Should I Go Back To Work

[melina]

A colleague of mine from work came over and asked me when I was coming back. She's been trying to get me out of the house and doing things, but I usually decline. She's been married as long as I have, but still has a live, healthy husband. I feel sad just being with her because of this.

Most of the people at work are happily married. In the lunch room there is always talk about home and weekends and husbands or wives. I don't know how I'm going to cope. I have to go back sometime, but how can I deal with this?

After she left I've felt miserable. I walked the dog in the woods and sobbed. There is still so much of the day left. I just want it to be night so I can sleep. I feel so cursed. I know that there are millions of people out there who have lost loved ones, but I didn't want to be among them.

Melina

[niamh]

Melina,

I can relate to your fear of going back to work. It took me 2.5 months before I could go back to my job, I had tried twice and ran from the place both times, oceans of tears and panic attacks about everything.

Do you have supportive management in work ? My company knew how bad things were for me and were thankfully extremely supportive about my return. The made some allowances in terms of my job, taking the pressure and workload off me to ease me back in. I literally walked into the office with a blank slate in my mind,it was very scary, I no longer had the knowledge I used to have, it was buried DEEP beneath everything. For the first few weeks, months even I had very little interraction with people because I didn't want to and to do my job didn't require that much. Slowly things did come back to me and very slowly some of my confidence returned. I am far from the worker I was last year before losing my Dad but doing the best I can.

I used to go for breakfast and lunch with my colleagues, I no longer do that. I did go for breakfast the first few weeks but it was too much for me. I couldn't sit listening to weekend plans, meaningless chats and laughs about everyday things. It's not that I wanted everyone to focus on me and my grief etc but I just cannot yet do the general chit chat with people. I asked my boss if I could skip lunch and leave 30 mins earlier everyday and I still do this 6 months later. It makes a difference to me, it's a routine I never had before, it was too hard to leave work at the usual time, knowing my Dad was not also leaving work and on his way home, now it's just a different routine.

If it's possible for you I would not force yourself too much back to work. My boss also told me to return on a thursday (not a monday) when there would only be 2 days and then weekend would be here again. I also had a lot of vacation days so for the first 3 months I only worked 4 days a week. If you have any options like this, perhaps talk to your boss, just because things are not standard company policy they may make exceptions for what you can cope with and handle right now.

I also take breaks where I try to go outside when there is nobody around so I can just be alone so again if that is something that you can do, just to be able to get away from everyone for a few minutes. Some days go faster than others in work. I do find Monday morning horrendous but as I walk towards the office I just say to myself "ok, I managed to get out of bed, that is good, I managed to get myself as far as here, that is good " and I take it hour by hour in there. It might sound a bit nuts but I do give myself credit for simply getting to the office because it's a big deal to me.

I had family asking me when was I going back, that life must go on, that I was making things worse for myself by delaying going back to work..........none of this helped me and angered me very much.........I was still physically adjusting to this and there was no point in me sitting in work in constant tears that would not stop, it was no good for me and it was pointless for my employer.

The work itself has become a little easier for me, I can talk to people a little bit more than I could a few months back when it's work related, I still find it very difficult to just chat, I avoid it as best I can. It's not like it used to be, I loved my job and career so much, now I just wait for the day to be over so I can get out of here.

sometimes I still want to run from work and never come back, sometimes I want to completely change my career, pack it all in but I can't afford to.In the meantime, most days I take it hour by hour, even now as I type this I know I have almost 5 hours done, only 3 to go and Monday is over. I try not to think of tomorrow, try not to think of this being an entire week of work, that is too much.

I too feel like you do regarding the nighttime, I go to bed 2-3 hours earlier than I used to, I don't sleep immediately but for me it's like getting into bed means another day of this horror is over with and I'm closer to sleep where I don't have to consciously think of everything, I can escape for a while.

I really hope your manager or whoever is supportive Melina and will realise that for now you may not be the same worker you were before this happened, they need to have patience and be gentle with you. Just take things easy on yourself, if you feel you could even make a call with your boss to discuss something that's a huge step.........if you don't feel like you can have that call yet, then that's ok too if it is possible for you to remain on leave or however it's done.

