New To The Group And So Very Sad...

[mstea]

Hi,

I'm new to the group and I've been reading a lot of the posts. I must say, they have helped me a great deal. I don't feel quite so alone in all this, or as crazy! I'm just so, so sad and it's not going away. I don't want to leave the house if I don't have to and I sleep all the time when I'm not working. I don't spend time with my friends because I don't want to "bring them down" or make them feel uncomfortable because they don't know what to say. I haven't really talked to anyone about how I'm feeling. "I'm fine" is the answer I give because I just don't think anyone really wants to know. The few times I've tried to open up, I feel shot down by the responses I get. I'm horribly indecisive, very distracted and forgetful and don't get any enjoyment from anything anymore.

I've always thought that if I act OK and put on a good face, then I'll be OK. That's not working out so well for me right now. I have always been the strong one in the family and because I know I can't be that right now, I avoid my sisters. This, I know, is wrong. I need them and I know they need me but I'm just having a hard time getting to it. The girls have been looking to me for some guidance and I've kept them waiting, which has to be bad for them. I just didn't know what to do.

This year, I lost my Daddy on April 3rd, 5 days after that I lost my sweet dog of 10 years, I lost my home on June 25th and my Mother on June 28th. And of course, Dad's birthday was just a few weeks ago and I didn't leave my bed for 3 days. I've said these words out loud many times but as I sit here typing them and crying uncontrollably, finally dealing with all the loss, I find myself comforted by the fact that you are all going through the same things...and I'm not alone.

I, too, have had people wonder why I'm not "getting over it" and I think the reason is that I've delayed it because I didn't want to deal with it and if I didn't deal with it maybe it would just go away. Your posts have shed a little light on the fact that everyone has their own time frame for grieving and I've put it off long enough. Even my own husband (who has never lost anyone close) said to me last week that I just needed to get over it and stop using it as a crutch for my behavior. To which I responded with a very unladylike 4 letter phrase and hung up on him. We didn't speak for 3 days.

Last night (at a tavern of all places!)I felt comfortable enough to tell 2 good friends that I was sorry for neglecting them and being so distracted but I was just so sad and not getting over it easily. The outpouring of love and understanding from them was so incredible. They thought I was OK because I said I was and acted like I was. And I think it made a very direct point to my husband that there is no time line.

This site was like a flash in the dark for me and I feel so lucky to have found you. I will be sharing this site with my sisters so that we can all really begin to heal together.

Tea

(photo is my Mother and Daddy)

[sunstreet]

Dear Tea,

I am just so sorry for your loss and the storm of pain that follows. Thank you for sharing and I have heard you. This is a safe place to express your feelings, thoughts and behaviors and can assure you that you will not be judged and met with compassion and understanding. Sadly we all feel or have felt what you are now feeling. You are not alone.

I have had multiple losses as well. My Partner's suicide, My Sister's suicide, My Brother's suicide, My Father's death from Alzheimer's, my 21 year old cat sunshine, my 18 year old cat Pudge, and my 5 year old cat Street all within a span of 4 years.

When you run into people who say "you should be over it" it speaks volumes about them and where they are in their journey of life and not about you. There is no time line except the time line that we need.

Good for you for reaching out to friends at the tavern. I am happy your found love, support and understanding. I felt the same thing when I made my first post, like it was a light in the darkness. May your experience here be as joyous as mine has.

Courage and Blessings,

Carol Ann

[kellies]

Tea,

You have gone through quite alot (losing your dad, dog, house and mother in such a short time) to be "over it" already. Your husband is out of his mind..... frankly, I hope your marriage doesn't end over your husband's insensitivity. My mom died in February after a 2.5 year battle w/ Stage 4 cancer and I still have periods of crying spells. This is 7 mos. later and I still have my dad, house and cats. If I lost all of that within a few months, I have no idea how I would have functioned. This site too has really helped me alot. I had to go on anti-depressants for awhile which helped.... but frankly, this site has been a major help. I too like knowing that other people go through such tremendous grief (although, not fun for them, I don't wish this on anyone) but nice to not feel so alone.

Re: your friends outpouring of support, turn to them instead of your husband. Turn to anybody that will give you the attention you need right now and you will get "over it" when your mind and body are ready to.

[niamh]

hi Tea,

welcome to our online family, this site has been my lifeline as I live this horrific nightmare of being in a world without my Daddy.

I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom, Dad, dog and home. WOW, it's more than enough to deal with one single loss, I cannot even begin to imagine how you feel. But maybe we can relate in some way to some of you pain and loss and you will know that as alone as you feel now, someone else out there can nod and say they can relate.

I am sorry for your husbands reaction to your grief. I do know that until this happened to me losing my Daddy I never had any real comprehension of true grief. Although I had lost very very close loved ones (one grandmother, 2 Aunts who were just my best friends) but nothing stripped me of everything like losing my Dad 9 months ago. I cringe when I think back to things I may have said to my cousins in the time following the loss of their Mom but I simply had no idea of what was going on. Perhaps it might be an idea if your husband is open to it, to give him some information on grief, perhaps some articles and information freely available online that try to explain grief and how it effects people. It may help him to have a slightly better understanding and more patience as you try to process all of this.

I recall a friend of mine telling my in December, the one piece of advice she said was not to tell anyone I am fine or ok until I am because as soon as you say you are “ok” peoples attitudes have changed. I stick by that with those people that know me well, those close to me. Obviously to strangers, certain work colleagues etc I don’t let on the true pain of this. But to those that know me well I simply refuse to lie to them because if they cannot still want to be friends with the new sad me then I would rather not associate with people like that. I know there are times when those cliches and certain responses can be like a knife through your heart, for me sometimes I want to simply scream something back to that person.

People say things with the best of intentions, they don’t mean to hurt us and think they are “helping”. With my closest of friends, I have tried to explain so much to them about MY grief,my feelings and my reactions. Because my eyes have been opened so wide as to what grief is, I think I have helped my friends to also open up and realise there’s so much more to it all that simply feeling sad and missing someone. I have told them of situations where people say x,y,z and I have told them that I know they want to say a,b,c to me but I try to explain that it hurts to hear that, that it doesn’t help and so on.

I’ve never been so aware of the fact that someone can look ok on the outside but nobody knows the torment, the pain going on inside. For me I feel like every single bone in my body has been smashed to pieces, while physically I can walk, talk, work and so on, inside is like a bomb exploded and sometimes I wonder if those parts can ever be put back together again.

Just know that we are always here to listen and share our stories, our pain, our feelings with you.

Sending lots of love and hugs your way

Niamh