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It's A Hard Day


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It is a hard day for me. Not sure why. Just cried all the way to work and am sitting at my desk trying not to let others see me cry. I am just really missing my Daddy today and want something. I'm not sure what I want; I just feel I need something. I know I would give anything to have a hug from him or to sense him somehow. The pain and lonliness just keeps coming and it doesn't feel like it will ever end. I miss him so much and my heart is just so broken. It is not fair that he is gone and we are left here with this hurt and pain. I can be in a room full of people and still feel so alone. I would have thought by now I would have gotten all the tears out or not be crying on such a regular basis, but I was wrong. I'm just really wishing I could have my Daddy back with me even though I know that can't happen. I had to go next door to sees omeone and I wasn't sure where his office was so I asked someone and they turned around and said "Are you looking for your fathers office?" and that just made me tear up again. It seems like every little thing is setting me off today. Everyone is asking me what wrong and I tell them all nothing; I'm fine; because it hurts too much to say I'm just missing my Daddy and want him back so bad. I'm just having a hard time dealing with it today.

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I can certainly understand how you feel. I feel more and more lost. It has been over 3 months since I lost my Mom who was my best friend in my entire life. It seems nothing is getting better and everything is getting worse. I cry all the time and feel like a lost soul. Nobody understands how I truly feel and just what this enormous lost has done to my life. And I also mean my siblings. They have no idea the grief and trauma I am experiencing.

You mention about wanting to give your Dad a hug or sense him somehow. My Mom used to call me everyday and tell me about things and ask me about things. I miss her so much that I cannot take it anymore! Her voice, her words of encouragement, her listening with interest, her calls to tell me things and remind about things. And just knowing she was there. Now, I have to do it all myself. People are getting and being impatient with me and wanting me to "move on". I simply cannot.

I too have to go away from people when I am abotu to cry. I am not the same and people are noticing it. I am noticing it. I just don't have any interest in anything anymore and nothing at all seems to matter anymore. Since my Mom passed away, nothing else matters. It is all meaningless now.

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I'm so sorry you've had such a hard day missingmy daddy. Everything you say just echos what's in my mind too. The tears are all normal. Sometimes I still go through phases of numbness where I just seem to be void of all emotion, been having that the last week or so and I find it frustrating because I feel like such an empty shell just going on auto pilot without a care in the world about ANYTHING.But I know it will pass and the tears and feelings will come again. I'd rather feel something than nothing at all.

I find it so hard just knowing this pain is with me forever, whether it is visible on the outside or just felt inside I know it's always going to be there. Like you I also would give anything to have a hug from him, hear his voice or simply feel him around me. Sometimes my old good life with him all feels like a dream now, so so far away from me. I still find little things that trigger the shear shock of it all, seeing something that reminds me of vacations, seeing images of places we went and trying to understand that I will never do that again with him and it just makes no sense to me.

I'm sorry someone asked you about looking for your Dad's office, what a sting to get. I too have days where the smallest thing can just open the floodgates of tears but know that it is all perfectly normal and you have the right to cry if you feel like it.

So many of the little chats I would have with my Dad I simply don't have with anyone anymore because it cannot be the same and feels pointless to have them with anyone but him.

Lately I've been having the feeling of waiting again, like I am waiting for him to come home. I will hear a car outside my house and for a nano second think Dad's home at last but then reality sets in.

hugs and love to you hun,

Niamh

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Aquaris7 and Niamh - I am so sorry for your loss Aquaris7. It has been 14months today that I lost my Daddy and the pain is still so raw and sharp. I too feel it will never go away and no one really knows how I am feeling. My sibilings have no idea either of what I am going through. I have always been the one who never shows emotion in front of people and still find it hard to do that now. I wish I could tell them what I am feeling and going through; but I just don't know if they would be able to handle it. I am the one who has a heart made of ice and nothing ever gets to me so I am not supposed to be feeling all that I am feeling. I too feel that sometimes nothing else matters. I do have two children though and that is the only thing that has kept me going. They are my world and I know I can't fall apart and leave them to find their way in life without me. I just try and think of what my Daddy meant to me and to be that for my children now. It is the least I can do for the man who meant so much to me. I try to make myself get up and be a part of life again and most days I succeed to some point. I know what I should be doing but somedays it is so hard to try and find the energy and strength to do them. Even daily chores are becoming more and more difficult. My boyfriend is wonderful in the fact that when I do cry in front of him he just holds me and lets me, but he is your typical male and does not show his emotions and sometimes can not understand how I feel like this even 14 months later. He never tries to tell me to "get over it" or "move on", he just tries to make me think how my Daddy would feel if he knew I was always so sad and how he wanted me to live my life. I know my Daddy would not want me to be so sad all the time or to hurt so much, but I can't help it. I think this loss and pain will be with me always. I do want to say one more thing though.....I think this forum is really helping us. We all say we are finding things don't hold meaning for us anymore and I know that is true, but on some level we are finding meaning in life again. Everyone here is so willing to tell their own stories and to leave a comment on another persons story even if it just to say I am going through what you are and you are not alone. It has helped so much in the short time I have been on here and I think for every person on here; whether they have found the strenght to comment or just the strength to read; has found some little spark of meaning in their "new" lives now. I can only hope that with this spark a fire will be made and we can all find some way of living our "new" lives. Thank you to all who have helped me and taken the time to read or to comment. Hugs to everyone.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I am just discovering all this myself. My sister just went on a trip to go see her daughter and wanted to take me with her. I wanted to, then I realised I don't have any energy to deal with it and that sucks. I know she doesn't get it because her process differs from mine when it comes down to grieving. I would give you a hug free of charge. I could use one right now. I never knew it would be so bad.

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