I just hope you can be given the time you need, the 2 times I forced myself back knowing deep down I simply wasn't anywhere near ready, it gave me so much worry, I would spend the entire week before work worrying about it, that was all stopping me from dealing with everything else because I was just panicked all the time about work. Eventually I did have to go to the company doctor aswell and he wrote me out for another 3 weeks .........for me that meant I had some time where I didn't have to worry about work, about going back, it was at least 2.5 weeks to forget about it all.

When I started back, I didn't do much besides sit at my desk and go online, but it was a huge step, I was able to stay at my desk, I didn't need to run in a panic. Then slowly I started reading some emails and really just eased my way back in. Step 1 is literally just being able to be in the workplace for a period of time, again I HOPE HOPE so much that you would not be expected to hit the ground running with your job.

I hope some part of what I've said makes some sense to you, I don't think it will give you any comfort because I know you have your own fears, your own sadness to deal with but I just wanted to share my experience with you,

much hugs and love to you Melina,

Niamh

[Lindakay]

Melina,

Believe it or not. I went back 6 days after he committed suicide. Yes, you are different but most people ubderstand. My current boss has seen me tear up. Working actually helps. Changing old habits you had with him helps too. Remodelling the house helped me.Unless you're rich, working is a necessity. In this day and age a job is better than no job at all. They say make no major changes for a couple years. Then you don't make impulsive ones. I went through a time feeling sorry for myself. What we had, what I lost in losing him. Then I transferred my energies into helping others. Through work we have our supported charities. I helped organize them.Got me out of the "me" phase. Yeah, he was cute and looked 20 years younger than his age. Acted 20 years younger too. He was loving, romantic and sensitive to my needs. He called me his goddess.I see what's out there. OMG how can I ever not compare?? I do say, never say never. One day at a time. Go back to work girl Warn them trears aree going to happen now and then. Encourage them to treat their spouses like everyday could be the last one. Take care, girl Love on your dog. They do know through smells of our tears. LindaKay

[Cheryl]

I think that anytime you can get yourself back into "life" it will help. Try going back for a few half days or just stop in and see your co-workers for an hour and see how you feel. Make sure your boss is aware that you might need some time adjusting. Give yourself a little push, don't expect too much too soon and be willing to reevaluate your progress.The hardest part of grief for me is realizing that nothing is going to be the same as it was. Even the things he wasn't apart of. I am a whole new person now and my limitations are far greater than they were before.

[Korina]

I went back to work after 6 months, but I was on Maternity Leave until then. However, when I did go back, aside from it being difficult to leave our daughter at daycare (no different from any parent), I knew I was ready. And at first, it was hard. But I slowly eased into a routine, and am now very comfortable. Plus, most at my work have been very understanding, and have let me talk when I needed to and cry when I needed to.

I would also agree that getting back to 'life' (we have no choice) is a good thing, but also that you shouldn't force yourself if you know you aren't ready.

Take care,

Korina

[sunstreet]

Melina,

I think the answer to your question is different for everybody. I want to encourage you to look within and you will find your answer. For myself I threw myself into my work as a way to avoid dealing with Melissa's suicide and other losses for it was not safe then for me to grieve. Due to all the differences in the variables in each of our lives, what works for one, might not work for another. Courage to you as you go forth in this journey.

Blessings, Carol Ann

[Queeniemary]

I was out on med. leave when Mike died on Jan 13th. I had a total knee replacement two days before he died, and was still in the hospital. I stayed home until March 1, and then went back for a few weeks part time, then finally full time. Work was and has been very understanding. My daughter stayed with me for several weeks, and is the reason my knee healed so well. She pushed me to do my exercises for the knee, and took me to therapy at the hospital. I called her Nurse Ratchet. It was hard the first few days at work, mainly because everyone wanted to say something to me about Mike, and I would tear up, but I was also glad they did, because I knew they cared. I need my routine, and am not sure how it will be next May when I retire. Carol Ann said it is different for each of us, and that is very true. Having a routine, and structure to my days has helped me, and although I have had some bad moments at work, I tend to keep a tighter hold on myself there. I think you will know when it is time, and as someone else said, start slowly perhaps, maybe a couple of days a week, or half days.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas