts cannot be addressed through medications alone (J. William Worden, PhD, ABPP, Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner, 4th Edition, p. 33)."

Another alternative is to consider finding another counselor or therapist. An effective grief counselor is knowledgeable about the mourning process, helps you feel understood, offers a witness to your experience, encourages you to move forward, fosters faith that you will survive, and offers hope that you will get through your grief successfully. If you don't sense that your counselor has a good understanding of your grief process or doesn't seem like the person who can help you, you have every right to try another counselor, and I strongly encourage you to do so.